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"no One Should Change After Marriage" Guy.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sneha1985, Nov 17, 2020.

  1. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    Hello, you ladies have always provided suggestions which have helped me a lot when I am confused about a guy. I have been talking to one guy right now and some of his talks confuses me or looks like red flags to me sometimes. Sorry for the long post... I am posting it in bullet points down below:

    - Have talked over phone 4 times till now. Out of that 2 times he said he doesn't expect anyone to change after marriage and nor should any girl ask him to change. First time I agreed with it, but 2nd time when he kept repeating it, I said that we sometimes need to make adjustments or compromises for our partner and if he is considering that as a change. I said even if I don't specifically ask him, there will be some changes in life after we have kids. He said for kids it's fine since kids would be the priority, but between 2 of us, we shouldn't have to change.

    - He doesn't cook which is fine with me since I can cook. He mainly eats 2 meals one is light brunch and gets something healthy for dinner from outside mostly like salads or some Americanized veggie light food. Now I would have completely neglected this thinking things will change after marriage, but when I try to match it with above listed bullet i.e. he doesn't want to change. So I asked if he is willing to continue his diet as such since I eat home cooked food 3 times a day. I asked him twice and both times he said he is ok with eating 3 times and then he mentioned there is nothing wrong in eating the way he is eating. I feel such small things could become a problem in future.. Again am not married so asking if such small things can turn into big problems after marriage?

    - He has 2 younger brothers and one of them who is a year younger to him is married. I thought it could be that this guy is not finding a match and his brother was in love and hence got married, but he said it was an arrange marriage. I don't ask all questions at once and am trying to find a best way to ask why his younger brother was married first. I am ready to let go of this and never ask him about it since if he is a great guy it really doesn't matter to me, but I have had experiences in past where families were trying to hide a lot of things which would come out later. Also I noticed he doesn't talk much about his family. If I ask him questions he tries to finish it in as short as possible, so I have to ask specific questions to him.

    - I have talked to many guys who has female friends and I myself have guys friends, but in his case couple of his relationship with his female friends sounded weird to me. He said one of his female friend had to visit India for few weeks so she called him home, cooked and served him dinner and asked him a favor to water her plants and test drive her car few times a week while she is gone. She said she only trusts him for this matter of letting someone enter her apt. He lives few mins away from her place, but goes there and does what she asked for. One of her pots was cracked and it leaked the water which entered her living room and he cleaned it up. He said her another female friend visited the city, called him up and asked if he wants to join her for Vegas trip since she has some points accumulated and is getting free stay at the hotel. He was trying to say they shared a room and then he stopped. I am living in US for 10+ years and have never asked anyone for such favors so I felt it a bit weird, but maybe it's pretty common out there.

    - One of the calls he asked how frequent I talk to my extended family and how frequently I talk to my parents. He sounded shocked that I call and check on my parents everyday. Next call he said if there are any problems between a couple it should stay between 2 people and should not even be shared with parents too. I said I slightly disagree coz family can help to join a broken marriage and he sounded annoyed by that idea. He says he is modern in thinking, his family is orthodox but their views changed after he moved to a bigger city for job.

    - We both are from computer science fields and work in tech companies and planning to interview other companies. He now wants us to prepare for interviews together from next call or so, which I am planning to deny for now as I don't want to mix my matrimony thing and interview prep when we haven't met even once.

    His profile looked good to me, was very polite in initial 2 calls or so. I recently on weekend had to spent night at the airport after dropping off my parents for their flight and my flight was next day morning, he stayed awake overnight with me until I sat in my plane next day morning, so I thought he is kind. But some of his thoughts and behavior are sounding like a red flag to me, so asking for suggestions from you experienced ladies.

    Thanks for reading!
     
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  2. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    - Have talked over phone 4 times till now. Out of that 2 times he said he doesn't expect anyone to change after marriage and nor should any girl ask him to change. First time I agreed with it, but 2nd time when he kept repeating it, I said that we sometimes need to make adjustments or compromises for our partner and if he is considering that as a change. I said even if I don't specifically ask him, there will be some changes in life after we have kids. He said for kids it's fine since kids would be the priority, but between 2 of us, we shouldn't have to change.

    The truth is people change and keep changing with changing phases of life. Marriage indeed is a big uncertain phase that we venture into esp. if it is an arranged marriage.

    You must probably ask him some examples of those "changes" that he perceives as non-negotiable. Try to probe deeper with more questions and try to understand his thought process instead of just few words said. You don't take up the job of interpreting his one liners. Push him into explaining himself.


