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No Love From My Husband Am I Overthinking

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by eshu09, Sep 4, 2022.

  1. eshu09

    eshu09 New IL'ite

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    Our story begins he was a friend of my sibling that’s how he saw me. He liked me and proposed me somehow I didn’t say yes immediately because I have no much talk with him. Slowly we started talking everyday he shared a lot of his life how he lost his mom etc., somehow I felt like he will take care of me well than any other man One fine day I said yes. I was in deep love I didn’t know I was too much emotionally attached to him. We once had physical relationship before marriage. One day his grandma came to his place from there he was like little different. His grandma and sister were forcing him to marry his sisters daughter, so he said me if I didn’t touch you I would have married her. I felt bad but I still was mad about him. I made sure to meet him after work on Saturday most times I didn’t attend office to meet him as he has holiday on Saturday and Sunday. I was the one who calls up and meet. He got irritated if I call or just one sentence talk. I cried begged to talk to me like earlier. One day he said ur job is not equal to my job. I agree I got lesser salary but that doesn’t mean I have less work. All the time he just keeps saying ur mom cooks you eat, but there is no one to cook for me. But he didn’t know I had few problems too as my mother was a depression patient. Most times I pack curd rice to office and sometimes my sister cooks. I didn’t share too I just kept silent. He was insecure that my parents would not agree then I would not marry him even though I showered him so much love. He came to my home and kept proposal before my dad. Somehow they agreed but my dad said you need to wait till my other sister gets married. He got a short term project to UK. So he was behind my dad to marry us soon. But my dad was helpless. He went UK gave me his number and called to say he reached safely. But I didn’t receive calls from him regularly, I kept calling without sleeping properly due to time zone difference and was having heavy workload. He sometimes answered. I still remember me crying all times and begging to shower love. Meanwhile my sister got married. He came back he brought me lots of chocolates. He even brought me gold. But still the same I was the one who keeps calling. He went to his hometown to say he is going to marry me, his sister forced him and all were forcing him. I kept calling but he never took my calls just sent one message and as I kept calling he switched off his mobile. He came back, now he forced my dad, my dad asked him to wait for a year since it is believed two marriages shouldn’t be done in the same year. But he said he has got another short term project and he needs to move and inform his brother soon so that he could take leave and come for marriage. So with a 6 month gap our marriage date was fixed. Now marriage preparations, my dad didn’t show much intrest so we had to do them by our own which had let to many fights. From his side no one came to help either. As a tradition brides should give clothes to their parents as he has no mom, his brother family was the one we need to give, so they were too interested to get clothes from us so they came all way to city to buy clothes bill for us and few from my husband pocket. In these marriage preparation we had lot of fights , he just on road shouted at me by hitting the motorbike. I was shattered with his behavior. My friend knowing what happened between us she advices me to cancel and end the Relation. But I was madly in love and as I had physical relationship with him once before marriage I was guilty depressed for that and couldn’t take that decision and scolded my friend for giving me wrong decision. Finally we were married with lot of complaints on my dad he wasn’t satisfied. we didn’t give dowry but he knows we have few assets. after marriage we went to his home, I knew none of them accepted me. Since everyone was new I expected him to be with me but he didn’t. I along with my sister had to sit in a room all alone. Next day was puja at home. He woke up got everything for puja, none of their family helped him. My dads car was at our place, after all puja my dad asked me do you want to keep car at your place. I said no, so driver took it to home. That evening he came shouting at me who the hell told your dad to take off the car. I didn’t knew that their sister and brother were planning to visit few places, he told me at that point. I didn’t knew so I said no. He blamed my father. I argued such a fight on 2nd day of marriage. I literally cried my sister was shocked too. And their family back talking about my dressing and all. Next day I have to go to my place so as per ritual but their family didn’t care me. Their family left after staying one night at our place. After all rituals at my home, we need to go back to his home. None were there to welcome us. His dad stayed with us. On 11 th day we had a special ritual to go in-laws, he wanted to go to his sister place for that ritual. My dad has brought sweets coconut etc. but his sister kept complaining about sweet to everyone in the village. My dad could make out their behavior and hugged me tight while leaving the place. Next day they were discussing about who needs to take care of his dad and grandma, so his brother called upon everyone to a room except me. I felt I was not part of the family. There began screaming from his sister ask her to get dowry. I couldn’t take it, I kept mum and cried. We came back with his dad they have decided we needed to take care of his dad. I just took care of him like my dad though