1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Non-cooperative In-laws insist on Staying with us

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by monita, Apr 13, 2008.

  1. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,499
    Likes Received:
    2,343
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I have been married for 14 years. initialy, we lived with my in-laws for 4 years. There were always lots of conflicts with my MIL and 2 SILs, my MIL is uneducated and very authoritative. later my husband got overseas posting and we moved. after 4 years, when my FIL retired we had to move back. My SILs were nearly 30 yrs old and still unmarried and my husband being an only son decided we must fulfill our duty towards them. we arranged and got both of them married but soonafter things started getting bad to worse. one of them couldn't get along with her in-laws(all their fault ofcourse) and she and her husband spent almost all their time at our place and I was expected to look after them all the time. I got very frustrated and we moved overseas again. My in-laws live alone now. they are physically healthy and quite well off but they are not capable of doing anything. My MIL is suffering from depression since we moved. They have been putting a lot of pressure on us to return. My husband understands the situation and doesn't say anything but I feel very guilty. I feel because of me everybody is suffering. (I have been very unwell with several illnesses for last 2 years that doctor says have been caused by stress.)we visit them once a year and they have also visited us once but living with them is very very difficult, they are very demanding,they demand me to cook elaborate meals for them, don't go anywhere etc. I have lost all hopes of ever being happy living with them or away from them. I don't know what to do.
     
    Loading...

  2. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,381
    Likes Received:
    48
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: in-laws driving me crazy. I have lost all hopes of being happy in life

    Dear Monita,
    I understand your situation. A tough one to live with.

    The first and foremost thought that came to my mind after reading your post was, you must stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself for not wanting to stay with your in-laws. Every choice we make comes with a positive and a negative aspect. It is only the proportion of these that varies from situation to situation. So please don’t blame yourself for it and please don’t live in a guilt trap. It is the worst form of suffering. It is like slow and painful death. Please don’t do this to yourself.

    I don’t know about your situation in great detail so I will not say whether you should stay with your in-laws or if you should stay away from them and let the relationship be the way it is. I think that is for you to decide.

    I would like to share with you though how I think in many situations like these where a clear-cut answer is hard to find. This is just to give you another perspective to think about.

    I will list down the things I will not be able to live with for the rest of my life. Then I will score them on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of their severity in my mind. For e.g. in your case two things could be listed from what you have posted - 1. Cannot tolerate living with in-laws. 2. Cannot bear the guilt of letting them age alone. Now, being extremely true to yourself, rate these two items in terms of which one is something that you would have a tough time living with for the rest of your life and which one would be tough to live with but something that you will slowly be able to come to terms with. The greater the difficulty in coming to terms with, the higher the score. You can do this exercise several times over a period of few months. After a few months review all the scores and see which one scores the highest. The highest scorer is the one you should not compromise on. Once you make the decision about which one it is that you will not compromise on, just live with your decision and do not have second thoughts about it. All the second thoughts should happen before you make the decision, not after you have made it.

    I know this may seem like a hardcore practical approach. But there are certain situations in life when you are stuck between a rock and a hard place where no amount of rational thinking, soul searching or thinking from the “heart” gives you clear-cut answers. I have found this way to work for me in most of those cases.

    Good luck. Whatever decision you make just don’t blame yourself for the negatives that may happen on the way. And letting your health get affected by all of this is an absolute no-no.

    I had written this once before, but I will repeat it here because I think it will help you in your current situation. This is something I experience very frequently. In life, almost always we are at a crossroad where we are forced to choose only one path. Once we choose the path, the scenery on that path comes with it. Sometimes this scenery may not be as per our liking. But knowing that this scenery is an integral part of the path we have chosen, we must accept it and try to enjoy it as much as possible. Wherever possible, we should try to change the scenery to our liking. But wherever we cannot change it, we should simply accept it and move on.

    So don’t worry yourself sick about the not-so-nice parts of the scenery that you cannot change, least of all, blame yourself for them.