    - He doesn't cook which is fine with me since I can cook. He mainly eats 2 meals one is light brunch and gets something healthy for dinner from outside mostly like salads or some Americanized veggie light food. Now I would have completely neglected this thinking things will change after marriage, but when I try to match it with above listed bullet i.e. he doesn't want to change. So I asked if he is willing to continue his diet as such since I eat home cooked food 3 times a day. I asked him twice and both times he said he is ok with eating 3 times and then he mentioned there is nothing wrong in eating the way he is eating. I feel such small things could become a problem in future.. Again am not married so asking if such small things can turn into big problems after marriage?

    This is marriage and you are going to be his wife. You are not going to be his cook or nutritionist or a dietician. Now, why discussing who eats how many meals after marriage? Trivial matter!

    - He has 2 younger brothers and one of them who is a year younger to him is married. I thought it could be that this guy is not finding a match and his brother was in love and hence got married, but he said it was an arrange marriage. I don't ask all questions at once and am trying to find a best way to ask why his younger brother was married first. I am ready to let go of this and never ask him about it since if he is a great guy it really doesn't matter to me, but I have had experiences in past where families were trying to hide a lot of things which would come out later. Also I noticed he doesn't talk much about his family. If I ask him questions he tries to finish it in as short as possible, so I have to ask specific questions to him.

    You should ask if you want to know. Yes, if he is a great guy, it really doesn't matter to you. But, if you ask, the way he takes the question and replies to you will speak how great guy he indeed is. Don't "assume" his greatness.

    - I have talked to many guys who has female friends and I myself have guys friends, but in his case couple of his relationship with his female friends sounded weird to me. He said one of his female friend had to visit India for few weeks so she called him home, cooked and served him dinner and asked him a favor to water her plants and test drive her car few times a week while she is gone. She said she only trusts him for this matter of letting someone enter her apt. He lives few mins away from her place, but goes there and does what she asked for. One of her pots was cracked and it leaked the water which entered her living room and he cleaned it up. He said her another female friend visited the city, called him up and asked if he wants to join her for Vegas trip since she has some points accumulated and is getting free stay at the hotel. He was trying to say they shared a room and then he stopped. I am living in US for 10+ years and have never asked anyone for such favors so I felt it a bit weird, but maybe it's pretty common out there.

    Cleaning the apartment and watering her plants doesn't appear to be a big deal. But doing it religiously everyday (even after marriage, because you cannot expect him to change) will surely drive you to nuts after marriage.

    Regarding, stay at a hotel with a female friend .... follow your instincts. They are your best judge for matters such as these. Tactfully slip-in few more questions into conversations so you will have a better picture. Hopefully this is not in his "I won't change" list!


    - One of the calls he asked how frequent I talk to my extended family and how frequently I talk to my parents. He sounded shocked that I call and check on my parents everyday. Next call he said if there are any problems between a couple it should stay between 2 people and should not even be shared with parents too. I said I slightly disagree coz family can help to join a broken marriage and he sounded annoyed by that idea. He says he is modern in thinking, his family is orthodox but their views changed after he moved to a bigger city for job.

    Contrary to your thinking, fights between couple shared with either set of families will only worsen the situation. Hard but good for the couple to keep it between them, that will gradually teach them to listen, understand and deal with each other. Having a trusted friend also helps to an extent.

    - We both are from computer science fields and work in tech companies and planning to interview other companies. He now wants us to prepare for interviews together from next call or so, which I am planning to deny for now as I don't want to mix my matrimony thing and interview prep when we haven't met even once.

    Right choice!

    - His profile looked good to me, was very polite in initial 2 calls or so. I recently on weekend had to spent night at the airport after dropping off my parents for their flight and my flight was next day morning, he stayed awake overnight with me until I sat in my plane next day morning,

    Don't be hasty in taking a decision wither affirmative or negative. Give it more time. Time can answer many questions.

    - so I thought he is kind. But some of his thoughts and behavior are sounding like a red flag to me, so asking for suggestions from you experienced ladies.


    No person is impressive if he is looked through a magnifying glass, neither our own self.

    We learn to change, to endure, to compromise and to mature & grow over a period of time in marriage .... But it all happens in love not even knowing that we did all those. That is the beauty of marriage.

    Wish you find a good match soon.
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2020
    ashima10, Sreevidyaa, SunPa and 5 others like this.
  3. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @Metamorphic for reading my long post and replying to it! I appreciate it. I don't have a sister or anyone close enough who could advice me and help me out. Many people just tell me to stop talking to such guys and then I have hardly left with any options.

    If this guy comes back I will interact with him a few times and will see where it's going. He was rude multiple times during last call and I felt he was passive aggressive while ending the call but did tell he will call me again next day and he never did. Instead he kept going back to Shaadi.com. It's fine if he wants to talk to other girls/is talking to others on the side, but I hope he just lets me know if he is not interested in talking to me further.

