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Not Getting along with inlaws, am i being to harsh?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by samanthaisabele, Jun 20, 2012.

  1. samanthaisabele

    samanthaisabele New IL'ite

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    Hi everyone

    Ill give a little bit of backround info before I get into the question! :)
    So Me and my husband just recently got married In May here. We decided to have a courthouse wedding due to we dont have alot of money right now and I just recently came from Canada to move to the USA to get married to my husband, my husband is from New york and im from Vancouver,Canada. Me and my husband got married through an immigration visa which requires us to get married within 3 months of my arrival into the USA. If we did not get married within 3 months I would be forced to move back home to Canada due to immigration rules. Me and my husband met online a few years back and decided to get married and live in the USA etc etc.
    My question is:
    Me and my husband decided to have a courthouse wedding, due to the pressure of time getting married in three months and not having alot of money at the moment. We did not want anyone at the courthouse because I didnt think it was fair to have my husbands friends/parents there when I at the moment couldnt have anyone there for me because my family is all from Canada (currently having a hard time with jobs and money right now), when we have the money I would fly my parents out for my wedding, it would mean more then the world to me to have someone close like my parents for me at my wedding. Also, I didnt want anyone at the courthouse because me and my husband didnt want it to feel like a real wedding if we couldnt have a big one at the moment and we didnt like having to feel pressured to get married because of my immigration status, it just doesnt seem right to us.
    My husbands parents didnt like the idea of themselves not being at our courthouse wedding. I explained I didnt think it was fair my husband gets everyone there for him but I cant have my own family or friends there and how We didnt want it to feel like a real wedding, and if someones there, it would feel more like a wedding to me. Me and my husband, do plan to save up and have a big wedding with EVERYONE there, no one left out. My husbands parents couldnt understand that, and they kept trying to plan our wedding like at nice parks and such so we wouldnt have it at the courthouse because they didnt think it was appropriate. His parents were so mad at our desicion in how we had planned to get married that they made me cry non stop telling us we are ruining our lives because we plan to get married that way and they just went over the top telling us every now and then how dissapointed they are in us and the mom is constantly telling us how depressed she is over it too because we didnt have the wedding her way. His mom also said, and im not joking, that the wedding was all about "her". Umm.. no its about me and my husband. I understand my husbands parents are upset and it means alot to them, but Im upset that they didnt respect our descicion because my husband felt the same way that it wasnt fair i couldnt have my own family there for me but he would have his. His parents made me cry the day before we got married at the courthouse, his parents said congradulations a few days after us getting married but only to my husband and not me, I heard his mom bluntly say it to my husband while i was in the room beside them.
    My own family congradulated us both even tough we had at it the courthouse, I told my family over the phone and email and they sent us congradulations cards and money as a present which i thought was nice. I cant understand why my parents could be so supporting but his cant.

    I feel livid. That someone would try to overtake my plans on my wedding, and make me feel bad about it. I know i said me and my husband didnt want to make anything of the courthouse wedding until we could have a big wedding so it would feel more like one. But even a courthouse wedding is still EXTREMLY important to me. I dont want to have anything to do with his parents, how they couldnt respect our desicion and how i felt about it, how they made me cry nonstop before my wedding and kept saying things to make me feel bad about getting married.
    am i being fair? or am i ebing over the top?
     
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  2. poojachinoy

    poojachinoy Gold IL'ite

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    getting married alone with you and DH is justified,if thats how you guys wanted it...but the "reasons" for it being just you and him are not justifiable...why should his family suffer for your family not being able to make it...totally wrong on your part..if you both wanted to have a romantic 'just you and him wedding' its fine,fair enough,as u were ready to host a grand reception later(still dont understand this concept though as even american people invite close friends and family for an intimate wedding,but still trying to understand your view point and keeping in accordance with the right for everyones privacy and choice).....but having it that way,just because your family cant attend is being like a SADDIST...wrong on your part according to me.
     
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  3. Vasuma09

    Vasuma09 IL Hall of Fame

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    According to me you are too selfish, who doesn't have any care and affection on inlaws..Instead of telling like "My husband parents didnt like the idea of themselves not being at our courthouse wedding" Can't you mention them as your inlaws.Please give them same respect and importance like your parents after all they are your husband parents..
     
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  4. pearblossom2012

    pearblossom2012 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi samanthaisabele

    i understand your feelings. in this indian culture families, the wedding will not go according to our plan, inlaws will always try to make it happen their way. I had the same problem before and now. They couldnt really be bothered with our families.SO you're not being over the top. if they are nice to you and your family then its fair enough to be nice to them. If they are not, then i would just ignore them . my husband only takes care of his parents, and neglected my parents.sometimes i wonder what is the purpose of marriage if this is how it will be. so, in your case, if you husband has his own stand,then you;re save. if not, then you just have to go on leaving like that. you just have to fake happiness sometimes.
     
