no intimacy...this is driving me nuts

mahika · Jan 17, 2009

:spinHi every one ,
I am married for 7 years with a 4 year old kid and expecting another one .My husband is really a gem of a person ,a very good father ,a very responsible husband who has never complained of any thing .He shares all the responsiblity more than 50 percent .So in a nut shell he is the kind of husband any one would dream of .But the only problem is there is very less intimacy between us as a couple .
Initial years of marriage were good ,we had a ok sex life (sex once a week).but used to hug each other and kiss .When i got pregnant with my first kid my hubby almost stopped touching me .We were like 2 people in platonic relation ship .I used to feel very low as i was putting on some weight .My self esteem went down.I discussed this with him and he tried to be little intimate ,but i always felt like i am making him do someting he doesnt want to .So with my first pregnancy we had no sex for next 15 months .This was driving me crazy .After 15 months our sex life started but was like once a month .this went on till my kid was 2.5 .Then I one day discussed this with him made a huge drama ,like sleeping in diffrent room etc then it started improving .But all this time he will only touch me when we have sex ,apart from that never .Now I am pregnant and he has stopped touching me again (which i had expected already ).The problem is I get really wierd dreams these days as if some one else is touching me and making love to me .I wake up and feel guilty and cry .this time i dont want to discuss this with him as i know it is not going to help much .
bUt it has been almost 5 nights i have been through things like this .
Physically i am little above average looking ,but these days i have started putting some weight .I really long for some one to atleast hug me .
Is this normal or I am just making an issue out of nothing .

Mahajanpragati · Jan 18, 2009

dear mahika,
why do u expect him to hug u.u hug him 1st and playfully wrap his arms around urself.tell him his baby feels happy & secure to get his father's touch.as he is a good father i am sure he will do for the sake of baby.
many men r scared of having physical relations with the wife as they feel they may hurt the wife & baby.it shows their love & concern.
having dreams with physical overtones is normal specially during 1st trimester of pregancy.why u feel guilty.afterall we have no control on our dreams.tell him to hug u by making a drama of having nightmare.
do not be conscious of ur weight.ur baby needs the extra fats ur body is adding.it will come off once the baby is born.be happy.
pragati

mahika · Jan 19, 2009

thanks Pragati I have tried what you suggested me befor and he always reciprocate my feelings
Seema girl (I am sorry but i highly doubt you are a girl ).If you have any concrete advice suggest on this forum .I dont want to befriend some cheapo who is under the impression i am looking for some one to satisfy me .I love my hubby and wouldnot trade him for even the whole world .

Rihana · Jan 19, 2009

Mahika,

I don't have any suggestions on how to resolve it. But, it might help to hear that what you are going through is not so uncommon among Indian couples, especially, those living outside India. Maybe,it is also true for those living in India, but, I have no knowledge of that.

The years when kid(s) are small, are very busy for us. Even if we have hired help like weekly cook, nanny or weekly cleaners, there is still so much to get done. Not many of us take the option of getting a babysitter so husband and wife can go out for a date once a month or so. Out of town vacations are also rare. All of these take a toll, and we spend less and less quality time together. Quality time being where we don't talk about kids, household chores, finances, jobs, in-laws, instead where we only talk about relaxing topics like movies, music, us, etc.

My SAHM friends agree with me that till the younger one is 3 yrs or so, and potty-trained and going to preschool, life is pretty much on hold. My working friends too feel that till the younger one is 3 or more, they had to cut down on workplace efforts and ambitions. AFter that, life changes, and there is more time for other stuff. Or ateast, it gets less harder to make time for "quality time".

Since your marriage already has almost everything going right, except for this one issue, I feel only time might change it. And meanwhile, rest assured, there are many many more who feel exactly like you. Knowing that you have company is cold comfort, huh?

Rihana

CharuKaur · Jan 19, 2009

hi there

i have no experience myself, but have heard that there comes a phase in pregnancy when the sexual drive of a woman exceeds its normal. I think this could be a practically usual thing happennig to you and you might be over-reacting at it.
i can imagine how a platonic marriage would hurt but it will be harmless if you be the first one to intiate. you can learn more about him and try those ways...
i hope you feel better soon

Stay happy!

infinitehopes · Jan 20, 2009

Hi Mahika,
I agree with Rihana - when she said that we spend less time together as a couple. Although I am not experienced in this - no kids yet - but I just wanted to still write for the phase when you were not pregnant the second time and also before you had your first child..

You may want to start putting kids to bed early - especially in US its a common practice to have the kids sleep by 8 or max 9 pm. So that you get at least 1 hour with your hubby - may be you need to share usual household things - try to cover all that when u'r kids are around or u r finishing kitchen work etc.. so that this quiet time with your husband can really be used to relax him.. make small nice casual talk.. Show him that you are relaxed and all is well.. Also as someone suggested - you wrap his arms around you.. have nice shows on TV... and so on..

Did you ever ask him what his fantacies are or shared your fantacies? Do you have that kind of open communication with him? Just make sure he is in a mindset to accept this type of communication else it can backfire.

I am also thinking that he might have heard of some experience where someone else might have suffered during pregnancy - not because of being intimate when all was well but may be because they were adviced not to due to unstable pregnancy. That could be a fear, which will keep him at a distance. You can talk to him about some friends who enjoyed being intimate even when the wife was pregnant..

Hope you find a way out soon. Ofcourse you have a soon to arrive child to look forward too.. but this is something that you can continue to work on..
Once on a radio station, a lady shared same problem. So the doctor responded saying "why don't you tell him that you like it and he makes you feel good with the act and you want more- any man would like to know from his wife that she enjoys the intimacy."

All the best for both - the pregnancy and resolving this issue !
Don't get worried though - be happy !