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No Romantic Dates, No Honeymoon

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sinorita, Sep 12, 2016.

  1. Sinorita

    Sinorita New IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,
    I got married to a divorcee who was cheated by his wife. She eloped after wedding night as she was in love with another guy. After I heard his story I felt like he deserves a loving wife and convinced my parents. He is a lovely man and we felt connected on our first meet. Marriage is good so far, He is out of all the depression and is in love me with me. I am really happy with him except for his attempts to make me feel special. Like every other woman who dreams about life after marriage I too had dreams about spending some private time with my husband or going out. It has been 9 months now and he hardly makes any attempts. Otherwise he is awesome. Takes care of me, loves me, good physical intimacy .I tried to tell him regarding this and he treated me like "All women are same". They always want husbands stick around them. I felt bad " Am I asking too much?? Doesn't everyone have dreams about their married life? If not honeymoon he he can at-least make an attempt to take me to a resort. But he just doesn't understand how much it means to me when i say private time. He thinks that he spends time with me at home so that's it. All that he did was taking me to a dinner when I insisted. I don't want to nag him constantly on this as he might start feeling annoyed. But this is killing me from inside when I see newly married couples around.:(. I need help to get out of this feeling.

    P.S we live in a joint family.
     
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  2. Suja9

    Suja9 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sinorita,

    You are such a lovely girl to understand your husband's pain and feelings even before marriage. You both share a wonderful bond and please don't break it for small things. Keep negative thoughts out of your mind and please don't compare with other lovey-dovey couples, as you do not know what is behind the exterior. If your husband doesn't take initiative to impress you, then you try doing it. Like aromatic candles, lingerie inside your room... etc. When he understands how it feels to be special, he will surely do it to you. These are my simple suggestions and I hope these won't hurt you. All the Best!!
     
    Sinorita, Anusuya, dc24 and 1 other person like this.
  3. Sinorita

    Sinorita New IL'ite

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    Thank you Suja9 for your support. I did try all these. I made all romantic arrangements for his bday, bought him gifts. I did all that I can to make him feel special. I understand he was hurt so I pamper him a lot and make sure he feels loved but I don't know if I'm selfish or maybe its due to my expectations that I am actually expecting something in return. I bought lingerie and stuff expecting a honeymoon and was disappointed. I don't say that I did a huge favor by marrying him when i had lot of options. But its a huge sacrifice and risk that I took for him. Is it wrong to expect a newly wed life ??? After a long wait of 9 months I vented and told him what i was going through. He took it so casually. He kept saying " Fine I will fulfill all your dreams" and is normal. No attempts. I want him to do through love not just coz I like those things. I cant say anything to him because if I just keep this situation aside we share a lovely bond. He respects me for choosing him when the whole world were under an idea he is never gonna get married and stuff. Divorce killed him and he went through a lot before I came.
     
  4. Suja9

    Suja9 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sinorita,
    I can understand what you feel because my husband is also not romantic. But he genuinely cares for me and I think that is very important for being married to the person. It is not wrong about your expectations. But I think couples do all lovey-dovey things for few months, then they become different. But you have a trustful, loving and respectful relationship. All these make a long marriage. Might be your husband has some inhibitions or he might have thought he has the whole life with you to fulfill your dreams. You have a pure white sheet, please ignore the small black dot in it.
     
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  5. Sinorita

    Sinorita New IL'ite

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    Thank you Suja for your emotional support.. I will work on this :)
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2016
  6. Suja9

    Suja9 Silver IL'ite

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    Wow.. This is my first reply to a post. I have remained silent participant for so long. Thanks :)
     
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  7. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    It is nice to know that you both share a good bond. Like all others said,don't spoil this lasting happiness for momentary joy. Before my marriage, me and my DH used to be very enthusiastic about going to honeymoon and travelling to places. But after we got married, both of us felt like we have an entire lifetime in front of us to actually go out and explore. It took us three months to actually go to honeymoon. Your DH could be a person like this.

    But I completely understand your need for privacy given the fact that it is a joint family and also you haven't travelled in 9 months. Just let him know how life will change after kids are born and that you may get less time and less opportunities to travel with kids. So tell him logically about the pros of travelling together in this phase. If he still says we will see,you take the initiative. Find out about his holidays and try booking tickets and rooms by yourself but with his consent.Maybe if you handle these stuff, he may find the burden less.
     
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  8. dc24

    dc24 Gold IL'ite

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    @Sinorita
    Sweetheart...please count you're blessings...you are fortunate to have a loving husband. Even my husband is not a romantic one but is very loving...caring..responsible person. Whenever I'm not well...he does all the cooking and doesn't allow me to enter the kitchen. He's an amazing father to our kids too...So I can understand your feelings but would also like you to appreciate your good fortune and thank God for giving you an understanding husband.
     
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  9. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    So now your anniversary would be coming up. Why not book at least a weekend getaway yourself? Tell his folks you are planning to surprise him and book some time away.

    Don't ask him to take you. Look for offers yourself. Then without nagging, show it to him. Get your ILs on your side - they could suggest to him that you both went somewhere by yourselves...

    His past doesn't define him. You don't have to treat him with kid gloves bevause of that. He has a great wife and life is sorted. Tell him it is your wish to travel with him. Initially when we were married, my husband used the stupid "all women are the same" line a few times I would joke - rascal! You never told me you knew all the women in the world. Or yeah! We are the same. Are you sad you didn't marry a man instead? Or and all you men are the same - nor a romantic bone in your body.

    So tease and cajole him.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2016
  10. monkatpeace87

    monkatpeace87 Silver IL'ite

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    hi,
    firstly I would like to appreciate you for not judging your husband since he is a divorcee and marrying him for who he is. In a country like India, it gets very difficult for divorced people to find a good partner.

    now coming to your problem, that you don't feel special and loved. I think that we have these wrong notion that "happily married forever" which is propagated by Bollywood films. in real life, things don't work that way.
    I was also going to suggest what @Suja9 suggested that if he is not romantic on his end, why don't you try to be romantic but I read from your post that you have tried it too. but I would like to add little to this. I think when you have tried all this romantic gesture, you had this expectation that your husband should also reciprocate. the point is in love you do things with zero expectations. please don't expect him to reciprocate the gesture.
    people have different definitions of being romantic, for you, it may be a candle light dinner but for him, it may be just taking care of you. it's just different perspective. and I read somewhere in your post that he holds immense respect for you, so I would think you are one of the lucky ones .
    now the spending quality time with one another. its simple, just take charge. this is the 21st century and if you want something, beg, plead or steal, as they say, everything is fair in love and war. you can book a holiday for two of you, go to long night drives( husband would say I am tired and no mood to drive, instead of sulking learn how to drive and then go for a drive). you get the gist right ??
    lastly, I would say cherish would you have, what you have is unique and nobody in the world has it and if you get depressed on seeing those romantic gestures of your friends on facebook , just remember what they are showing you is just an illusion, the real picture is always hidden.

    cheers
     
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