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"no One Should Change After Marriage" Guy.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sneha1985, Nov 17, 2020.

  1. chanchitra

    chanchitra Silver IL'ite

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    I am not diagnosing him . I haven't thrown the word lightly.
     
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  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:”whether marry or not. After forty one repents” so goes the dictum.
    Many know this and prefer to repent after marry-age.
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2020 at 12:23 PM
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  3. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:As a bachelor, during my stay in a two seater in lodge ,a raw graduate from rural south India turned up as my room mate.

    I was impressed with his orthodox habits. He was regular in performing morning evening oblations: taking bath morning and after return from office, chanting Sahasranamam, sporting a tuft of hair and ash paste in three parallel stripes on forehead and so on so forth. His presence gave me an added comfort in my stay in the lodge.

    After few months he announced to his friends in lodge that he got engaged and shortly marry a urban girl from a nearby city. Then he left the lodge never to return.

    After a few months with his beloved spouse I happen to meet at facade of Taj Hotel in monsoon rains. He was completely a changed man, turned very modern, spoke accented English and tamil, seemingly wearing a cosmopolitan outlook. I saw his palm gripping a packet of 555. His spouse too appeared befitting.

    When I asked him how come he a changed sophisticated man. He just answered “ask my love Vedha here” with a gesture winking at his spouse hand pointing at her heart!

    I trust OP would like to mull over this with other possibilities that my fellow members suggested already in this thread.

    Incredible are the beliefs, ways of people or and The Lord.

    With best wishes
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2020 at 12:22 PM
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  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Silver IL'ite

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    I would encourage shoppers to buy cards to celebrate the saint for personal training. Saint Patrick is the patron for personal training.
    I was lucky to get a good personal trainer, and was retrained without much pain. Or ..if there'd been any pain, I don't remember that. Eventually I don't even remember if I had my own personality.
    It is tougher on the trainer when the trainee is older, and set in his ways. For the desi girls in the west, it is probably best to focus on (1) making and investing a lot of money to secure their financial independence (2) take a lesson from Priyanka C., and marry someone young, (preferably wealthy, if they can manage that), to collaborate with them on baby projects.(3) Avoid people who speak one's own desi vernacular language, if not able to avoid desi's altogether.
    And one should avoid this sort of example. No need to recruit a hick and take on the challenge of civilizing that. Nothing can be more horrible than that.
     
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  5. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    im posting this after it seems like you have rejected him? I am wondering if you are planning to date to determine compatibility or evaluate through the arranged methodology and get committed fast.

    As someone who has been burned, I advise you to date. The initial questions might seem like red flags, but you both might face different definitions for the same terminology. For example, I value being in a LTR (long term relationship), my potential suitor wasn’t sure if he wanted a LTR because in his definition, it is an eventuality of marriage - which he was not ready for. Now, it would appear like we are incompatible- but after learning more about each other and quirks, we actually want the same thing. Our traumas from previous relationships could have affected our actual words.

    Regarding not changing after marriage- I can understand his fears. Marriage and life brings change, so he will not escape change whether he marries or not. but I think what he means that he doesn’t want someone to try to change the type of person he is - or set an unrealistic expectation for him to fulfil. He wants his partner’s acceptance. It’s hell to live with someone who wants to change you (I know from experience and that’s why it failed).

    considering the number of failed relationships due the family involvement, the suitor has a valid concern about your daily calls with your parents . He might have seen that felt it was a red flag. And his explanation is dead on- my parents involvement in my marriage played a huge role in its demise. Couples need to learn to work with each other as partners instead of depending on an outsider to solve problems.
     
  6. Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa Silver IL'ite

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    It’s rather difficult to know anybody within such a short time.

    No one will be able to lead a life without changing whether they marry or not. That’s life. He was just stressing his point that he wouldn’t like you to change him drastically. I have seen many people who had told exactly like him only to change a lot after marriage. Life comes with many troubles and one cannot be too rigid to sail in it smoothly. You have already told about adjustments and kids. He telling that with kids he might change but couple themselves shouldn’t change? To be honest I have never come across any couple who hadn’t compromised to change their behaviour and lifestyle after kids. Family involves changes which many don’t even realise as it becomes part of their life. If anyone asked me whether I am the same as before marriage I can assure them that I am not. Same goes to husband. He reiterating that he won’t change shows kind of being bit apprehensive to compromise. Maybe his experience in his circle made him stress this point. I wouldn’t give much weightage on this condition alone as it’s going to change whether he likes or not. That’s just life.

    Few things which I would have concerns. I am concerned about him saying that he stayed in ? same room with a female friend in a hotel. If he indeed is true that sure isn’t what I accept. I am not sure about you but that’s a switch off for me. when a guy tells like that I would be put off. Whether it’s the norm in that country or not doesn’t matter; it boils down to whether I can accept such behaviour with a prospective groom. This is my way of upbringing and I would expect the same from the guy as well.

    Then you talking with your parents is none of his concern as long as it’s not intruding your private marital life. However if the guy says exactly the same that he would be talking daily to his parents you should be in a position to accept that as well. In one aspect he is right though; never bring your marital problems to either side of the family. That’s important. You could be open by saying that your private communication with your parents wouldn’t be involving your marital problems.

    His brother being married already is the least of your problems. Whatever his family does is not your problem unless it’s going to affect your private life.

    Few things you need to note when searching for groom. Be flexible with regards to the choice of occupations. Both being in the same field of work doesn’t mean they will be compatible.

    Try to focus on things which are essential for life. Is he to be trusted and is he going to be faithful to you? Can you trust this guy to jump into a life long journey and is he committed for this? Can this guy be able to support you in case you take a break in your career for family? Is the guy going to help you with your household chores and that includes cooking, house keeping and helping with kids? This last one might seem trivial now but trust me it plays an important role for women who are overseas. I have seen this in many couples who had gone overseas. Last but not the least, if you find that a guy is too close to his family be a bit more careful to explore their family. Most of the time it’s the family which breaks most marriages rather than the problems between the couples themselves.

    Check these important things before proceeding with your marriage.
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2020 at 4:59 PM
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  7. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    What dating sites you normally use? I have read a lot about dating and it seems it's difficult to find serious guys over there too. Read about experiences were people are not serious even after dating for a year. For me it's difficult to find anyone via work or friends hence I am into this matrimony sites even though I hate it because of the experiences I have had so far.
     
  8. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes he said he is ready to change for kids but not for couple themselves.
     
  9. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    All - I purposely delayed the response since I was waiting to check if incase he calls. It's been a week and he talked to me just once compared to everyday that he used to talk before. He was active on matrimony site all these days. Also he only talked about his work related things for 1.5 hours and he again asked me to prepare for interview together for which I politely denied.. Even I wanted to keep the call on lighter side that day so I didn't talk about marriage related things. But I then politely said maybe we should move the discussion next time back to shaadi.com instead of being tech buddies.

    He sent a low-key message yesterday saying 'Hello' and nothing else after that. I tried continuing the conversation asking couple of general questions via message, but he didn't seem much interested.. wasn't asking any questions, nor did he call me after that yesterday or today too.

    I feel like being strung along and don't see this going anywhere. I was thinking to discuss with him if he is interested in talking further or meeting if he had called me yesterday or today and that would have given me an idea of how serious he is about this.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2020 at 8:16 AM

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