    In last call we did come across some differences between us and am not sure if those were dealbreaker for him. Normally I don't usually talk about small things but his attitude of "no one should have to change after marriage" is something got me into it. Also he was asking me very small questions to compare with other girls or even with his lifestyle.. even something like what do I have in purse currently or if I travel with a bag full of items, if I sleep with laptop besides me, if I ever had an American BF and a lot more small questions.

    In our initial call we had talked about mental compatibility being important for me with my partner and he said he too is looking for mental compatibility and also physical compatibility as in 2 people should be presentable to each other. Am not sure if he even meant to get physical before marriage, but I thought I will slowly ask him questions as and when we talked. He had even asked how are my parents reacting to my independent life in US and I said my parents are liberal to a point where they haven't even forced me to get married and won't tell me anything even if I stay single my entire life.

    Last call we were talking about how modern our new Indian generation is and he kept complaining about girls wearing short clothes in public and losing their virginity in young age. He then said it's also bad that our generation was never given that freedom and it's too bad that girls after even after marriage are not able to speak about sexual things to their partner. He said it's shocking people don't even look at the age these days, then covered saying he talking about age differences between 2 people. We got into talking about FWB these days and I mentioned am lucky enough to have good male friends who never asked me for it and he said your guy friends must have thought of it but looking at your obligations they never asked for it. I said my parents were strict about my time with guys when they raised me, but I am free and independent right now.. to which he said your parents were wrong. Then said his parents were orthodox too but things changed after he moved out for work.

    This last topic of anything shouldn't be shared even with parents post marriage was where he got more annoyed. I was just putting forward my views that parents could help in fixing a breaking marriage and we should only for to them if things cannot be sorted out between 2 people. Three times he repeated that a person who have the need to talk to others or who cannot fix their problems is immature.

    This was last and then he said he cannot continue talking as he wants to go sleep, but later was active on Shaadi.com and didn't call next day either. He sounded a complete diff person than when he stayed awake at night while I was at the airport. Such experiences do scare me off and puts me to thinking if this is how it is not, how will life after marriage would be and then I feel I am better off being single.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Going by what you have described, you both are doing your best in finding out about the other person's nature and way of thinking about important things. Helpful suggestions from Metamorphic above. With most questions from your side or from him, it is better to use or ask for examples to dig deeper.
    I wouldn't see this as a showstopper. Even if you both agree that some changes/adjustments are normal after marriage, when it actually comes time to make a change, that particular change might be unacceptable. So, treat what he is saying as his overall view on the matter. The idea/topic is too hazy to get more specific about at this stage.

    Good question. And a cute one. : ) Do such small things turn into big problems? Depends on how they are handled. I would agree with Metamorphic. If he is self-sufficient now, expect that he will take care of his nutrition after marriage. And, as part of being married, slowly some change will take place and common eating habits will form over time.

    In the Indian scenario, a younger sibling getting married earlier and an arranged marriage, it's a fair enough question to ask why it is so. Ask casually. Maybe, ask him how it feels to have a younger sibling get married before you get married. Or, say that such an experience is gentler on men than on women. Or, that in the past it used to be a big deal, not any more.

    He is being open about these things. In just 4 calls, you know all this. Given that and the airport stayed awake on phone thing, looks like he is stating things as they are. Maybe he is sharing these to indirectly gauge your opinion on these things.

    If your parents are doing OK health-wise and no other significant problems, a daily call can sound too much to some people. Nothing wrong with it, but for him a daily call to parents and your opinion that parents can help with a couple's problems could be a huge red flag.

    Being frank here: if I had a younger cousin or a nephew talking to a woman, and she said that she calls parents daily and that parents can help the married couple with problems, I would tell him to tread slow. Reason is that I have seen quite a few marriages ruined due to the woman's or man's parents meddling. Saddest thing being that even well after the marriage ended, the parents thought that their meddling was wisdom/experience/helpful advice.

    Awww. : )
     
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  5. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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  6. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @Rihana for going thru my post and for your reply! :)

    Yes, I understand me talking to my parents daily could be a red flag for some families, but I do have some responsibilities towards my parents too... supporting them both emotionally and bit of financially too if needed. My dad does have some prior medical conditions (which he doesn't know about yet, we haven't discussed about our parents yet) and them being in their old age, I make sure to check up on them on daily basis. He said even he visits India every year for a month so he can spend time with his old parents. Yes talking everyday could be too much and he might have not liked the idea of parents could help fix married couples problems, but am not sure if calling someone 'immature' 3 times just for that was right too.

