No Luck With Job Search :(

Discussion in 'Working Women' started by anika987, Oct 13, 2020.

  1. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    I wish I could like @SGBV reply multiple times! Very honest reply!

    @anika987 You need to figure out what do you want, not what your PIL/SIL whoever wants. I will focus on two things:

    1. It looks like you and your DH don't discuss your job when you both are calm. To me it appears that you apply without consulting with him, get an interview/offer, and then let him know. At that point, he reacts. You should calmly talk to your husband, come up with a plan (work hours, distance, etc.), and then look for jobs that fit your criteria. If you randomly keep applying for a job 45 minutes away, anyone will be upset.
    Second thing is, apply only if you want to work. SIL/PIL/neighbors etc. should not dictate your decision. This is your and your husband's decision. You have to figure out what, when, and how you want to fulfill your dream.

    2. What if (getting old etc.): The USA is a great place to start a career at any age. If you already have 12 years of gap another few years won't matter. My cousin's family moved on the green card here and she is working now in her 50s. She had never worked in India. If you really want something, you can get it.

    Low/high paying job doesn't matter if you want to work. You have to start from somewhere and not everyone starts from 6-figure. Let me give you a few examples: I have two women scientists in my group. One is from India and her husband has a BA. Initially, he was bored because he didn't have a job. He started working at an Indian restaurant, then worked as a bank teller, and finally found a job at JC Penney during the holidays that he really liked. They liked him a lot and promoted to the manager within a year. He is now a team leader. The second woman is from Iran. Her husband is a professor at my university and she was looking for a job. She volunteered in several labs for 3 years (her husband completely supported her unpaid work and took care of their 6-year-old son when she worked) and eventually I hired her. My cousin is working at the payday loans, she was an hourly worker in the beginning and now in a supervisor role with benefits. One of my students works at Target and they pay $15/hr + leave benefits. One of my friends from graduate school decided to leave her position at the university and bought Kumon franchise. She is much happier running her own business. There is no dearth of jobs, you need to figure out what you want to do and how far you are willing to travel. If money is not an issue and all you need is to build experience, volunteer!

    As @SGBV sai- no job will make you happy unless you are happy! Maybe work on your happiness and confidence first and then look for a job. Unless you have the aright reason to find a job and you are happy with your life, these posts will keep coming!
     
  2. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    Here is the gist -

    Before you join a job, see if it meets all of your requirements - short commute, flexible timings, matching your skillsets. Expect the unexpected. Your challenges don't stop at finding the job, they start there. You not being a fresh graduate only adds to the challenges. You will have to compete with fresh graduates and people with no spouse/kids and perform at the same energy level and dedication. In the meanwhile, the atmosphere at home is heating up with you getting added responsibilities. The only constant being the jibes from acquaintances. Though being self-employed seems contradictory, after facing the heat at office and home, you will start to think in that direction after a few years. Self-employment need not mean getting a capital, that too from spouse, don't go in that direction, it will start fresh fights. Try to leverage on some hidden talent of yours. Think small and take baby steps. Otherwise, just persevere with your efforts and keep these constraints in mind and make a plan A/B.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Anika, you are one sportive gal to tolerate my nonsense banter in a serious thread. : )

    Jokes aside, keep up the job hunt. If it means so much to you, and it obviously does, you will not be happy inside out until you have a job and one that you can talk about proudly. Till that happens, keep up the hunt.

    We can tell you how fortunate you are and how much stress a job can bring, but nothing matters when you want what you want. I know that feeling. It plays like a permanent playlist in the mind. I needed to receive a check or bank transfer of salary with my name on it. Period. I needed that. Even though I was not bothered by comments from people and had gotten over feeling hurt by those. But still, I compared myself to others and I needed to be similar to them in that respect -- earning an income.

    What I am trying to say is rather than making peace with not having a job, keep up the job hunt but try to not let it turn into arguments with husband now and then.
     
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  4. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Awesome reply sbgv..That was actually brilliant.

    Whatever you had said..is so true.I cannot agree more.Thank you for jotting it very beautifully what I felt.Even I could not have reflected my feelings as well you did.Thanks once again.

    1) Career = Identity.True..I am made to feel that way and that is how the girl seems to work.Inwardly,am completely okay telling people that being a homemaker is my identity.However..the weird looks and "what do u do at home all day"? questions really triggers.

    I cannot go around explaining to people what I do all day.I may have free time but am far from lazy.I am a very active person and do something or the other apart from housework,kids and certain things I do more elaborately.Something or the other is always there to do.Tough to explain.