  5. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with the replies above. You need not have celebrated it in a nice way, but the least you could have done is let them participate in the court wedding. Its not their fault that they have to miss out on their son's wedding. If the reverse were to happen and you were getting married in Canada and your inlaws were in states and could not come, do you feel justified in not inviting your parents to the wedding?
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    I think your mil is right. You did make your wedding all about you. All you considered is what you want and what you dont want, It is your visa and your need to marry on us soil. But he is their son, they were okay with the special circumstances of your situations so you could have accommodated their wishes too. Every parent has some wishes and dreams about being there for their child's wedding. How can you even equate your family not being there due to visa and financial reasons to his family not being there because you decided they shd not be there? You should have let them be present at the wedding of their child. It need not have been a lavish or fancy wedding but if they wanted to come and were able to come for the wedding, they do have the right to be present. In my opinion you went too far.

    I have never heard of anyone forbidding people from coming to their wedding. Usually people feel very happy even if distant relatives or friends can make it for their wedding and clearly remember who all attended the function for many years. You actually forbade the bridegroom's parents itself from attending? wow.
    And what did you say here?

    "I know i said me and my husband didnt want to make anything of the courthouse wedding until we could have a big wedding so it would feel more like one. But even a courthouse wedding is still EXTREMLY important to me."

    Well, can you understand that it was 'extremely important' to them also? Me, Me Me you are only thinking about yourself.

    And now you are livid that they are upset and depressed about it? Everything was done the way you wanted but still you are mad that how they dare to be depressed about all this? Because of that now you are mad? I dont understand you at all.
     
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  7. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    I too agree with all the above replies.

    Think if you got married in Canada... will your parents agree for not attending the wedding as his parents are not attending. Wont they create this kind of drama. Of course they will. Dont try equate the things in marriage. In some moments inlaws would attend in other your parents. You cant wait for both the parties in each every situation of life.

    It seems even you would not invite your IL for bday party of your kid if your parents cant make it but would rather invite the whole world.

    Solution- Patch up with your IL. Write a email with a apology.
     
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  8. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Don't you think if at least one set of parents were there you would have enjoyed the wedding even more? I think you made a blunder by not having your in laws just bcoz your parents could not make it. I have actually attended a wedding where the girls father met with an accident a few days b4 the wedding and nobody from her family could make it...the boy and girl were not in India. But friends and close family of the boy made the wedding a memorable one!
     
  9. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

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    from ur post i feel u very selfish in not letting his parents ( as u refer , but a kinder way would be my in laws ) attend the wedding. wedding is a time when u want to have blessing of everyone , ok agreed some people like privacy and opt for simple court weddings but no allowing the guys parents to come is bit too much. just because ur family could not make it , u will not allow his family to come ?
    i think it was very sweet of ur in laws to offer u a wedding in a park , u would also have enjoyed. And suppose the current senario does not change and u guys are not able to have a proper wedding then ur in laws will always feel sad that they could not attend the wedding of their son. And i dont understand why u did not want it to feel like a real wedding ? i feel bad for ur in laws , u really seem like a very selfish person.
     
  10. mommybird

    mommybird Gold IL'ite

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    Girls..Girls...Before you jump the guns and shoot the girl, am looking at it from a different angle. She is western bred and so is the husband. She has been brought up this way and here the wedding is all about the bride and the groom. She and her husband did try to explain to them that they will have a big wedding and this was small and all that, then what was the need to make her cry and be rude to her? I understand they were upset, but remember if he had married a white american, she would have not even allowed them to be this rude with her. The OP is canadian and hence is not able to understand the indian mindset here. Instead of berating her and calling her selfish, can we atleast understand where she comes from, appreciate it and then address her concerns?

    OP, In India, marriages are seldom about the bride and the groom. Thats the sad truth. Your husband's parents are from India and are still not able to accept that that their son is married without their presence. This is a BIGGG thing for them and they view it as insult. They are not angry at you or rude at you persay, they cannot understand where you are coming from and your thought process. They are so consumed by the shock that they were not invited for the wedding and are venting to you in a rude way. If you want things to be ok with you guys, please go tell them the truth that like their Son was bred here and could not understand this would mean so much to you. You apologise and would surely try to accomodate their views in your gala wedding plans.

    Cheer up! They are just as confused as you are. A little empathy, a one on one would go a long way dear.
     
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