1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Not Sure About My Situation.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SeekingMind, Sep 16, 2021.

  1. SeekingMind

    SeekingMind Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    214
    Likes Received:
    237
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi, I don’t know what exactly this situation I am in. Please don’t hesitate to tell me whatever you think.
    I am in in late 40s and husband in early 50s.
    We are both busy and have been blessed with good kids. Both children away from home working/studying in different places.
    Since few months almost a yr I have very little interest in intimacy. While hubby is actually more into it. In fact I get annoyed and irritated with his advances.
    Even if I give in I don’t enjoy and also kind of feel guilty. Sometimes I feel sad that my children are away and we are nicely enjoying since they are away. Sometimes I worry about kids marriage their settlement in life etc. and above all their health. Thanks to God they are taking care of their health so far eating healthy.
    Hubby sometimes even says that it’s our time now but I just can’t stand that talk of his.
    Due to this I keep distance with him. I am not doing it intentionally. It’s just that I feel better being all by myself browsing or reading/writing cooking cleaning or doing laundry. Hubby gets really upset and also angry at me when I say just leave me alone.
    We have been verbally fighting almost every single day. And don’t go out together anymore. Even if we do we just don’t speak to each other.
    What makes me more sad is hubby doesn’t show concern towards me or my worries. I even said give me some time for showing intimacy. He says take as much time as you want and never speaks to me. It’s like a frozen situation between us nowadays. Only when kids call we talk. Don’t want them to know all this. It’s really hurting me atleast.
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2021
    Loading...

  2. Janakinarne

    Janakinarne Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    360
    Likes Received:
    213
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Normally women loose intrest in intimacy at 40's and gents wil be active after 40's,it's may be they wil be free from responsiblities and they are secured in life so will gain confidence in them and start to build a relationship,where as we women's will run from the relation due to stress and thinks more about children future and wil be afraid all the time how they can manage themselves even they are grown-ups,so wil loose intrest and wants to spend me time alone and wants our minds and souls to free from other things,so now u r in stress and feeling frustrated because your husband was not understanding you,rather than thinking from his side you are thinking why he was not understanding you which causing more gap between you both,rather than intimacy be with him while having morning coffee and evening tea ,don't run away ,try to be near him and spend some time with him (not all the time intimacy wil rebond ur relation even a silent conversation between you both wil bond u together),try to be stree free and go to morning walks with him and ask him gently now you are stressed and need some time even you don't know the reason for your condition..
     
    SeekingMind likes this.
  3. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    229
    Likes Received:
    395
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Denying physical intimacy amounts to cruelty towards spouse irrespective of the gender.
    Now, that doesn't mean he/she should force upon his/her spouse just because he/she wants it and is "in mood".

    In your case, it's more of psychological/emotional blockage.
    I do think it's wrong on your part to push him away/deny intimacy.

    It's quite common to lose interest for women after having kods, spending all life feeding, nurturing, thinking of their future.

    Please try to connect to your oartner emotionally and naturay then physic connection will rekindle.
     
    SeekingMind and Rihana like this.
  4. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    52
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    sometimes, i don't get it when i read some comments in some replies to posters here where some women are advising the other woman to be intimate with the husband even when the wife does not feel like it.

    no woman should tell any woman to engage in physical intimacy with her husband when she does not want to...this is pure evil to tell so...

    its pure emotional torture for the unwilling person......n it feels degrading to the unwilling person......they end up losing self respect, when intimacy is forced upon by a spouse or intimacy is given due to pressure even to a spouse

    OP, you should tell your husband to have respect for you and not force you to be intimate when you don't feel like it..its completely okay...in fact, its abnormal to force intimacy on a spouse when that person ,a man or woman does not feel like doing it...........2 people should be intimate only when BOTH feel like doing it.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2021
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,600
    Likes Received:
    3,391
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,
    Is there any ongoing issue or resentment in your life? Kids are away, but thats not an excuse for abandoning your husband. I can understand your low drive or desire, but completly ignoring your dh and moving away from him doesn't sound normal.

    I also believe that physical intimacy is a beautiful aspect of marriage and it should be mutual. No one should force their spouse for it. Forced sex= rape, not acceptable in anyway. But in your case, I guess he wants it more. One should have the freedom to say No if they dont want it. The other person should respect it. But stopping it forever when spouse need it or desire it wil lead to sexless marriage and can become a recipe for disaster. It like child neglect- very depressing for them. With age its frequency can go down, but it depends on the person/ couple. Obviously, there is a mismatch of libido in your case. I remember old posts here suggesting divorce for sexless marriage.

    Do you love your husband or is there any emotional connection? If there is no other major problems consider the following :-
    I understand that you are in your late 40's and may be menopause has something to do with low libido. Find reason for it.
    Have you told him about your concerns or problems instead of fighting and avoiding him? May be he dont have a clue on why you stopped it. Men need clear communication. He is furious because he feel rejected. I am not supporting any forced advances or sex. But just giving a benifit of doubt. Men will generally be happy if they are happy in that department and can be very moody or irritated, if they are not getting enough. Otherwise they have to please themselves, but how long? I suggest you to read intimacy section of this forum to get more ideas.