    Yes him being polite and being on call with me overnight while at airport was awwww and after coming back I thought it is going in a positive direction until I experienced his last call and the way he ended it. He always wanted to extend the call and talk more, but that evening after calling immature, he said he wants to go sleep. I asked if he wants to continue for 5 more mins, he denied and said he will call me next day, but I didn't heard from him after that. If he calls again, will see how it goes. :)
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Op, he is right on a few aspects.
    Marriage is about acceptance. We will be happy and comfortable if we can remain who we are. We can't change to another person after marriage. We can't change our core personality as we are adults.

    Yeah.we need to adjust,compromise etc after marriage..but that's within limits

    Second, you can call your parents every day. Thats your choice, he should not ask you to stop it.

    But he is right in saying, a married couple should not discuss their marriage or related issues with parents or anyone else. Its your privacy. All problems should be discussed and solved by both of you. If you have serious issue like abuse/ema .etc...talking to parents is the last resort.

    Dont act like his mother so soon. He is self sufficient let him continue like that. Dont try to change and take up that job so soon : -). He needs a partner not a mother.

    What you need to discuss is your boundary

    Are you ready to be treated like an option instead of priority. Are you comfortable if he continue his contacts with ex's... where is the healthy boundary for friends. How important is faithfulness in your marriage....what addictions...topic related that

    What are your professional choices...will you take a break or want to be a working woman. Be firm with your career choices.

    Do you like to start a family soon? What about finamces.. are you ready to hand over your salary to him or contribute with your own account or have a joint account..

    I mentioned a few. But write down, your needs and boundaries...what you can live with or live without.

    Seeing a person at this stage is like attending an interview. Do it professionally. Dont give your heart too soon or commit too soon till you are too sure about the person.

    When you talk to him, listen carefully. He is open, but at the same time, he is testing waters. So you need to convey what you can accept or not. Think really well.
    If he is interested in you, he will contact you. Try to meet and talk, than going on for ever on phone and chats..

    Even after all these if your gut feeling says no, dont proceed. Only you can decide what you want. Its your life, your choices
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2020 at 3:57 AM
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  8. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Silver IL'ite

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    @sneha1985 "Change we can believe in" was a campaign slogan from 2008 elections. Change happens, and finding a marriage partner is to manage the change together. People spending time on shadi.com, on the phone all night, and yet saying that they want things to stay the same and not change, don't really understand/mean what they are saying. But then, boys will say all manner of idiotic things.
     
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  9. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for your reply! :)

    I told him exactly similar thing that talking to parents should be last resort if 2 people cannot solve it. I never said it's ok for people to share everything with their family, but he still called me immature indirectly. He said even if 2 people cannot get along and go for a divorce, still families should not be involved and should have no idea of details even after divorce.

    My assumption is he got annoyed at sharing couples issues with family if needed, but he was also a little annoyed when we were talking about how strict my parents were in past while I was growing up when it comes to my relationship with guys.

    I wasn't trying to be his mom :) As I said in previous post, I was just trying to understand his "no change after marriage" as part of the diet differences. Probably it was not the right way to do it. I even cleared out that I won't be the one specifically as him to change, but I have seen people making adjustments or compromises after marriage for certain circumstances or to grow together in marriage. And for that as well he said it shouldn't be needed. His idea to change was only for kids. One more thing he said was never walk into marriage with expectations and never expect love since there is no love after marriage... While I do agree that some of it is right, but it also makes me worried if I can even expect love from him or not. Or if he is just getting married for the sake of getting married or for his parents. He even said that Indian society should be ok and should not question if anyone wants to be single as that's the only right way to live.

    We do talk about important things too like my job and residing in US or India, whether we prefer grand or simple wedding... but I like to do it slowly while getting to know a person. I don't like to make it an interview.

    If he is interested and talks nicely, we will see if we can meet any of these holidays. We live 5 hours apart and can meet in between, but he wants me to visit his city first.
     
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  10. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    Seriously... I am actually worried about a situation after marriage where we have to make changes for something and he will be like "I already told you I won't change". He has told me something similar before when he was on phone with me whole night. I was buying coffee at the airport and he told me I should try the coffee in a diff way and told me to let the person at counter know to make few changes in my order. I jokingly told him if I can hand over the phone to person at counter and he can order it for me and he can also give his card number for payment (I repeated him that I am joking). He said he will order but since I am independent, living by myself and can use my money everywhere, he won't pay for me.

    He literally doesn't do anything other than working, going out to get his dinner and eat it and then login into shaadi.com multiple times a day to find girls to talk to and then spends evening talking to them, so I can understand he wants his life to remain the same. He clearly told me the way he is living is less complicated and he wants to live like that.
     
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