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Not Able To Comprehend

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sangeeta098, Feb 5, 2021.

  1. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    :roflmao::clap2:
    I've heard of neck...and the tell-tale hickies. However, it is clever to hide it elsewhere; 20+ years of experience must count for something after all. You have identified a redeeming feature, haven't you ?

    Do carry on..... after this long, you are meant to be together.
     
  2. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    Atleast he is trying. You should probably start seeing it that way and start working upwards from there.

    Don’t forget, hold him accountable. Let him know that you know what he is doing, that you are affected by what he is doing and that you are concerned about his lack of seriousness to keep his promises. As long as both of you have the same objective in mind, shouldn’t be an issue moving the relationship in the direction you want.
     
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP
    You have to give a strong response.
    Tell him, that you are aware that he is talking negative about you to others. It reflects his lack of respect towards you . You can't accept it.
    You can also cook up.stories and do the same against him. What will be his reaction? Will he like it? Is that the right way. So convey that you expect the same respect back and he should stop it. So far you talked about him with respect and you expect it back. Also these people who listens to him,including his kids may think bad about him on why he blame you behind your back. As a husband you expect him to protect you infront of others . If he has any issue,he should share with you not with others. Also , his kids learn from him. Is he a good role model?

    You can talk to him when you guys are calm or atleast text him( that help to write proper sentences). Whatever may be the method, you should convey that you can't accept this behavior and he should not repeat it.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2021
  4. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP
    What I feel is he has some things in his mind about u that he didnt like about you.And he feels if he tells u then there can b an argument or fight so he is telling your daughter whom he must b close to so that he has sone peace of mind.
    It happens with me and my sister ..when somethings my mom tells me which i dont like and i feel if i tell her we can have an argument ..i tell my sister and she talks to my momwhenever she is in a mood to listen so that it is conveyed and there is no argument.
    Coming to my husband..he used to do that more often in initial years of marriage and less often now and initially i hated it and discussed it with a fiend ..She said that his nature is such that he discusses whatever is bothering him with others to get a solution and not with the intention of backbiting
    Here in indusladies when we have minor issues we discuss we dont backbite.
    This is what i feel ..Still if it bothers u ..tell him openly that whatever it is that bothers him he should tell u and not others so that next time u keep in mind.
     
  5. sangeeta098

    sangeeta098 Senior IL'ite

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    Yeah, I agree.
    Its human, we belong to different families & we are brought up differently so we cannot like each & everything of each other. There are many things I don’t like about him but if you decide to stick to each other, you need to let go & if you keep remembering your dislikes, how do you work together.

    We already discussed this that we will keep things to each other but still this is happening. Its like maintaining multiple faces & lives at the same time. Just finding it hard to digest. I am inside outside the same person & can’t imagine myself handling the things the way he is handling.
     
  6. sangeeta098

    sangeeta098 Senior IL'ite

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    I have tried this.
    Don’t

    Respect comes from within & that side seems pretty empty. I don’t fight with him anymore because there’s no point. Talking & false promises dont take it anywhere either.
     
  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    When I read your first post in the thread, it struck me that you were for looking to understand why he does this, not how to get him to stop it.

    After 23 years, you will have a good estimate of how useful it is to discuss it with him, how much can you check on any promises he makes.

    Looks to me like you are on the right track -- try to identify why he does it. Instead of bringing up the topic now and then, make a list of the times he talks negatively about you behind your back. Give it 4-8 weeks. Let the list grow to 4-5 unique items or significant repeats of an item. I know it sounds pathetic to maintain such a list. BTDT. :facepalm: I find myself not able to keep a discussion with child or H calm. so the list creation happens. When we do talk about the issue, there is a ready element of humor as I refer to the list. In any discussion, it helps if some blame or wrong-doing is assigned to each side. So my "blame" used to be the list I made and that I made a list.

    I learned this from my child who once made an impressive list of my wrongs in one particular category and brought it up at a time when I hadn't "wronged" in the previous 2-3 days. : )

    Once the list is sizeable, at a suitable time, initiate a discussion with husband. Keep tone non-confrontational, non-accusatory, you don't have to be smiling but keep your disappointment out of it. The point is to explore why he does what he is doing. Don't expect definite answers. Don't get side-tracked by his claims of "I did not say that." Keep steering back the talk to the "Why." If you can keep your tone calm and not vent, not express frustration, at a minimum you end the discussion having shown him that you are aware of what he is doing and are being calm, mature and adult about it. Seeing the other person behave like that makes one want to be a little like that.

    On another note - the things he says to others about you, how negative are they? For example, this is almost routine conversation women have about their husbands: he does not help with the kids, he does not help with cleaning, he is not helping older one with college stuff, always at his laptop, never has time for me.

    The thing that disturbed me the most in your description was that he talks negatively about you with your child when you are not around. One parent "criticizing" the other happens as the kids grow older, but that is when the entire family is around, like at the dinner table and in a playful manner.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2021
  8. sangeeta098

    sangeeta098 Senior IL'ite

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    I would not even bother about routine conversation. One of the conversation with my daughter - “I made a poor choice of marrying her. My friends & people who knew about your moms family told me not to marry in this family.”

    I keep wondering whats wrong.This was an arranged marriage. No-one forced anybody.

    I think he takes pride in talking behind my back to the kids. He has problems with kids being nice to me. He has been vigilant if I am with kids one on one. I have wondered why but never actually paid much attention. Now ever since the things have become more clear to me, everything seems intentional right from day one & he behaves & talks with me as if we are the perfect couple in the world & then such a dark side to the whole story.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Probably he is speaking the truth. After all, he has found a way to speak out his mind.

    One of my uncle used to do this with others, like 'I made a wrong choice of marriage. Had i rejected this lady, my life would have been better. Since i married her, I've been adjusting ever since'
    He is seriously regretting his choice. He attributes to all his marital compromises & tensions to the lady of his choice. He truly believes his life would have been different had he married another woman.

    He kept this feelings within him to avoid further issues in his marriage during their prime years. He had many other battles to combat earlier. Besides that , with his adjustment or not, the couple maintained a decent life.

    But now, at the ripe age he is regretting the lost years, the adjustment made, and imagine a different life with a different partner.

    I wouldn't say he was wrong. They were just not in love with each other despite of living together for long. He is being true to his feelings at least now. Can't helo
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    That's tough to hear. Sorry.

    Not questioning your judgement of his comments, but sometimes the context matters. If your daughter and he were discussing arranged marriage for instance, he could make that statement along with saying something like, "arranged marriage comes with its risks, we operate with what info we can gather, but ..." Maybe, just maybe, he was criticizing your family rather than you yourself.

    If you did not yourself hear what he said, you might know the entire context.

    I am sorry. There is not much you can do when so many years have gone by and the issue is not easy to define or prove.
    If it is some consolation, as kids grow into adults, they learn to recognize flaws in parents. One parent bad-mouthing the other is an easy to see trait.

    I hope you find some way to make peace with what is.
     

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