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Not able to forget the painful past and forgive inlaws! Help!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by abc00, Feb 19, 2010.

  1. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    As i have mentioned in my earlier post that my inlaws are visiting us almost after 8yrs. Howmuchever i may pacify myself, im not able to bring down my temper and forgive them from my inner soul. Though its their son's house, the whole family has kept me out of this right from planning the trip to booking tickets.

    Im broken from inside to see dh planning to take them on trips,arranging family get togethers with friends around etc. They have mentioned it coming for kids sake and no where i can see/hear his family members thinking of doing anything for kids.

    Im a person who cannot bear double crossing and very sensitive. I dont know how to handle my inlaws. Im scared in my heart that the lady (MIL) will disturb the harmony b/w me and dh. Dh says they are coming now which indicates a move of peace from their side and now its my turn.I dont want to be unfriendly to them at the same time cannot be sweet to them. The very thought itself brings frown on my face and im ending up with fighting with dh much before their visit.

    Im not able to forget the pain/injury/humiliation inflicted by them in the past and forgive them. I think this requires lots of guts and patience. I dont want to give them another chance of walking over me.

    Though many ladies have suggested me to keep calm and move ahead, i feel like showing them how happy his son can be if these monsters are away. I cannot do this as it will lead to a distance b/w me and dh.Many say (including my parents) that if i blow up, i will be the loser. I was a loser earlier and even now. I feel very very sad for every women bcos we have to keep quiet then and now.
    When will we get a chance to display our anger?

    Im not able to sleep peacefully thinking i would be cooking for these people during their visit, who denied feeding me while i was pregnant? The lady hated my unborn child at that time and now wants grandkids bcos cosis cannot conceive??

    Pls pls help me with this. I want some solace before their visit so that i dont mess up my married life.I want to strike a balance like 'saap bhi marna and lathi bhi nahi tuta' kind. Is this possible?
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2010
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  2. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Dear abc,
    I understand your temper. Their humiliation might have tested your patience atleast. No matter what they do, do your best with peace. Dont try to press panic button when you happened to see them. Make your hubby as the bridge and communicate through him about day-to-day happenings, if required. Handle this situation diplomatically. Because one thing we have to understand, we avoid any people in life except both sides parents. So, these are unavoidable people.
    If they tend to quarrel/fight with you, let them know that you are not ready to fight and let your hubby takes a call.
    Involve you DH as much as possible in day-to-day chores during their stay. They will defintely understnad how you guys are moving ahead and undestanding and happy in lives.
     
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    ABC you really have no choice... thats the first thing you have to tell yourself.
    First time mommies always dread on pains of delivery.. finally they also tell them they really dont have a choice.. the baby has to come out & thats when you get ready to bear whatever is in store for you.

    If you think you really cant handle them from now itself then plan a trip to India and stay with your parents for the duration these inlaws are with your DH.. alternatively you can live with them for a while... many a times our fears are sometimes proven wrong else one attains a new height of tolerance...
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    abc00,


    Yesterday evening I went to gym and there was one person whose hand is, I guess paralyzed and he can't use his hand anymore. Whom he has to curse? Is that god for giving life long punishment? That time I thought about you and your previous post.
    Again same thing, you are lucky to move away from them pretty soon. But what if you stayed with them for your life long? Won’t that be lifetime punishment? Think about the woman who lives in slums and other countries with more restrictions.
    I think god has given us at least decent life to live. So don't worry about your MIL and how she treated you. I know she did but you need to forget and move on for your own sake and for your kid’s sake and for your family sake.
    When they are coming after long a time, I am pretty sure your husband is very exited so be normal and do your duties and don't cross the line at the same time don't try overdue the things too.
    Only god should why he makes MIL’s like that may be just because they nervous freaks that DIL will take away their son and act that way when we married initially.
    My MIL still does so many drams and my husband doesn't understand at all because it's his own mother and that's ok for him.
    I can't spoil my own peace and my house peace just because of her. So most of the times I move on and just leave to the god to take care of her.
    So you don't have to worry, for any action there will be a reaction and time will take care of it.

    So don't spoil your peace from now on.
     
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear

    I wouldnt say that its easy to forget and forgive...NO..its not easy and it wont happen unless the person who did wrong is really sorry for hurting us and shows in words and actions towards us...but we cant expect such inlaws to be sorry for what they said / did (yes thats the sad truth:bonk)

    Whether you like them or not..finally your husband is their son...Even if you dont want to see them or have relationship with them, they always would be in your life as they are part of the extended family.

    My suggestion would be sometimes forgiveness is the best punishment we can give to such people. Beleive me if you show your resentment or anger or upset feelings for them, things would be bad for you, rather than them. Yes its tough to be nice to such people. But think what would you do, if some friend of yours whom you dont like comes over to your place.

    We need to be diplomatic in such situations as if we are straightforward,we are the persons who would be hit badly.Why do you want to spoil your peaceof mind and marriage of 8 yrs for their stay which is jsust few months. not worth.

    Try to be calm, composed and a girl with few words,respect them, take care of them, keep yourself busy. you are doing all this for your husbands happiness (think that way!)gives you lot of releif.
     
  6. Anushka2009

    Anushka2009 New IL'ite

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    My suggestion to you is instead of fighting /arguing with your husband ask him what does he expect out of you, you come to terms on the things he expects. Discuss the routine. Ask him to talk to you if he needs it changed once they are here. Show him that you are ready to compromise and you are doing everything for his sake. Please do the ground work before they come. Once husband is happy half battle is won.

    Its terrible that they did not offer you food while you were pregnant, i know how much that can hurt. Some people are just cruel. But you should do the opposite of what they did. Give them a lot of food. In front of them offer food, money to Temples and anyone in need. Tell them you cannot see their condition.

    Dont let them walk over you, give them what they expect, like if they expect them that you ask if they like some tv serial, ask it, dont offer any of your story or any other info. Cut the conversation short. This is what some of my friends do. I am also very sensitive just like you, so get some of your husband's support.

    If they are good to your child, pls dont think about how they hated him before he was born. I know how hard that can be and easy to say than done. But try.

    To start a conversation with your DH, there are some good days and bad days, whatever you want to say try to say it on a good day to your husband, when you are feeling happy. Even when inlaws come dont say anything when you are having a bad day.
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. imangel

    imangel New IL'ite

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    Dear Abc,

    I am in the same dilemma. I can atleast talk abt my pains with my husband, but tht also creates distance. I hate his mom and sister. They live together. His sis is married 8 years and she and her child and hubby live there. They all insulted me and my family a lot. They drove me out of the house. they encouraged affair betweem my hubby and their young maid....!!! can u believe ? they tried their best to ruin my studies, career and tried divorcing us....Still I forgave them and started a new relationship, which sadly could exist only for a month...

    I think no one can change them..till they realise. The best way is to ignore and show them how happy u r....how fulfilled u r. Laugh a lot..and behave as if you r the boss of the house. Ur hubby's home is first ur home. Pray to God and believe tht God will set things all right!
     

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