    So have a face to face talk with him. Tell him that you need his help. Convey that you also want it, but your body or mind is not responding ( tell him the exact reason, is it due to sexual dysfunction, lack of..., may be due to menopause ). So you are not able to enjoy it. Ask him what you should do or how can he help you. Tell him you are sorry that you are avoiding it, but didn't know how to convey it. It has nothing to do with him. Tell him you also want a second innings and enjoy life, but not sure what to do. Ask for his opinions. If you cant tell him directly, message him. I think face to face discussion is better. Inform him why you are getting irritated.

    OP, I understand that many women face this situation with aging .Spending lot of time together, love, touch etc can create some desire. You can explore yourself what you like or how to help this situation. So try to spend more time with him. Every one have only 24 h. So try to spend atleast 1 hour just for both of you. Not talking about sex here. You can use the rest of the time for yourself. Also try to reach a middle ground. Atleast try once in a week.

    Even though I dont support any forced intimacy, there are some positives in your case. If you read other posts, you will find that many women are craving for love, feeling alone, considering divorce or seperation after their kids leave them. In your case your husband is willing to spice up your life. Isnt a good thing. He wants to spend time with you, he want to grow old with you. Is it a good effort? Many women would love to be in your place. Many men especially during middle age ( mid life crisis? ) go after other women to fullfill their needs. But here, he is into you.

    But if spouse is not able to fullfill their needs what he should do. Do you have any solution for that. If you want, you can help him in many ways.

    Most important solution needed now is to communicate to your husband. I am sure, he will understand if you do it in a calm, loving way like seeking his advice. If you dont want sex for the time being , that's ok, but try to spend time with him, grow your friendship, spice up your life. Slowly you will understand how to manage your situation.

    Your approach is negative thats why its leading to fights( not blaming one , both of you). I wish he listens to you and understand your feeling, be more loving and empathetic to you. As they can't visualise our emotional or physical changes, we need to communicate it.

    If there are any other serious issues in your marriage or anger from your side, its tough to be physically intimate because our brain is the main sex organ. We can't give/ enjoy sex without filling our emotional or love tank.

    Anyway, think from your husband 's side too, try to build emotional connection and find a working solution that give happiness to both of you. You know your situation better than anyone.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2021
  6. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    625
    Likes Received:
    802
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Perfect answer totally focused on the issue. OP you must take time to digest this and may be even consider a S** therapist together also. Intimacy for men is actually the only way to express that he is needed . you need more open communication between you too.
     
    SeekingMind likes this.
  7. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    52
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    thats not correct-

    as per the men marriage counselors I spoke to , its not correct that men only need to get physical need to connect..in fact, .emotional intimacy is very important and the deciding factor.

    i was told that in fact, men and women may get physical all the way with many others but in non arranged cultures and set up, where s** is available at the drop of a hat, casual or non casual, men marry the woman with whom they feel emotionally intimate ..
     
    SeekingMind likes this.
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,255
    Likes Received:
    10,127
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    SM,
    You have adult children who are thriving on their own. You are still fairly young. What health issues can two fairly young adults have at the most? Regarding their marriage and their partners, it’s 2021. It’s their marriage. They will make their decision in due course and you will hopefully get the chance to see them pick reasonably good partners based on the knowledge you have imparted to them in their younger years.

    Your husband is so right here. This shouldn’t drive you apart, it should get you closer.

    You should definitely get a complete health check done. Sometimes small changes in the endocrine system can trigger irritability, mood swings, lack of internet in intimacy etc. Menopause is also another cause and given your age, that’s something that your dr will hopefully look into. Don’t let something that can be fixed medically drive a wedge between you and your spouse.

    Good luck!
     
    anayasree and SeekingMind like this.
  9. SeekingMind

    SeekingMind Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    214
    Likes Received:
    237
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you all for responding.
    I think some kind of telepathy was working. Just came to know my daughter was not well some time back. Thank God she is fine now. I think that could be one of the reasons. Though I didn’t know but somehow my mind was disturbed though everything seemed ok from outside. My daughter didn’t tell as she knew I would be have anxiety. Anyway now she is fine.
    I understand that I need to stay strong. Not just this time I have observed recently since few months I am staying disturbed probably overthinking too regarding children’s future and in the process hurting hubby. But sometimes thoughts are so overpowering that it’s simply feels helpless.
     
  10. Tubinbataye

    Tubinbataye Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    150
    Trophy Points:
    100
    Gender:
    Female
    Good that you have such a romantic h, when kids flew away from nest he is taking time for the 'us'. What is your worry that you think your h is not concerned about? No once in a while is fine. Looks like he accepts your no,but also looks like it's always a no. Imagine h saying no to your needs and 'just leave me alone' for all your voices?! To my view your h is making effort to keep the spark up. Try to reciprocate.
     
    SeekingMind likes this.

Share This Page