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Non-working wife helping her parents

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Nov 30, 2009.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    I was reading the thread what is the limit? where a husband was against his wife working, and so she was not able to help her parents who are not doing very well financially. I hope that lady is able to take up some job. Some related thoughts came to mind and starting a different thread so as to not clutter up that thread:

    Woman quits work to be a SAHM: If a man and woman start off in marriage with both working and contributing about the same money to the household, it can be expected that both can help their respective parents as needed. What about when kids come along? If the man and woman together decide that they'd prefer that the woman quit her work to be a stay-at-home-mom?
    - Can the woman still help her parents as needed once she is no longer bringing home a pay check every month?
    - If the man agrees in theory that whatever he earns belongs to them both, can the woman realistically hope to help her parents from that money?

    Woman never worked: Coming to a slightly different situation: marriages where the woman never worked (for whatever reason). The money the husband makes is generally supposed to belong to the couple together. The woman due to being at home most likely takes on more of the household responsibilities, and the man most probably does less at home than if both had been working. So, the woman can be said to be contributing to the marriage, though not getting paid. Doesn't she deserve to be able to help her parents if needed?

    I think when women are working they can help their parents easily. When they quit work, it gets tougher to do so in reality even if husband and wife agree that the money he makes belongs to them both. If woman has never worked, it gets even more tough, irrespective of how much she contributes to the marriage in a non-financial way and how much her hardwork at home helps her husband go out to work or take on more challenging and higher paying jobs.

    What do you think?

    -Rihana
     
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  2. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    I think the answer for both scenarios depend upon the husband! Sadly, the dynamics of our society give husbands and their families such a sense of entitlement, so much so that even some womens' parents decline any financial help from their daughters, even if they need it badly. They consider it a huge shame to take anything from their daughter. I remember my maternal grandfather's case. I really do not know if he was in need of any help financially, but any money that my mom or my aunt sent was put in a separate savings account and we did not know of it until after he passed away! I see so many cases where the parents are totally ill at ease taking any help from daughters, but are fine with the son helping them.

    Ideally, I think both the spouses should be able to use their money for whatever purpose they want to, provided they have enough for themselves! But again, I think the way many of our our men are conditioned, they are just too insensitive to this thought. Personally, if I was not working, though I am pretty certain that my husband would not frown upon helping my parents financially if they needed it, I would be very, very hesitant to ask. (Of course, it would not strike him to ask me if my parents need anything on his own, though that is not the case with me. It would occur to me to ask him to send his parents money for any big purchase or impending expenditure). With that thought, I would never want to find myself unemployed!!!
     
  3. meerajesh59

    meerajesh59 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    My condition is similar. I was working for 2 years after my marriage. Because of my health and some situation i quit my job. At that time my husband supported me a lot. Still he is supporting my parents (I am the only daughter).
    As you said husband's support is much essential.
     
  4. Sabitha_K

    Sabitha_K Gold IL'ite

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    Rihanna,

    Your illation is very interesting that if income of any spouse is treated as the income of the household then both the partners need to have equal say on how it is spent.Yes, you are absolutely right and this is how things are supposed to work in a conjugal relationship.

    I beg to slighly differ where I feel that lot of times it is not the son-in-law but the daughter of a family who resents to help her ailing parents in time of need.It is my personal opinion and hence I am not a big advocate of generalizing all son-in-laws as greedy monsters who want to sever financial ties with their spouse's parents for fear of supporting them.The daughter should also honour her filial responsibilities towards her ageing parents and not haul her husband as a pretence to cover her up.

    Since your intention behind this post I take is to ascertain if what you have stated is right then I loved the rationale you presented :thumbsup
     

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