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No one knows except me!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sunny3, Jan 4, 2010.

  1. Sunny3

    Sunny3 New IL'ite

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    I have been a silent reader of this forum since long. There is something I want to bring up here. Believe me I have not told anyone not even my mom about this. This is my past....read on and forgive me if it is too long.

    We were a family of 3 kids and used to visit our relatives every summer vacation. I was 9yrs old and we were at grandparents house. I had lot of cousins. This cousin of mine was 12 yrs older to me. He was 21 at that time. My mom and dad are not very orthodox neither too modern. Mom never talked to me earlier about taking care of body,periods or any such related stuff. We kind of grew knowing things along the way no knowledge beforehand.
    That afternoon this cousin and his parents were also at my grandparents place. His mom and my dad are siblings. Now, I don't recollect the reason but grandfather asked him to go their house and he asked if I wanted to go with him. I was very innocent child as any child of 9yrs. He told me they got new fridge and if I wanted to see that. I said yes and followed him. My mom never even stopped me. I wish she did. How could she allow me to go with him alone? When we reached their place he first asked me to get in and gave some water from the fridge. We did not have one so it was new for me and I was looking and admiring it when suddenly he lifted me and took me in his lap. He ran his hand all over me and touched private parts. I knew instinctively that it was wrong but did not know what to do. After that we went back to grandparents house. This kept haunting me and it still does. The next incident is after about 3 yrs when I was 12.
    I was a medium built child and started developing breasts at 12 or 13 which was early considering my other cousins who were very skinny. One night we were in his house visiting them and in the middle of the night I could feel hand inside my blouse. I was startled and quickly pulled the sheets up and he immediately removed his hand. My sleep was gone and I was feeling nervous and looked very slowly to see him sleeping right next to me. I was sweating but could not do anything. I did not even shout !!! He immediately jumped out and went away. I don't know how long he was there and what else he did. We went out for picnic that afternoon and so I was damn tired and did not realize till the hand reached my chest....I guess!!
    I felt so ashamed of myself. I did not even tell my mom...not to this day. I am 35 now married and have kids. Dh also does not know. None in this world except me and now I feel like penning this here. That cousin of mine is also married and has kids. I sometimes pray something worst should happen to him. I curse him in my mind when these thoughts haunt me. I am leading a happy married life other than these occasional thoughts that haunt me and make me feel sad.

    Do I need to tell my dh about all that happened?
    Do I need to call up that cousin and tell him and confront him?
    Will that help me? Will that affect my kid's future?

    My mom and dad never ever bothered where we went and with whom when we were with relatives.

    Were they naive or irresponsible?

    Mom never talked about puberty and taking care during periods. Parents never restricted us mingling with boys during school and college days.

    Were they modern in thinking or irresponsible parents?

    Thankfully we did not get ourselves involved in drugs and alcohol and other forbidden things. But with the freedom we had what if we got into any of those? Why did they not check us? Is that called trusting us or not caring for us? I had a bunch of friends both boys and girls and parents never bothered to know where they all lived.

    Ladies, please analyse my case and help me with my queries.

    Sunitha
     
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  2. niruvasu

    niruvasu New IL'ite

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    Hi sunitha,

    There are many girls like you who suffer but cant express that at all.Dont worry just forget the past and then start a new life with your husband ,dont dig any past thoughts and never let your hubby know about it because it might bring some bad impression on you.
    just forget the future and make sure your children don't face the same problems in future.
     
  3. maggi99

    maggi99 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Sunny,

    Its unfortunate, few men are cruel and monsters. These thought wd hav been haunting you now and then from that little age... god.

    Now that you had burried all these thoughts in your all these yrs, please dont dig a grave for yourself by telling it to your DH. You never know how men might change and become sensitive in certain situations. There are two chances, he might feel bad for u and become affectionate worst case would be, he informing your parents and saying that this cousin is like this and not to giv any respect to him kind of...

    One big unwanted unforseen drama might start off... (worst case)

    Some things are better when unsaid / not revealed. Huggs to you...

    Abt yr parents, i cud say they jst trusted you, believed that their DD wdnt make any mistake.

    Then abt not keeping u aware of puberty... well many parents were/are like that i cud say. I too never knew anything till i got mine nor did my mom say how to take care of myself during those days. I was too shyi kid to discuss with friends. Mom is from a metro city and knows the world studied till 12th but she never thought that it was important.... Well to say my mom is the same even now during my late 20s.

    I could say your parents werent communicative / didnt know to befriend their daughter. Just knew their routine life amidst the struggle of managing house and earning.
     
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sunitha

    What is the point now in trying to figure out who has to be blamed, father/mother. Whether that guy needs any punishment/not.

    Good thing is that you found this forum where you can get this worst thing off your mind and heart. Now that you have penned down and shared it here, STOP analyzing it and trying to find out solutions for what happened during your childhood.I totally understand your emotions but sometimes moving on in life is better for everyone.

    Atleast now you know what kind of information you need to share with your kids.so do your best for your kids and forget and move on.sharing such information at this stage of your marital life would make things more complicated and who knows what turn your life may take/ who knows how your husband would react to all this? What happened at that age was not your fault so why bring up this topic at all???
     