    My relatives, co sis,inlaws constant jibe about how free I am etc does irk me.I have put my hardwork also.I can explain but I will leave it at that.

    2) Bullying..

    Yes.I agree it has created a very deep impact in my life.My dad had certain vices and though he was a good man,he could not concentrate in the family and took his anger on me as how dumb I am in front of his friends and family.
    Low self esteem started like that.I got scared a lot coz of that and that reflected in my studies.teachers were not so nice..I still remember one incident when I was made to stand on stage in front of the entire school and the principal humiliated me and I had to hear the end of it until I finished 12th grade in front of 10th graders.My math teacher hated me coz I quit his tuition for certain reasons and he hit me with a big stick when I was in 11th grade.I remember in my school,that stick will be covered with wire and wow! that used to hurt a lot!!Many things like that.My principal used to slap me and i used to so scared i will lose my earing ability lol.she is strong..I had problems on College too..was friends with wrong girls who made me feel stupid/ugly and telling their bfs about me and they gang up on me to tease me. some blackmails..could not tell at home at that time.It is very hard for an 18 year old to hear that am ugly and dumb especially from the opposite gender.It happ for 3 years..I tried to you know...that's a different story.I kept quiet for mom as my dad passed away.After that my relatives ganged up to not waste time and putting me and my mother..they even sabotaged my marriage to my husband but god saved me and married me to a wonderful guy.One good thing in my life!:) Why am I telling all this?Just came as a flow.The above could be the foundation for my low self esteem.

    I used to be super innocent coz my mom was and being brought up by her groomed me differently.I do not know how to talk,what to talk and where to talk.So people can easily find out that am not smart.

    I feel I have come a long way now..I have a great guy as a husband,lovely child,beautiful home and feel gratitude.
    However..my relatives have told my inlaws as to how bad I used to do in school/college as a joke and now they also tease but I stood up once at the peak of my anger and that stopped.I wish i could get that uncontrollable anger but one a light note..I may have other issues not but no anger issues lol!:)


    3) reasons for wanting to work..

    Somewhere down the lane,I feel like I wanna prove that am just as "smart" as everyone else.Especially in front of people who humiliated me.For me being smart is going for a good job and earning money.Coz no matter what I do, I am still considered dumb,lazy and not "smart" enough to get a job.

    I am not very passionate about sitting long hours in front of a computer plus since am content with what we have, not so much motivation to work outside.If it is a necessity I will but right now enjoying time at home with my family/hobbies.

    If for eg: if the girl is super educated and a homemaker..in many cases people appreciate that woman for being at home or atleast put her in high regard.With my history,I feel I need to prove.


    Another thing is..people constantly ask me that I will only be 50,when the kid leaves and then what will I do.I honestly never thought about this and go with the flow..but offlate getting scared,If I do not find a job now..once my daughter leaves home,what will I do with the rest of my life?

    Third thing is..every woman these days go for a job..I feel like am doing something very wrong but being at home.So even to find a career with something passionate about..I feel forced.I cannot act by force.Maybe coz my contentment with life has become a curse.The only thing I spend is on a gym membership.I even wear clothes which I brought 10 years back.Hubby literally forces me to buy something and enjoy.

    Hubby wanted to buy me a costly bag and one of my relatives said "you are not working.just a homemaker.why you need such a nice bag and wear will you wear?"I did not get that bag nor I really wanted it in the first place.If I had worked..that question would not have arose.

    Just wanting to prove am smart,standing confidently in par with other working moms.All my kid's friends moms are working.I feel am doing something wrong by not working outside.I feel it is very weird to be content and be at home at this age and day.I am actually surprised myself as to how I can be okay with it.I feel like it is a sin to have free time,living in hubby's money and even doing a pedicure once in a while feels wrong.

    Lastly..one of my friend said I have to work coz otherwise even my own kid won't respect me after sometime..

    I actually try to look at things neutrally.I can work very hard and find a job but honestly just like you said..the truth is if i go to work out of my choice..I will be happy but since am doing it for others it feels forced and am angry with myself.I do know that.My heart says one thing and the mind says another.I wish my heart controls the mind.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2020
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  5. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I am not very good with words like you all but am trying my best and using this IL platform as my parallel world.It is my solace.I just feel I can be myself here.Sorry to have digressed my own thread if i did:)

    I want to meet my past ,challenge with my present and feel proud about it.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2020
  6. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    nm
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2020
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @anika987
    I clearly understand your mind voice. But you are wrong my dear. The grass is always greener on the other side.
    You don't have to constantly prove anyone that you are smart. Their assessments or appraisals have no value in your life.
    Because, staying at home is your choice and decision. You are the only one who will have to face the consequences of your own decision. Others are just spectators. Treat them as such.

