1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Not Able To Adjust To Married Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by poi098, Oct 8, 2017.

  1. poi098

    poi098 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    42
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    I have been married for a few months now. I'm not enjoying it. Husband is a workoholic and introverted. He is just on his phone and computer watching TV series whenever he is home. I feel he is shy to talk in front of his parents. But even at nights, he just drifts off to sleep the minute he hits the bed, he talks if he is in the mood otherwise - just dozes off. He is mostly preoccupied thinking about his work and future. At times i feel he is not interested in marriage or me, but when he IS in the mood and he talks, he is quite sweet. But this side of him comes out only once in a month or so. I talk more to MIL & FIL than hubby. MIL is bossy but they are ok ok, in-laws are in-laws after all. My problem is not with in-laws but my husband. Why won't he get more involved. Why is he keeping his life separate? Aren't we supposed to live our lives together now??
    I have spoken to him about this, and explained to him that i feel he is not interested in marriage and me. He says no no no, thats not the case. I am pre occupied with my work right now, but things will be better.
    I cry myself to sleep nearly every night because hubby doesn't care or pay much attention to me. He is happy and content living his own life, and leaves me to have a relationship with in-laws. I am married to HIM right, not his parents. Why should i converse with them just to be polite when hubby doesn't feel the need to entertain me\ converse with me.
    I'm not able to adjust to married life because of this. The best time for me right now in life is when i sleep and when i am in office. i try and extend my office hours and do time pass outside home just to avoid coming home and dealing with hubby and in laws. I thought at least the first few years of marriage were supposed to be enjoyable.
    Is it an issue with me. Because honestly my in-laws are ok - they are not evil or bad. They have their own personality traits that every one has. They have negatives but they also have positives. They treat me well. Hubby is good too , there is no such negative issue that i face in particular. He treats me well. So is it a problem with me ?
     
    sindmani, zeppelingirl and sweetygal like this.
    Loading...

  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,807
    Likes Received:
    5,247
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    A MIL that cooks breakfast and lunch when you are in the shower must be good to some extent, glad you acknowledge that.
    If husband has time to watch TV , then why no time for Biwi? A husband that is not interested in marriage is a form of emotional abuse IMO. So the problem lies with him , make sure you put your foot down and don’t let him brush issues under the carpet.
     
    BeingSoulful and sindmani like this.
  3. sumalynux

    sumalynux IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,515
    Likes Received:
    2,761
    Trophy Points:
    325
    Gender:
    Female
    You are totally right in expecting importance and quality time with your husband.

    Tust me most men are like this, less talks, more time with friends, tv, smartphone.
    But initial marriage days especially before having kids couple usually get quality time
    With each other.

    Try below things.

    Buy a holiday package and say was gifted by some cousin or colleagues and ask him to take leave n join trip. See if he opens up and spends time and gives you quality time on holiday. (only reason of saying cousin/friends gifted is to avoid giving him a chance to postpone or reject when you talk about talking holiday)

    Weekends ask him to take u movies and restaurants and see if it helps him and you with more quality time.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,174
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    There is nothing wrong with your expectation, you sound normal but your husband doesn't seem like he is interested to build a good bond with you yet.

    He seems to be happy with showing you his good side once a month, enough to just show you that he's a nice guy n keep you calm n then gets back to his old self.

    Since they are all good people n you share a better relationship with your in laws, why not speak to them ?

    If you are crying yourself to sleep every night, don't hide it. Make sure someone in the family notices it, don't make it too obvious but let them come to you asking 'what's wrong ?'

    Tell him 'People work almost their whole life and if they forget to live their life in this process, life will be over even before we realize it. So it's better we learn how to balance this when we are starting our life together'.

    Start the habit of going for a walk every night after dinner. This will get you out of the house, give you guys time to chit chat, time to bond.

    Go for vacations often, weekend getaways. These days vacations aren't an expensive affair at all. There are many small small places around the cities we live in, so less traveling time or travel expenses n many of these places has economical hotels or home stays. So google n find good places around n keep getting out every alternate weekends. Say once kid comes, can't travel as often, so let's do now.

    Get board games, carrom board, chess kindsa games to play at home. Include your mil n fil too whenever it applies. This way the gadgets can stay away for a while.

    There are some sweets, snacks that are labor intensive that requires a few more helping hands. You can convince your mil to make that and your hubby n you n even your fil (if he wants) can pitch in to make it together.

    These are jus a few options, you can come up with many more stuff like this. The point is to keep him away from the gadgets by keeping him busy by doing something else. You can start with doing together as a family (helps in cases of introverts / shy kinds) n slowly with jus you. This will help in building the bond.

