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Not a supportive H and suffering with MIL :(

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by BDivya, Jun 23, 2015.

  1. BDivya

    BDivya Platinum IL'ite

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    Here again i am here to post my suffering..

    When i am writing this i am literally crying :( :(
    Really i don know how to handle MIL and H.. please help me!!!!! i really want a shoulder to cry..
    Again MIL started with tantrums.. i seriously hope either i should escape from these tantrums or some how die... but the thought of my son 1 yr old stops me from further thinking to die...but how do i cope with them???
    Really ladies, is there some trick or some strategy that u follow to stay happy in a joint family??or atleast tell me a strategy to make my H feel good about me and think iam not wrong in my thought / deeds... please help me!!!

    Scenario: for the past 1 month now, MIL,FIL have totally cut their talking to me.. we stay together.. I really don know the reason for that. but MIL makes sure that if anything has to be done by me she is very clever to get it conveyed to me either thru my H/co-sis/co-sis's daughter... or any1 is not present, then she turns her face to other side and tells me what should be done.. like today u cook n cook this...
    but today she mannipulated my H to yell at me. for the past month i had been trying very hard to be super nice to my H inspite of his constant support to his parents words n hurting me every now n then whenever his mom says that look she did this...then immediately he would ask me why u did this that too in a very harsh way :'( I really dont know what to do to make my H understand that whatever iam doing its because they did somethiing and iam trying to give them back..
    just answer me one thing, is it right if they do something to hurt me ??? or is it right only if they can hurt me and i can t give them back atleast a lil bit of it??? y should i bear their hurtings????? y should i not give back???? am i wrong if i do that??

    current fight: today morning they had arranged for a puja for my co-sis's daughter.. I came to know about this only day before yesterday..that too no one informed me.. I had to know it thru their talkings while they were talking within themselves.. so i had decided that if only they inform me then iam going to participate in this puja and help in preparing dishes for puja.. so they didnt care to inform me so i din help them.. today morning i got up and did chores related to my baby only.because they had cooked already and were gearing up for puja and as puja started i went to my room and sat there near my sleeping son..
    MIL sent my H to ask me y i din come for puja.. he asked me in a harsh way :(
    I replied they din inform me anout this and called u only for puja. so they dont want me and thats y i din come.. he got furious saying they take care of baby when iam at office and he even said that i don do any household work and this and that.. i tried defending myself saying i did all but nothing he was ready to hear..he told if u behave like this then i will behave in this way to u (harsh way),because i had asked him y u behave so harsh with me..MIL utilised this oppurtnity well, she started saying all bad things about me to him and started being overly nice to him and he ended up saying dont talk to me n dont touch me(when i triede to hold his hand and ask him y r u behaving like this?) he evenused some bad words to me :'( reeally heart breaking..
    i tried calling him from my office, but still he was like u r worng since the day u came to this house after marriage.. u don do any household work..i have seen u in this 2.5 yr of marriage u have never changed.. u always behave as u wish .. u don listen to MIL.. u try to escape from work..u don do any work for house..ur like this so i have decided to be like this only with u and when i get a chance i will take revenge on u.. n wen its time for u that time i wont support u and instead i myself will go n tell MIL,FIL,BIL,Co-sis to not be near ur side..
    these words r haunting me.. im in office now.. since morning i m not able to work anything.. thinkng all sorts of possibilities to make my H be nice with me...
    since morning in my office, whom ever i see i feel that their life is happy and their relationship with their H is nice n they love each other n they stand for each other... but my H is not there for me : ( : ( :( he does not stand for me :( he instead yells at me,scolds me, abuses me,does not love me,hates me,wants me to go back to my moms place....

    y is my H not nice to me?????
    how can I make him be nice to me???
    how can i escape from this hell of a place of this inlaws????????????????
     
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  2. friendlyaqua

    friendlyaqua Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi dear,

    really feel bad to hear your state. Let me tell you even I am in the same state even though we dont stay with my in laws. My hubby since marriage feels that I dont work, I am not fast, I argue a lot and I am not good in anything. Doubt, anger, hatred are the emotions he has. We are together for 13 yrs now.

    Probably its the person's nature thats why he behaves like this. If we say anything it is taken as arguement.

    You dont get worked up. Just dont react and dont pull the strings. Go and ask your mil why is she upset with you. Tell her that you really want to apologise if in any manner you have hurt her or anyone else.

    Take a break and go to your moms place for few days so that everyone will get space to think and realise.
     
  3. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    first of all....hugs to u dear...dont get upset...be brave....
    i feel if u will continue bending backwards they will bend you more till u break...u have been nice to them but still they are not happy....
    if i have been at ur place i would have told my husband in a calm manner that if he and other family member thinks tht i doesnt do ny housework even after doing the chores for them then fine.....now onwards i will really not do anything and it shud not make any difference to anybody because anyhow everybody else is doing the housework only....and i would have stopped the housework...
    if they take care of ur son in ur absence and these words can be used against u so u should said to ur husband tht u r ready to put ur son to daycare and his family members are free to not do anything at all for ur son....
    i feel people who complains even after u being nice with them they take advantage of niceness as they consider it as weakness of u...so stop being nice to them...dont be nice ....dont be bad....just be neutral for sometime and see wht happens....
    dont talk to ur hubby ....dont talk to ur inlaws for sometime....dont get involve in any actitivity at house...whn hubby/inlaw blame u just be silent dont give explantion....dont appear needy..put ur on in daycare....appear confident....i think this will put them on bckfoot....this is just my 2 cents....it worked in my case u can analyze ur own....
     
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  4. BDivya

    BDivya Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanku dear..
    the thing is that based on the past exp n how she behaves with me n makes my H go mad at me, i dont like to talk to her.. and apologising is not there in my list atleast for her... i really hate her from the bottom of my heart.. thats solely because of the way how she behaved with me earlier....
     