    My best wishes to you for making a peaceful decision for yourself.
    SS
     
  3. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,499
    Likes Received:
    2,343
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: in-laws driving me crazy. I have lost all hopes of being happy in life

    thanks for your response and support ss. I guess we already made a choice, when we moved second time. The problem is how can I stop my in-laws guilting us. whenever we call them, they don't fail to remind us that they are old and that we should come back. I know their situation is not bad, they are not ill and their daughters visit them very frequently, they have a nice maid to do all the work.
    there are lot of things that bother me. If somebody has brother/s, they can move anywhere they wish to because their is somebody else to take care of the parents. for instance my in-laws never stayed with my husbands grandparents because his uncles were looking after them. so in the end, it's all about luck. another thing is that I don't have any brothers and my parents also live alone. I really can't understand why people who don't have sons are expected to live alone in old age but a boys parents make all hue and cry about it.
     
  4. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,381
    Likes Received:
    48
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: in-laws driving me crazy. I have lost all hopes of being happy in life

    Dear Monita,

    I understand how you feel.

    Unfortunately, this type of emotional blackmail from boy’s parents is very prevalent, especially, when the son lives in a foreign land. I don’t want to dissect the “whys and “hows” of this thinking. But I know exactly what you are talking about.

    Now that you have made your decision to stay away from them, all I will suggest is don’t let yourself feel guilty just because someone thinks you should. They have their way of thinking and you cannot change that. Just accept that that’s how they will think. Expect them to crib.

    What you really should focus on is to minimize the negative impact of their thinking on your life.

    From your post it seemed like your husband is ok with the current arrangement. I am sure he feels guilty many times but it does not seem like his guilt is forcing him to go back and stay with them. Just leave it like that. Don’t think your husband will ever be able to get over this guilt completely. I have seen families who have migrated to the US for 30+ years now and the men still feel guilty about leaving their mom in India with siblings. So you can imagine how ingrained this guilt is in our culture.

    All you need to do is focus on the part that their unnecessary cribbing should not disturb your mental peace and the environment at home.

    You could also do a few things to make yourself feel better.

    For e.g. sometimes when they are talking to you and start cribbing, nicely tell them that while you understand that they would love to have you all stay with them; you also think that they are lucky in so many ways. They are comfortable money wise, they have their own daughters to look after them. Their son loves them and cares for them. How many people of their age can boast of such a good life? Tell them that you feel happy to see that God has been so kind to them. Sometimes even when they don’t crib, remind them about the good things in their life. I am sure they will not like it and will try to neutralize it by listing their problems. But that’s ok. The point is not to convince them that their life is good but to tell them that you understand and know that their life is not all sad and pitiable either. They will slowly stop cribbing so much. It will not stop completely but they will be more careful when they crib about it to you.

    Sometimes reverse cribbing works too. When you talk to them, you start cribbing about how bad you feel about your parents not having anyone to look after their needs. And how you wish that they were as blessed as your in-laws J.

    And really, you do feel bad for your parent’s situation sometimes don’t you? But you quickly console yourself that their life is not that bad because of the other good things they have going for them. This is the same you are trying to tell your in-laws about their own life.

    With your husband too, keep reminding him from time to time about all the good things in his parents life. Many times in-laws will not tell the son about the fun part or the good happenings in their life because they want to give their son a perception that their life is so difficult without him. So if you hear something good happening in their day-to-day life, tell your husband about it.

    I think all of this is an everyday process. When your husband is frequently reminded about the good things in his parent’s life, he will slowly stop feeling that guilty. Of course, do not to expect that he will be guilt free. He can’t. He is a boy and has been brought up thinking that it is his responsibility to take care of his parents in every way. So some sort of guilt will always be there.