    I am also in my late 30s, and have kids around your kid's age. Though I have a career now, I am hoping to retire early and stay at home by the time I reach 50. I dream of a life that you are living now.
    I work so hard today, so that I can afford an early retirement to enjoy my life at home.

    Believe me... One of my friend said I must quit this job, else my own kid won't respect me as a mother. Come on... Such people are very common in everyone's life. I too have faced criticism, judgement, and what not.
    If I focus on my career and grow the ladder, they will judge me as a poor parent. If I chose to quit work, and focus at home, they will judge me as useless. But who cares???? After all, they are not supreme court judges to judge us. Their judgement has no value in our lives....


    *** If you seriously want to occupy your free time, and be famous I have an idea.
    Start a you tube channel or a FB page on whatever the favorite areas of yours. Be it fitness, yoga, cooking, interior, DYI, parenting, or just random stuff like introducing US life to others etc....
    Just make videos and post them. Work on with agents who help for wider reach.
    Get in touch with your Indian friends & relatives who can promote your channel down the line.
    If not for money, at least you can enjoy the appreciation, fame and wider reach of your product for personal satisfaction.

    Just think about it....
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2020
  8. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    That made me think of an old American TV reality show called [copy-paste from wikipedia]
    Trading Spouses: is an American reality show in which two families, usually of different social classes, swap wives or husbands for a week. Each family is awarded $50,000, with the stipulation that the guest mother decides how her host family must spend the money. The title of the show is a play on the idiom Trading Spaces.

    @anika987 may find episodes on youtube. Since these were during the "family hours", the shows were more like "Trading Lifestyles" rather than trading spouses and the connotations therein.
     
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  9. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I totally get it where you are coming from, if we are living constant comparison society, anyone can loose their self-confidence and go into self-pity mode (sorry for being blunt), I have been following your threads for so long and very well know your issues with PILs/distant relative/neighbor/co-worker/boss, you have been easy target in your real life and has been trying hard to prove yourself worth more than what they all saying, but believe me how much ever effort you are taking, you are being judged/commented on/making you feel bad moments, why are you trying to please those kind of souls? why are you not prioritizing YOU before them/their opinions? why are you measuring everything with JOB? Do something you like the most, learn something new which the other people in your world are not capable of. I always love to live more CONTENT life than a COMPETENT life, the former is in our hands, we cannt satisfy the later one, because once you get to one point, people will point and show you are at the beginning itself!! Do you still want that kind of life? living for others??

    Good luck
     
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  10. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand your feelings, and why you have low self esteem...you sure have an irritating co sis and MIL...
    But that’s a separate issue...
    Tell your co sis that she is so lucky to have two kids, so many ladies struggle to concieve and have one baby itself..tell her to treat as blessing and be happy to give first kid a sibling, after some years things will be better when both are grown up...maybe the co sis is looking for sympathy, she may feel better and stop bugging you...
    Regarding MIL, there is still time..with this Covid situation, which is worst in India, international travel is ruled out for senior citizens..relax and don’t get all worked up about something that’ll happen in future...it’s going to be long time before international travel becomes “normal”.. you can always say no a single and when there is a situation of in-laws wanting to come and stay with you...for now be glad they are not staying with you guys, the you’d have been stuck with them for a long time!
    Coming to job, as of now go for a work from home kind of job, you need to supervise your child’s remote learning, school studies etc till the time the pandemic ends and regular school will safely resume..it wouldn’t be appropriate or safe to leave the child in day care or after care even if these are open in the US..I’m in India and day cares and schools are shut here...no one wants to take risk of sending kid to school even if it re opens..a WFH job may be suitable for you till you can step out safely..your husband is right about not letting you to take the risk of a full time job during this pandemic..I’m sure he wouldn’t have had any objection to a remote job...
    Why do you need his approval to start a blog or take some online class or online fitness or cooking related stuff?you do it for your happiness and let him know after you do well...
    Even my relatives in US are keeping their kids with them at home and opting to stay indoors..
    If you were to step out for an job , what about childcare? And what if you contract Covid at a workplace from co worker?Or worst, contract and spread it to your husband and child?maybe it’s a good thing the job offer dint work out...
    ALso remember that job security is at stake now..the economy of all countries are adversely affected due to Covid..you need to stop nagging your husband and handle things diplomatically..make sure he is able to concentrate on his job and doesn’t taken unnecessary tension due to your insecurities ...
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2020
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