    Make sure to be vocal about your expectations to him, they don't really read minds, so it's better to tell them. The annoying part, sometimes we have to keep telling them. So don't lose heart, don't give up, make a stand where required n stay strong.
     
    Giri12, aishabhi, sindmani and 2 others like this.
  5. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    8,147
    Likes Received:
    8,655
    Trophy Points:
    490
    Gender:
    Male
    :hello:after careful deliberation, sister, you had given various options for author of the thread and trust she would follow atleast some of them if not all and succeed in getting her DH to fulfil her dream by granting her full moons though it may sometime time be waning. She seems to be on a solid wicket and so I trust by following your advice she would emerge more confident and happy. Wish her Godspeed in her endeavour. Thanks and Regards. God Bless us all.
     
  6. poi098

    poi098 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    42
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    We have gone for 2 vacations in the past few months. Nothing changed. He is tired to go out during the day, but we go out from 7 - 10 pm once a weekend evening. But i don't think thats enough.
     
  7. poi098

    poi098 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    42
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,433
    Likes Received:
    10,563
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Looks like your husband takes you for granted.
    He is unable to multi-task, or unable to be romantic before his parents.
    Whatsoever, he comfortably believe everything will be all right. He doesn't see the bitterness you are developing day by day.
    It is high time that you speak your heart out.
    Many men are like your H only. They are not expressive, and they confuse with love and sex most of the time.
    They fail to understand the grey area between love and sex, that we women expect from them. They are too reluctant to come out of their comfort zone, to initiate what a marriage needs to succeed. Blame their genes, upbringing, society or whatever. Sadly they get what they want. So it is an easy ride for them unlike we women.

    So, what should we do?

    If he sits with TV, why don't you join him?
    Don't expect him to lock the bed room upon his arrival and spend private time with you while his parents are watching.
    Instead, go to the living room, sit next to him... start any conversation... Not necessarily with him alone, perhaps his parents also may join.
    Learn and understand their family dynamics etc...
    While watching TV, discuss about the subject related to it...

    Eat together with him... Sit on the table next to him and serve while having dinner with him.

    Take him for a walk at night. Make it as something health related. But you may enjoy the private time together.

    Go with him whenever he goes for grocery shopping, fish market or whereever...
    And spend the time with him.

    Plan a dinner date, movie, tour or anything. Make the initiation by booking, finding cheap rate, transport etc.. and convince him for it.

    Slowly start the bonding. It takes a lot of effort to be bonded.

    Once kids are around, you won't long for him like this... Believe me... Time quickly flies...
     
    GoneGirl and sumalynux like this.
  9. sumalynux

    sumalynux IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,515
    Likes Received:
    2,761
    Trophy Points:
    325
    Gender:
    Female
    Does he interact , talk to you , watch TV with you, discuss things pay attention to you on vacations?

    How long are you married... Some men are like this detached.. Find out if he's been like this along or only now and with you. Initiate more outings and conversation even just dinner at restaurants and going movies would help.


    And I read your other thread.. On a weekend when dh and fil is there tell this to your mil "Aunty/Amma you cook all week and get tired, I have learnt this new recipe let me cook today. OR I liked the pulav you had prepared other day, I will prepare that today can you guide me". Say this every weekend.

    So at least your dh and fil knows you are attempting to cook or for a change she might let you cook as it was told in front of them. Meanwhile enjoy your weekdays breakfast n lunch.. evenings offer washing vessels or cleaning up kitchen after dinner, even this you can tell in front of all. Let me wash vessels, let me Clean kitchen..
     
  10. lavani

    lavani Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    613
    Likes Received:
    791
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    oh my god. that was my husband. wow. trust me dear there is nothing wrong with you.

    i am not sure how your dh is. here is my story. my dh was never around women, had a brother. father dominated house. fun loving guy . but totally introvert with women. never had a gf. it does not mean he is asexual or gay.

    if not for my mom, i would be another statistic in divorce list. I was very very patient for first 2 years. now he is addicted to me.

    first you cannot keep crying. you have to learn and watch his behaviours, sexual and asexual. sexual like what kind of women he likes. men are visual. my dh liked me in saree and flowers. i guess being tamil, he had a desire.

    next involve him like a friend. go for small walk or things he like . fitness is very important. my dh was not into fitness, i forced him to join gym together. he loves it now. and me get a personal trainer as my dh. you have to learn what exicites him.

    for god sake don't live for facebook, it looks silly, but it breaks my heart when stupid women ruin their family for a perfect picture rather having fun with their family. i am seeing live example in my neighbor house. that women was shameless fighting with her dh in public because he is not taking good pictures.

    sorry my if post shows that women being weak, my mom said it is the weakness and feminism with positive attitude attracts men . it worked for me.

    also please do not have kids till you are fully bonded.
     

Share This Page