    Certain things in life are better if they are accepted the way they are. This is one such. Your precious time and energy should be focused on how to deal with these things and how to minimize the negative impact of these things on your life. So don’t worry about “why they think like that” just make sure you tell them some times “why they should not always think like that”. When you have said what you wanted to say, just let go and don’t expect them to change.

    Since you have already made the decision to stay away from them, stand by it. No decision is ever ideal. All decisions have shades of gray. So try to accept these grays and live with them happily. But don’t expect that others will live the grays happily too.

    And please don’t let your health get affected by all of this. Nothing, believe me, nothing is worth spoiling your health.

    Think about the good things in your life and enjoy them to the hilt.

    Good luck.
    SS
     
  5. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,499
    Likes Received:
    2,343
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: in-laws driving me crazy. I have lost all hopes of being happy in life

    oh ss, I can't thank you enough for your help and support. It's quite amazing how well you can understand my problem. I am so glad I found this site.
    It's true that when they are happy about something- like my SILs visiting them, they never tell us, we always get to know by chance if we call when they are there. They only keep telling how lonely they are and they are going to die soon.

    I don't really feel bad about my parents' situation. they are generally happy with their lives and they are very active even though they are not as healthy as my in-laws. My MIL often asks about my mother and I always tell her she is well and happy. I will try counter cribbing next time. thanks for your advice.
     
  6. Jpatma

    Jpatma Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,550
    Likes Received:
    12
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: in-laws driving me crazy. I have lost all hopes of being happy in life

    Dear Monita,
    You are a very nice understanding person from what i comprehend when i read your mail. I stayed with my in laws for 21 years and now i have moved out .
    Since you have opted to stay away ,please continue to do so and face life as it comes. Maintain good relationship with in laws and do what you can from the distance. This works out very well . Also simple humanitarian thought of helping some one is our duty.
    Do not stress yourself abt this, i think it is wise you are away from them and yet in good relationship. Continue talking in loving language to them and that you can't do please tell them politely.
    Do not forget to focus on your relationship with husband. If the husband is in your side or understands you half the battle is won. Sometimes we need to make some adjustments here and there.
    Above all if you are the type who prays , focus on loving relationship towards all , in other words be positive that all will be ok in its own due course. Accept the situation and move with it in your own pace and do not go against the tide.
    You will be surprised soon you will find changes.
    Jaya
     
  7. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    54
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: in-laws driving me crazy. I have lost all hopes of being happy in life

    I really admire SS and others to have given very detailed and sympathetic response.
    However I belong to second school of thought. As per me, we should do our duty towards parents and In-laws immaterial of their beahviour towards us.

    With that stand I also understand, for some this adjustment may be more difficult than others. I however would try to take mid-way approach than wallowing in age long guilt.
    You and your husband may decide to call them here. There are N no of ways to reduce down friction if someone is willing. To each one of us Life means different things. For some life may be just about counting blessings and forsaking not so blessed possessions. For some it may be being graceful for all flowers and thorns given by life.
    At the end of it, its not other's judgement about us which matters. It all about what our conscious judges us.

    Ria
     
  8. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,431
    Likes Received:
    2,180
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Female
    Re: in-laws driving me crazy. I have lost all hopes of being happy in life

    I am with you Ria.. Whatever devil they might be... if certain things can be compromised and adjustable.. as younger generation, we should always do that. remember what you sow is what you reap.. would you be happy if your son is pulled away from you when you are old and his wife is giving some lame excuses to stay with them? or even better if your parents are treated that way by your sister in law and your brother doesnt have no voice to do something?

    Its always easy to see others fault and blame it on them.. but for one second, imagine you in that situation and how would you take it if someone is handling you like that? not everyone are perfect.. but we have our duty dont we?

    I understand that uneducated people might have their own outlook in life.. but please remember its them who bought your husband to this level and its because of their hardwork in those years that he and his family is leading whatever life they have now. Don't we have that little gratitude to adjust to some of their immature situations that might come along. there is a proverb, as elders go old, the more childish they become. The more you see them as a child, the less your mind start thinking about logical reasoning.
    There is no point in going to God, praying to him and doing some charity then and there, when at home, we dont give a damn abt the oldies...