I don’t talk much. When he got fever I was the one who called up my husband to take him hospital. But still he kept complaining I didn’t take proper care. I argued with him and asked his dad I took care didn’t i he didn’t say yes or no. I don’t know what they were expecting from me. I dropped my job after engagement as he wanted me take care of his dad and him. For short term, he needed to go netherlands, leaving me here, so he said his dad to go hometown and me to my home. He has given money to his dad, sister but not a penny to me. It’s fine as I stay with my parents. The same I always call him, but when weekend comes he would talk to my dad for long. He came back, he got typhoid, so we stayed at my home he kept complaining abt my family. Then came a call from his brother to cum for relative wedding, cum only if you cum with ur wife I didn’t like that statement so again argument. Came back, he went office came back but no much talk between us. He does sometimes sex and sleep with no talk. I couldn’t stand and one day took fight. He never realized my love towards him or what I was expecting from him. I never took money for any spending, believe me I didn’t buy any clothes after two years or three. I never asked him neither am tht interested. But he always brought me the food I requested. I am not a good cook and I don’t know abcs of cooking before marriage. All his friends, used to tease on tht regard before marriage but he always replied we will buy and eat. But after marriage, he didn’t say anything but his face would say me that he is not happy as o don’t cook. We had lot of fights was unhappy, one day I lost control and slapped him for disrespecting my family then he hit me so bad, which I ever didn’t expect from him. If he gets free time only thing was to stick to tv. I tried a lot, even one day I was giving him kisses hugs a lot. He took me wrong. I was so mad I didn’t have no one to talk at home. There is no talk between us I was tired, one day committed sucide. He cried that day, he respected me after that but that talk or relation was missing. He was trying for USA he didn’t get one project i consoled him. After few days he came saying I need to go to UK in 10 days for 6 months. I was shocked I didn’t understand why he didn’t say me when he got project and while submitting documents. He felt if he says things to me they don’t happen. I tried tourist visa but rejected. Me at my moms place, he left. As usual I used to mail him and later he would call around 2am. He was super busy he has no time to food also, I understood but was lonely as my mom is depression patient she sometimes was not normal. He took leave and came for holiday after 5 and half months. Again he left after 10 days saying he would be coming soon and we may go to usa. He came at short span we got visa and left. After going there I got to know I was pregnant, the happiest moment which I was waiting for long time but he was neither happy nor sad. He took such good care of me. They were the best days in my life. Baby and he took care of me during that period too. My parents came during my last days of pregnancy, they kept fighting tht my sisters and I weren’t in good positions as three of us stopped working after marriage. Though I was not software background I had good job in my field. Till today they think we are not good positions. Though they were there, I took care of the baby myself with all pain. They helped me in cooking. All these no sleep got seizures. Have them from teenage was under medication from then. They left to India. I took care and was very happy with baby and he taking care of us. After few months for ritual we came to india. I needed to stay here for 6 months at moms place. I took care of baby though it was tiresome. Top of that bo happy environment, depressed mom shouted at me one day and my baby got scared too as I locked in my room until she calmed down. As usual calls in night this time could wait till late night as I was tired with baby. So no much talk. He came and took me back, me expecting the same love he showered me earlier. He did take baby for walk but no much talk between us. One day was so frustrated as he was watching tv without speaking to me and I hit the baby. Till today I regret for this. That night I started to have hallucinations my worse days. Was admitted in hospital, dad coming here to take care of my baby. He was a moral support for my husband. I didn’t sleep till months and continuous hallucinations. Though my husband understood me, sometimes he was irritated as I didn’t sleep either didn’t allow him to sleep of my constant screaming crying. I couldn’t take care of my baby too. No change in me was in bad state so they put me high dosage, all I knew was crying and fell asleep. My dad left, I could do normal cooking dressing up My kid. Since I was in my world with hallucinations, we joined my kid into preschool, all I remember was me drowsy in that high dosage medicine would get him ready and he used to drop him sometimes irritated. I just cook and sleep till my husband comes. He does console me when I cry share I still not recovered. I used to sleep all time and gap between us increased. After three years Was getting better there came covid my husband project got terminated and his gc process was stuck. I made good friends during that time and our families had grt time on weekends. I was happy, we strtd to talk from no talk, god didn’t like it we needed to move back to india. He was upset shouted at me. Moved back stayed in my moms place as tenant were there in our house. The project who promised to take back to usa couldn’t, his health got upset with all he kept complaining abt my parents. As Covid we couldn’t go anywhere so he takes us a ride where I get lot of complaints from food