Non-cooperative and self indulgent spouse

Re: Cold Shouldering spouse

Dear Narik,
I can perfectly understand your depressed state of mind. In fact I am very shocked to read that you have been living like that for 17 long years! That’s too long a time to live like that. No one should ever have to lead such a life. Did you never protest or ask him why he does the things he does? If you did protest, what was his answer?

You have to start by changing yourself. That’s the thing that you have the most control over and that’s the change that will make the biggest difference.

Do you work outside the home? How do you spend your day? What activities do you do? What are your interests and passions? Do you have friends you regularly keep in touch with? How do you and your daughter spend time with each other?

First and foremost, start asserting your role as his wife. Why don’t you know how much money he makes? Why don’t you ever go on your own to do the groceries? Why don’t you have the authority to withdraw money from the bank account? These are very very basic things and I am amazed how anyone cannot be “allowed” to do these. These things are as basic as breathing.

I am not sure what reasons other than fear will keep you from changing all of the above. If you do have solid reasons other than fear and if they can be shared here then do share with us so we can try to help you out. Whatever happened until now you cannot change but don’t let this continue any more.

The other important thing you need to do is to get a life of your own. This is absolutely essential. You are educated and smart. Get yourself engaged in something that you can contribute to daily and that you are responsible for outside the home. It could be a job, a social organization that needs help, a hospital that needs volunteers, a children’s organization that may need your service, a school, anything. And do this on a regular basis. If not everyday, at least 2-3 times a week. Make yourself accountable at places other than just your home. This will help you in many ways - first it will give you a reason to step out of the house, you will start using your talents in other places than just home, it will give you immense self-confidence and if this is a paying job then you will also get some money in return. Similarly, start pursuing your hobbies, join a class that interests you, get-together with friends on a regular basis and enjoy with them. I could list many ideas here but I guess you understand what I am trying to say here. Get yourself a life of your own.

The other very important thing you should start doing in parallel with the above is being unavailable for your husband some of the times. If you are always craving and waiting for his company even when he does not care, then yes, you have given him way too much importance than what he deserves and you have given him control of your life. So he is driving your life as per how he pleases. Put an immediate stop to this. Some evenings when your husband comes home, just don’t be there. Tell him you will be busy with so and so thing and let him come to an empty house. Do this regularly. Some evenings don’t inform him before hand. Just don’t be there and let him call you up and find out where you are.

Also, you have a grown up daughter, do fun things with her. Go on a day’s trip together, go shopping with her, watch a movie together etc.

Basically do everything in your power to get a firm grip on where your life is going. Only you have the power to change things for yourself. If, inspite of hurting and enduring the pain you cannot gather the courage to do something about it then why do you expect anyone else will do it for you? They are not the ones in pain.

I know all of this is going to sound an impossible task for you right now because you have been the exact opposite of what I am asking you to be. Don’t let fear drive your life. Think about what will you lose if you change. If you ask me, I think by changing you have only things to gain. Your husband is already ignoring you and leading his own life. Can it really get any worse?

So, take charge of your life. Without fighting or arguing with your husband just start showing the change in your actions. Of course your husband will put up a strong resistance to this change in every step of the way. But be smart, calm and resolute.

Narik, whether it is a man or a woman, we all are responsible for our own life. If we let others take charge of it then we have only ourselves to blame. There is absolutely no reason for you to live this kind of a life. And don’t even think about ending your life for a person like your husband. No way! Instead make a resolution for this New Year - to make your life so happy that your husband starts getting jealous of you.

We all have it in us to take on any challenge in life. God has naturally given each and every one of us the strength, wisdom and the intellect that is needed to successfully overcome any challenge in our life. It is just that He has buried these powerful qualities deep within us. We just have to dig a little deeper into our own self to unearth these. Once you unearth them, no one can stop you from achieving what you have set out to get.

So dare to explore the beautiful world around you.

Wish you the very best.

SS

 

Re: Cold Shouldering spouse

I am so happy that SS has already replied to it. I was typing this before I saw SS's reply. So you may find some overlapping point . We do think alike about assertvieness in marriage.

Narik,
Its rather testing situation for you. But I am too confident that you can pull it through. Since you are strong enough to go through this for 17 long years, you are definitely strong enough to bring this change too.

few questions first
- Any reason you havent tried to work again?
- Do you know driving?
- Why does he not trust you with money? Has there been any money argunments in beginning ?
- How is he with his parents?
- What kind of friend circle you have after so many years living in same place?

My first opinion would be, Your husband is controlling and non co-operative, because you have let it happen. Since it s been 17 years. You need to take changes and its implementations slowly. On thing at a time.

-Dont beg, request or anything. Learn to demand for your right and grab it whenever you see the opportunity

-Sit with him and discuss why he doesnot entrust you with money for household expenses. Having known you for 17 years, what are his fears for giving you money? No emotional appeal, just plain objective questions to him. Make it a point to sound composed , balanced and not-emotional. Clearly mention you are investing your youth in this relation and you also have some personal needs which should be attended to.