  5. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi OP,

    Sorry to know about this. you are very hurt now. For few days you need a break from that environment. If you can go to your moms place, inform your husband that you need some break for few days, I want to go to moms place.

    After coming, you do your chores and take up few chores for joint family also like cooking one time food for everybody or cutting vegetables (it should be fixed one , not like whatever mil wants that time she tells you to do). If all eat together just sit and eat with everybody and go to your room and enjoy your personal stuff like your hobbies, your baby related stuff and spend time with your dh.

    If your dh says you are not working in house, tell that you want some fixed chore , otherwise you can't plan well with your office and baby.

    The more you try to please them they will do tantrums, so please don't try to please them. Do your part of work and don't react much to their talking/yelling. Just ignore for a while and see how it works.

    At least co-sis should tell you about the puja they are doing for their daughter.
     
  6. BDivya

    BDivya Platinum IL'ite

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    I really don want to put my DS to day care...
    i had been nice to them in the beginning but later i.e ater few months of marriage i stopped being nice to them because i felt they r not behaving good to me as they r with co sis...
    sometime i feel guily that may be they r right im not as my co-sis that s y they hate me... dunno....
    whatever my marriage is ruined and so is my happiness...
    thats y i hate them including H..
     
  7. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    If you are not in talking terms with inlaws why are you handing over you sons care to them in your absence . Either you need to start over and mend your relationship with them or start being independent for all your needs .

    Asking for fixed chore is a good Idea You know what you need to do and you can perfect it over time .

    Try and see objectivly where you right and where you wrong . Stand up for right and try to change the wrong .
     
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  8. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    if u dont wanna put ur son to daycare tht means ur in laws taking sufficiently gud care of ur son...u should show ur gratitude for this...
    dont compare ur inlaws behaviour with u with their behaviour with co-sis....if they are behaving bad with her too then will u be ok??? no....then just see how they are behaving with you ....forget abt cosis...same person behaves differently with 2 different persons...
    now u shuld poke ur conscience and if u think u were wrong even in past....try to mend...if u r right stand for urself...
    if u cant be nice to in laws try to be atleast fair towards them...
    in ur previous thread also i said tht ur husband has lack of respect towards u...in any relationship respect is more imp. than love....it seems to me tht u r running after ur husband luv and loosing ur respect in the process...
    when u decided tht u will not attend the pooja as they havnt involved u at tht time u shuld have anticipated the reaction of ur hubby....see when u give back to in laws ...no matter even if u r right ur husband is not going to like it...its as simple as tht...so either be smart in giving back or be bold or dont give back at all....decide wht u want...
    think and find out why ur husband is angry with u regarding u not doing household chore and abt ur behaviour with in laws.... reasons can be many...
    1. u were actually wrong and so he knows u r wrong...
    2. u were not wrong but ur in laws portrayed u as wrong...
    3. because of some wrong steps of u... u got proved as villain...
    4. u r right and ur husband knows tht u r right still he blames u just for putting u on back foot and making submissive....
    decide ur action according to reasons....
    as of now u r very confused, hurt n angry...let this fade away then think calmly over the situation tht wht thing brought ur marriage to this situation...and take corrective steps accordingly....
     
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  9. CuteCancer

    CuteCancer Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    I agree with other posters. Try changing your tactics stop running behind your husband. You cannot make someone respect or love you when you don't show respect or love towards yourself.

    Since your husband feels that you don't do housework...there is no need need to bang your head doing house work anymore. His opinion cant get worse. If he complains about you just tell him just like you are putting up with his behaviour he should also put up with yours.

    It would be difficult for you to remain unaffected by his reactions but at least pretend that you are unaffected. Do whatever you feel like doing and don't bother about pleasing your husband.

    The reason I have directed all my comments towards your husband is focus on dealing with him first in laws can be dealt later.

    Once your kid starts going to school their taking care of kid will reduce and your husband can no longer use it.

    Remember - You can be happy if you want. You just have to stop bothering about people who don't bother about you.
     
  10. VanithaSudhir

    VanithaSudhir Platinum IL'ite

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    Divya,

    1. Stop expecting your H to support your decisions. If you have decided to make a decision stick to it and handle it.. rather than expecting your H's acknowledgement.
    You are disappointed since your H is not supporting your decisions more than him yelling at you or abuse you verbally.

    2. If next time he yells at you.. don't keep justifying to him. Rather be calm. Instead of telling that you didn't attend the pooja since you were not invited..you could have given some other excuse or pretended like.. Oh I didn't know about the pooja at all until now.. I will be there in sometime... or Say DS was little cranky.. so you came to be with him or something like that..Your MIL/FIL are provoking you and you are reacting. This is what they were expecting from you. To tell your DH that you didn't attend the pooja since you were not invited and get your DH against you. You have to ACT.. dont REACT.

    3. Your DS is 2.5 yrs and can gladly go to a day care. Good standard day cares have good trained staff and all take good care of your kid. Your Kid will also enjoy and play with other kids than staying at home and do nothing. The daycare will also have interesting activities and your kid will enjoy doing it with other kids. This way you can get rid of them and stay separate.

    4. First of all stop begging your H to treat you properly. Let him do whatever he wants to. let him go around telling MIL, FIL SIL and the entire world that you are bad. Are they now considering you good ? Then why the heck are you bothered. Even if he tells the entire world that you are bad.. you should not worry as long as you know what you are doing is correct.

    Crying.. begging..justifying.. or expecting MIL/FIL to die are not going to help your situation. You are young, educated and independent and you can definitely help yourself instead of drowning in self pity. There are plenty of women who have very less in life..yet brave. So stay bold.
     
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