to cleaniness, lectures tht my dad gives. I got my medicine changed and with decreased dosage, my sleep got reduced as Covid my kid was attending online classes so I was quite busy In morning and he was busy at night. I started to miss him and again felt y he doesn’t feel towards any love nor attraction. I wait for him till 2 am so tht he would talk to me but no he used to sleep.he was out of the project, he blamed nothing is going good on this house let’s leave. Other day He said u are big shani bad luck ci to me. We moved to new house me my kid and husband. He tried many USA projects to process visa but none came out. After coming new house he got new job offer, was better. After more than 5 years we had physical relation, felt I could be happy. He resigned, meanwhile friends and his brother sister came here. He didn’t like my cooking though o cooked well but with little spice and salt lesser than them. He was irritated when I ask him to get groceries. When I ask let’s go outside he is irritated but he took them everyday to each place. I don’t mind but it would be nice if he has the same feeling towards me. He never believed me that I could cook and take care. He asked his brothers daughter who is 21 is there curd did u make it where did u keep. I was the one who is making yogurt and he is asking them. I felt very bad. Everyone left he started to show signs of depression, talked to him he said something is bothering and he wants to move to USA. I am eagerly waiting too as I get care from him over there but not here, caus he has my parents to blame and more luv towards their brother. I being depressed badly still make courage and say him to be strong and everything will be gud o am here to help u in every aspect. My sis family came they stayed here he took good care and was happy. After they left all three of us missed them so much and felt lonely. We went to brother place as his father’s ceremony was coming. Due to his depression and sick he didn’t join office two weeks got call from hr, he said he is unwell later joined still upset and depressed. He often gets irritated and doesn’t talk, I understood. He always keeps complaining some other aspect he keeps face for every small thing I don’t do. He makes me guilty, not worthy by his face expressions and not happy with me. I am too depressed and am having suicidal thoughts. Only thing is stopping me is my kid. He never talks to me, one day for saying ur not talking to me neither interested in me he shouted I will be like this only and strtd blaming me. If I say take care of ur health and consult dietician he says they give list and you can’t cook and give me so what’s the purpose. Why will I not, he doesn’t believe me, he makes me feel I don’t do anything just sit eat sleep.
    He doesn’t talk, besides I tried to have physical relation hr doesn’t, though he does once in a while because I say ur not interested in me, then he does start touching here and there but sleeps off. My kid is having fever I check fever wipe him with wet cloth give him medicine waking nights not sleeping properly. I took a nap after breakfast and woke late he points me abt cooking, not giving food to my kid. I do care more than him to my kid. He has no time to spend with him but just watch tv. I feel I am fit for nothing neither my parents happy with my career nor he with my cooking, household work, taking care of kid. Maybe I am not, being a depressed and hallucinations patient I need support. I have no one to share and if I share also they think I am lying cause looks for everyone he is very caring. I am too depressed and feel like killing myself. When will he understand that I just need his love. He does some hh work like cleaning and dusting tv topsHe buys me what I want but I am scared to ask him sometimes, y is there that gap. Never know how he reacts each time. I being an introvert can’t say things. He also makes me guilty that I don’t know how to mange and get work done by maid. Maybe I am not. I am fit for nothing, making me so depressed I don’t want to stay anymore I am tired. Expecting him to love me rather than treating me responsibility. Expecting is my fault am I over reacting. I miss the love he showered me during pregnancy. I feel like killing myself but worried about my kid, he is the only one who loves me. But being depressed and making my kid suffer like we suffered of our mom but she is loving one. I don’t want that environment for my kid. If he gets usa chance, am thinking to say him to go along with my kid as he gets better future. And me here staying away from him. Am I taking good decision. I don’t think he can overcome the feeling tht he is taking care Unhealthy as well depressed wife and treat me as a looser and fit for nothing. These days just to avoid all I started watching tv mobile but can’t come out of it. He never hugged me or kissed me. And never saw he is missing me and a want to talk. He never says me anything I eavesdrop his calls but he does share a few with my dad. He expects my property and he wants tht money to be given to him rather than on my name. Why will my father deposit on his name, I am his daughter he will do it by name. This is one of the complaints tht he deposited money on my name. He does understand my family issues but he does support my father. He always says who will take of ur parents, it can’t be just us everyone does. He keeps dirty face when my stayed here for two weeks. And keeps complaining. I don’t think he does take care. Making me unwanted haunts me everyday. He has so many reasons to not to talk to me. He just expects me to cook deliciously on time everything and do household which I am useless at. Wish I didn’t stop my career, I was good at studies where I helped my friends now i am nowhere fit for nothing.
     