-If you have female friends circle, start going out with them once in a while. If you dont have any,, its hight time you take actions to build new friends. First point to start will be your neighbours. call them to your house for a casual tea or coffee. Reach out to your community places. Go to parks and gyms. and utilize every chance to reach out to ladies there by. The point is to land few females friends, with whom you can feel lively again.

-About your husband's ways he has grown used to ignoring his wife and treating her like a service provider. Its hard to remould but you will have to keep trying.

-What are the things you love to do? Start doing more of them. For some fun things you dont need anyone's company. Be it dancing , be it writing your diary, be it gardening, Be it painting.. Just let your creative and natural side take its course.

-Start by having few point agenda with him. Dont force all the things at one point. Like for first two weeks plan to have constructive dialogue with him on one topic. Lets say , what fears he has in giving you financial resources.

-Each week , try with one point. Implement it and go forward.

It's your life so its worth it to improve it. Half the time we suffer because we didnt object it and ask for it.
Lets hear your thoughts on it. If you have tried these before what were the roadblocks. What stopped you from asserting your being?

Ria

 

It amazes me how many times I've heard the same story like yours many times from friends and acquaintaces. You've given up half of your life serving, nurturing, providing and giving up everything you have for this man. You need to stop now. Right now. First and foremost what have been keeping you in this relationship for so long and why did you put up with his behavior? I will tell you the truth that is because you have no self-confidence, self-esteem, self-respect or any values for yourself. This man has robbed your soul. Because if you were raised with respect and have respect for yourself, you will never ever let anyone treat you as a doormat or disrespect you like such.

My advice for you is to get a divorce. You have been married to this man for 17 years sacrified your youth to serve this man who treat you like trash but you don't have to do it any longer. Move out, get a job, breath the fresh air outside that God has created for you. You deserve a much better life, your life will be so much better without him. You said in your post that you are educated then you should be able to get a job even with a low salary trust me it will be better for you and especially your daughter.

Ask youself, what kind of life do you want for your daughter to have would you want her to marry somebody just like your husband and I will tell you that there's a very high chance because that's what she sees from her parents and she will mirror that. She will pick a man just like her dad and she will become you. Please do not do this to your daughter. You both deservce a much better life than what your husband has been providing to you. He's a very selfish man. You have our support please come back with your updates...

 

Ria has given a very precious suggestion. You can try your and implement as many as possible. I just have a question. U were a working women before and now? Why don't you try getting a job again, i am sure your daughter can manage herself now. I am not sure what state you are in. But my guess is being alone at home for longer periods doing only physical jobs you are engaging your mind with un-necessary thoughts. Yes, you are in urgent requirement for a Job and you have to do it. Remember you are not going to a job to earn money but to regain your confidence to live with happy thoughts.

After 17 years , i am sure you will be aware of how to convince your hubby to allow you go to a job. So start applying for jobs and start your project of convincing your hubby.

ALL THE BEST

Regards
Sri

 

I am living in a same situation for the past 4 yrs. I have a toddler boy who is watching his dad abusing (all possible ways....) his mom everyday. I do not have any access to his money. He has provided me with a credit card. I use them for everything I buy for home. I asked him money to send home for my dad's funeral. I was not even given that. So, I know this man is not willing to spend a dime for me. I try to meet people by socializing but he is trying to control it too. I would need help too! I can drive, I am educated and desperate to go out and make money for my little one.

This man seem to have a split personality. If he wants he will become an angel and fall at my feet. If he doesn't he turns out to be a beast.

I guess most of the ASIAN men are like this I guess.

 

Hi,

First and foremost...get urself involved in something that you like to do. It can be anything, reading, writing, painting, cooking etc..With ur background I dont think he will allow u to get into hobby classes n spend money over there...instead u can start from home itself...think hard...over the years we tend to ignore ourself while taking care of the family...think about urself for a change...what is it that you liked to do as a child...some hobby that you could not pursue for lack of time...everbody has one...u just need to know what it is...n only u will be able to know what it is...Creative crafts...start wiht things u can get at home..recycling old stuff..show off ur creations..keep urself well groomed..ur hubby will notice the change in u. IL is a good forum where u can learn new ideas. The more u think of urself as a martyr..the more depressed u will be...change ur thought pattern n make it into one that can manage anything that life has to offer her and still emerge a winner.

There are many cases where the husband doesnt keep money at home even for emergency cases...narrate an imaginary incident...say a friend of friend had an issue...some emergency happened while she was out..no buses/bus strike..had money only for bus ticket....and that she wasnt even able to ask for help...she didnt have money and couldnt reach home..and then had to plead for help with passerby...luckily got a good samartian who helped her out...but that wouldnt be the case if she had money at hand..could have taken a cab back home. Make him understand it is necessary to have some cash at hand in case of emergencies.

Sometimes over the years there is a lack of communication in between husband and wife, u have gotten busy with your daughter and ur husband has gotten used to spending his time by himself. This time u take an initiative to minimize this gap....dont nag...but actively participate with him..it will be tough on u to find out extra time for that but try to do that for a while..

Keep a positive attitude that you can change things for the better.

Sorry for the long post..Hope I could be of some help.