    My 2 cents, please don't take it in the wrong sense :) I jsut want to spill out the reality as such with no sugarcoating this time !!!
     
  9. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,499
    Likes Received:
    2,343
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    we were trying to find some practical solution to practical problems but now that nandshyam and ria have decided to have a debate instead let's discuss it further.
    you say we "they brought us up so we should always adjust and compromise to accommodate them", my question is did my parents not bring me up, then why do they have to stay alone. If a DIL is expected to live with and look after her in-laws, why can't a man do the same.

    Do you think man and woman do not and should not have equal rights in India?

    If I want to visit my parents, I have to take permission from my in-laws, how do you justify this?

    Society is changing in India. In earlier days, the tradition of sons and DILs looking after parents was practical because everyone was in the same boat. people used to have as many as 10-12 kids, chances of ending up without any male child were not many, now there are innumerable parents who don't have sons, what should they do?
    Do they not have equal rights as parents with male children? Why do a girl's parents take insults from and fulfill every demand that a boys parents make? beause they are a girl's parents?

    We do have a son and no we don't plan to cling on to him when we are old and if you are then I will very, very strongly suggest that please do not, you might be setting yourself up for a very rude shock. Think about giving always not taking.
     
  10. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,381
    Likes Received:
    48
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    I totally agree with your thoughts on taking care of parents Ria and Nandhu.
    I absolutely think that one must not bat an eyelid to take of parents (whether they are girls or boys parents) keeping in mind that some adjustments, compromises and understanding will be needed to make it work.

    However, I do think that there are cases where even after making adjustments and compromises people just don’t gel well. They are unable to live harmoniously under one roof. And in many of these cases it is difficult to put the onus of this dysfunctional relationship squarely on one person.

    In such cases where due to irreconcilable differences people are constantly at loggerheads or there is constant friction and cold war, I think the focus should be on salvaging the relationship rather than forcing these people to live together and increasing the chances of the relationship reaching breaking point. In my opinion life long and close relationships such as parents, in-laws, siblings must be persevered for the rest of our lives and that too amicably as much as possible. It just so happens that in certain cases to preserve them, some space and distance is needed. The traditional set up just does not work in such cases.

    I feel such an arrangement where both parties recognize their limitations about not being able to stay under one roof yet make efforts to keep the relationship alive and amicable, cannot be classified as one party trying to shrug off their responsibility or trying to ignore their duty. In fact, I see it as a positive where in spite of differences there is consideration and thought to save the relationship from dying a bitter death in the hands of constant friction.

    As for the adjustments and compromises, I think they need to come from both sides regardless of age of the people involved. It does not at all have to be equal adjustments from both parties but it also cannot be all from one and none from the other. Even our Mom and Dad have to many times adjust to our idiosyncrasies once we grow up to be individuals with a personality of our own. So that’s the same with dil and mil too or for that matter any relationship that is this close in nature. As long as both parties are willing to adjust a little bit things can be worked out. Sometimes one will adjust more (usually would/should be the dil because of age factor) and the other less, and that’s fine. But both must feel the need to adjust.

    In the end, if one sees that too much interaction and too much togetherness is going to cause more harm than good to the relationship, I sincerely think it is better to salvage the relationship and let it live by finding an alternate arrangement rather than force the relationship to eventually wither because it could not withstand the constant tension and friction.

    In the end, the individual living that life is the best judge of what will work and what will not. That’s why I suggested Monita my “tool” so that if it appealed to her she could use it to see if it helps her in arriving at decision of her own.

    This is such a vast topic that one path leads to another without an end in sight. So before I get lost in one of those paths, let me just come out of it right at this point!

    SS

     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2008
    1 person likes this.

Share This Page