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  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    I understand your thoughts. But you are giving too much pressure to you and your husband by your over emotional dependence on h. You dont have a life, your world is around h. Its a suffocating situation for anybody including your h. Its very toxic.

    'Wish I didn’t stop my career, I was good at studieswhere I helped my friends now i am nowhere fit for nothing.'

    You can start again if you wish to. If there is a will there is away. But be independent first emotionally. Stop your overthinking and these negative thoughts first. Suicide is not a remedy for anything. Only your kid will suffer, no one else.

    'Hallucinations and depression'
    Was it postpartum depression or any other mental issue like 'schizophrenia'. You need to continue taking medicine, if there is any or consult specialist, and take care of you. This situation is not easy for h to handle, pl understand that. May be he dont know how to solve it as he was also depressed.

    You are expecting him to treat you in a certain way, what about his expectations , are you satisfying all of that. So, try to reach a mid way. Most relationships are conditional, so dont expect unconditional love and care from anyone. Your immature decisions created problems in your life. I believe your h loves you, thats why he is still with you against his family's wish. May be your love language is different. But, past is done, you cant reverse it. So, focus on present and future.

    Please stop chasing your dh( that will force him to run away from you)and start loving yourself by having proper medication and building your life.
    If you dont love or care or respect yourself, no one else. So, dont take any emotional conclusion or decision, till you have the clarity and ability to face anything. Now, you are very weak, so gain your mental strength, self esteem and confidence back. That, should be the main step you need to focus now. I am sure, that will give a healthy mindset and help you to build a healthy relationship with your dh. It better to leave past in the past, Dont bring it up again and again and spoil your present.

    Pl note that I am not supporting any unfair behavior from your h or family members towards you . But, we can talk only to you, pointing out the areas where you need to focus till you are ready for next step. Your life is your responsibility.
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2022
    Anusha2917, amulya2020 and Laks09 like this.
  3. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    So well said, totally agree on this. May be it’s time to focus on you and your well being. I used to wonder, how would that make our relationship better. But things actually make difference once I followed it. May this is what called reverse psychology and it also gives us to hear our inner voice more than outer noises. So, definitely try to hear your inner voice, pen down things you want to learn, do or you wanted your life to be and start working on it and your fitness( emotional as well). Keep looking for good, positive and motivational posts or videos until your thought process doesn’t fluctuate much and you become more relaxed or to boost your mood.

    I don’t know it’s the impact of movies or imagining things far away from reality. I realized lately that, we might feel our world revolve around h and expect lot from them after marriage. They take a lot of space in your life in terms of physical( taking care of them, daily chores) emotional (thinking of them when any misunderstanding happen). Instead, behave what would you do if you were not married or met your husband. Try to keep in touch with your friend circle or people who hear you, Do mediation or excercise, do the things which you wanted to do from long time etc.

    I’m also kind of person who expect lot of love and care. I am in your shoes as well, but try to things little differently. Which ever makes things better keep doing those. When you focus on other things, definitely you will draw some attention from your husband. Again, don’t do for someone or expect but keep doing your things and hope everything gets better for you.
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2022
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I am sorry, but it is a very looooooong post.
    I did not read the entire post to be honest with you. But, I just had a glimpse of what was going on in your life.

    Let me quickly share my experience with you here:)

    Like you, I was so madly in love with my H before marriage. I was so dependent on him and I saw no life beyond him.
    He was so kind and affectionate towards me before marriage. However, so many things happened before marriage, with the involvement of his parents and that made him behave rudely.
    Like in your case, my family suggested to call off the wedding, because he seemed to be so fragile and unable to handle his family's pressure well. But I was so deeply involved in this relationship; hence I did not see the red flag.

    The first 5 years of my marriage life was hell. He was just a puppet of his parents and dancing as per their tunes just avoid the guilt ride of marrying me against their will. But that has completely killed our inner peace.

    I had 2 options back then to face the life.
    1) To die in depression, yearn for his soft corner and the love. Try making things to turn him towards me.
    2) To work on my self, be independent and live on my own without depending on anything.

    I chose the 2nd option. Thanks to my mom, who was behind my decision as the major pillar of support.

    I grew so well in my career, took care of my emotional well being, found friends, and a new support system. Started living the life happily, and became a self dependent person.
    I started attracting many people, including many friends who felt happy to be with me.
    My H was no different either. He found his solace and happiness in coming back to me. Started showering me with love, giving all the attention I needed, and what not.
    But, to be honest I am not well impressed, rather I don't care of these attentions. I still depend on my self. I enjoy the love, affection and attention too, but my real happiness lies somewhere else.

    Work on yourself. Everything will come to you including your husband
     
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