  5. Mallie

    Mallie Senior IL'ite

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    Hai Sunny

    It is very sad how such monsters can go scott free when the victim is traumatised all these years. I would suggest you that just imagine that was one big bad dream, which I guess is difficult, but that could be the best solution for you. Digging up the past will pave ways to newer problems

    About your parents...don't develop the ill feeling towards them. They did not send you with a stranger. They were just naive and trusting. And whenever you meet that cousin just try your best to be normal. One day or the other his consiousness will ask him questions.

    Also try as much as possible that you take of this incident from your mind. You can divert your mind in learning new skills and other things. Develop a happy niche for yourself. Have a good dear.
     
  6. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Sunitha,

    I too had experienced the same thing at almost the same age when my cousin around 20 or so came to live at our place for months for some studies of his.
    Yes it did keep pinching me too and my parents have always been very strict ...not orthodox bt overprotective so that too was one reason that I didnt feel comfortable sharing this with them as I knew they might or might not be in a position to put this up to cousins parents thinking that me, they or their relation would get insulted...and I knew that that would mean more and more of restrictions on us sisters whenever we ould be at family get togethers.

    But SUnnitha... I would too like others suggest to just vomit out your feelings here and feel ligt and forget about it. There's nothing to trouble yourself. See one aspect is that this is mnatural for men at that age....As many other men related posts on this forum...I realised this being physically or sexually too curious is normal for most men at that age but yes self control is whats needed...so dont blame anyone...he was wrong being an dult...in my case too but still these are some relations you cannot end up with and better not disclose either...so just be calm...and whenever you face him just stay cool and pretend you do not remember or realise anything as you were too young. Let it be to yourself that you remember...and leave it apart...Look into the more beautiful things in your life :)
     
  7. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    i know its hard to digest such things
    but what can you do now
    at that tiem when it happened you could have told your mom or someone so that 2nd and 3rd incidents would not happen
    your parents are not irresponsible anyone would appreciate kids playing with relatives and being with them
    now you are happy that guy is happy in marriage
    why do you want to say your dh and spoil the harmony or get pity from soemone?
    or why do you want to confront him which he could have forgot by now?
    in life god gave us one good gift called forgetting somethings are good to forget.
    in india people who travel in buses know this happens on daily basis either fight for it then and there or keep quite thats the choice then after 20 years if i say it no one can help us
     
  8. scorpiogal

    scorpiogal Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Sunny3

    There are lot of girls who go through the child molastation and most of it is from the family .

    Think of it as a bad dream .Don't share it with your DH or anybody in the family .

    I know how it irritates when yiu think about it .Our parents were not irreresponsible but I think they might have not expected these to come out of the family .I have had the same experience by a very close family memember too who was as old as my Dad .He calls me a daughter all the time and behaved differently .Thank God same instincts struck me and I escaped .

    I was the same like you not sharing with anyone and I was on my own shell after I got married and after I had the courage during one of India trips had a courage to speak to that GUY alone and I gave a nice talk with all my typical scorpio sarcasm that he will remember all his life.My main reason for confronting him was he was eyening on my sister's DS as she was 8 years old the same way he was approaching me .

    After that I feel so much better now and If your were to ask me he should be the one that should feel bad and not you .

    SO go on with your life .The only thing from then on I decided that I will try to educate and advice my children and be there as friend for them so that they tell me every thing .
     
  9. malligashivaram

    malligashivaram Gold IL'ite

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    HI SUNNY KEEP IT AS YOUR HEADING SAYS NO ONE EXCEPT YOURSELF that was a spine chilling you have experienced as a child parents are too taken in their own affairs that they cannot think that such thing could happens to their daughter at young age. forgive and forget, now that you have unburdened yourself yo your sisters....feel free, i know of many girls going through some type of molestations =i think 25 percent go thought it, only the degree differentiate, don't blame anyone don't keep any grudge in your mind it will keep festering and hurt your mind, please do not reveal to anybody, . keep your children safe and teach other ladies around you about taking care of innocent girls...create an awareness it will give you peace.......god bless you:drowning:)
     
  10. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sunny,

    You have shared some very personal traumas that you went through as a child.

    First of all, I am so sorry that you had such unpleasant incidents when you were only a child. I see that it has left deep scars in your mind. At the same time, I think by the Grace of God, you have come through it and now lead a happy married life with your husband and children.

    The first thing you should do now is to count your blessings and forget the past. You now have your own children and they should be your first priorities. Now it is your turn to be a good parent and teach your children about life and the good and evil of the world. Don't dwell in your past.

    I do hope that cousin of yours has not bothered any other young child. Let's hope that he gets what he deserves and I don't mean anything good!

    Like all others have said here, your parents may not have had an open and friendly talks with you about such evils. But it is possible that they did not even think that they were exposing their children to any evils. They may be simple trusting people. Whatever, you can only learn from what has happened to you and do not repeat their mistakes.

    By sharing your story here with others, you surely have gained in many ways. The pent up burden in your mind will be much lighter now. Others who may have gone through similar incidents will not feel so lonely anymore and it is an eye opener for those who are ignorant of such happenings. This will help them to prepare their young ones for this world which unfortunately shelters many slimy characters.

    Your post has been nominated for the FP forum by Custard and I applaud your willingness to share this with us.

    L, Kamla
     

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