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No Friend Is Perfect

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Rihana, Aug 26, 2022.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    When I first came across the term "3 a.m. friend", it seemed just so clever, hip, and apt. It’s a friend you can call at any time of the day or night, whom you can tell anything that’s on your mind, who’s always there for you, and who will drop everything and come to your aid if needed.

    That sounds inspiring and uplifting. The reality is a little less so. A "3 a.m. friend" can be that not so perfect friend at other times in the day. In fact, there is no friend who is perfect all the time. And there is no friend who is perfect in all ways.
    When I look at my roster of 3 a.m. friends, I realize these two contradicting truths:
    Almost all my friends are 3 a.m. friends.
    and
    Each friend has at least one quality that I don’t like.​

    I am fortunate to have at least five friends I count as 3 a.m. friends. This is each one’s less than desirable quality that I willingly work around:

    Friend 1 believes in a version of the caste system that drives me nuts.
    Friend 2, a naturalized citizen, does not vote and does not believe in voting.
    Friend 3 will not drop a topic after I explicitly say it needs to be dropped.
    Friend 4 forwards stuff that is plain wrong but doesn’t like any discussion about it.
    Friend 5 still does not approve of whom I married, still won’t properly say "Hi" to him.

    When it comes to evaluating friendships, one should allow for the occasional failings, some permanent imperfections and times when they are not there for you.

    The latest lesson in this area for me has been a realization that not all friends will always be fully and unconditionally joyful for my life’s happy moments. And that is OK. A less than effusive congratulations message is fine even from my closest friend.



    "Human behaviour ke baare me uss din humne kuch jaana, Dost fail ho jaye toh dukh hota hai, lekin dost first aa jaye toh jyada dukh hota hai." ~ Farhan Qureshi in 3 Idiots

    Translation: “We learnt something about human behaviour that day. It feels bad when a friend fails, but it feels even worse when he comes first.”
    .
     
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  2. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Rihana,

    why just friends? No one is perfect no? That said, I have always hoped and tried hard to be that 3 am friend and I have to be honest and say that most of my friends get annoyed with me because I don't share much with them. It is a trait I can't get rid of! Usually by the time I come around to sharing a problem, I often have thought out the solution/my reaction also. That said, I do have two friends (three of us together make the group) and both of them offer the exact opposite views/opinions - just our nature....so between the three of us, one is agreeing and the other is playing the devil's advocate! And then, my best friend is just that - best friend :) She has made it her mission to always tell me "arre...be happy ya! This too shall pass :) or simply say "I am SOOOO happy for you!" I am fortunate to have a couple of friends who feel happy for me and I feel happy for them too! As I type this response out, I realize, these are very old friendships, like very old......... It is rare indeed to find friends who share your joy!

    Thoughtful post...will be thinking about it for a long time!
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Feels nice to read your response, Srama. Was thinking of you on Monday. Was at the library after a looong time. That is a snippet by itself. : )

    There always is one such in any group. The one who shares lesser than others and not by design. : )

    Such friends are blessings many times over. I was looking for quotes to use in the original post and found one that said something like, "There's nothing better than a friend except an old friend."

    I have two such friends, actually both are from my single days, one from college and one from first job. They know me inside out. They can tell my spirits level from the length of the pause before I respond in whatsapp. They can guess the stuff that I'd have backspaced. : ) When I talk with them, I have to give lesser context than if I am talking to my DH.

    We have kids who are around the same ages. Something a tiny bit like the 3 Idiots dialog happened to us a few times. Thankfully very few only. When it comes to kids' college stuff, internships, job offers and so on, sometimes one can make out a certain reserve in the Congrats!!! It could be only one less "!" than usual. But we can tell. : ) And that missing "!" is fine.

    Thank you. There's more where that came from. : ) Suddenly feeling very snippet-y. : )
     
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  4. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    Since you have referred to '3 Idiots' movie, the lead character, a friend of the other two, does not reveal whom he is impersonating as a student.
    Coming to the subject itself, I have always held, rightly or wrongly, that there is no 3 a. am friends, a term I just came to know from your snippet. We may have friends in need but not friends indeed. The reason is very simple. We are all individualistic and it takes a real character to open up with our secrets.
    My 3 a m friend is within me.
     
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  5. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:Is it a conclusion or a question?
    I have a friend of over five decades old. A bosom friend a bed-fellow a reliable dependable irrespective of time on clock. BTW how many can claim perfect friends in virtual world. Friendship exists because of distance. Too close familiarity opening up all buttons in one go generally ends up in contempt.

    When my mom was hospitalised for surgery before and after i called him as a reliever attendant in night and day . He obliged.

    He was with me patiently till ambulance arrived and my mom was put on a stretcher lifted to ambulance. He was there With me till midnight in hospital.
    I had no such opportunities to lend helping hand to him. He called over phone to visit hospital when his mom was bedridden. I could not go!

    I needed cash to pay to hospital in advance. He drew from ATM gave me more than i needed with a condition that his act not to be taken or treated as loan!

    For me - he is irrespective of time, am or pm, evening or dead of night, still hours or dawn a PERFECT friend. He never wished for reciprocation.

    Perhaps Hotels working round the clock coined in their Ad coined this phrase “3 am or 12 am friend” as they deliver pizza at doorsteps of customer at ungodly hour.

    But then who can define time based “perfection” in friendship or courtship.
    GOD - A perfect friend for all - Irrespective of gender, religion or latitude or gratitude.
     
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  6. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Rihana,

    somewhoo I connect with you and there is no way I would not respond! I have been making my rounds to the library no matter....just that the libraries have become benevolent. No more fees on books and that meant at one time 15 books at home
    and read just two! Felt bad and dropped off all the books back! Seems like late fee works better for me - the joy of paying it and the joy of trying to avoid it! So bad no?

    I am sure there - whatever it is, you have had me thinking with your post! I am still thinking
    Keep them coming, especially the one on library!
     
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  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    My sped mom friends, those women drop everything and are there to celebrate and cry. They just get the highs and the lows. It’s always let’s just party about this or I’m bringing the tissues!!! I feel like since I got them, I hold my other GFs to those standards. Which is totally unfair. They really put in the effort for me. Especially during the lows.
    Just typing this out gives me perspective. Thank you for the thread and especially the 3 idiots clip. I need to watch that movie again one of these days. After ponniyin selvan!
     
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  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rihana, I have 5 friends who I consider extremely close to me and share information freely. But I won't benchmark them as perfect as I don't know what is a perfect friend. Perfect is vague as different people measure it differently.

    1) A close friend who lives in the city I live. We discuss mostly spiritual stuff and occasionally personal stuff. He is a GI physician I met in 2003.
    2) A friend who I met in 1980. He has been close to me since. He is in Chennai and we speak and exchange WhatsApp messages regularly. We both are capable of doing anything for each other as we bond together so well. Many times, what I was going to say will come out of his mouth and vice versa.
    3) A friend who I know professionally since 1977. He is a founder of a CA firm in Chennai and is always busy. We meet occasionally but when we meet we catch up since last meeting. These meetings are extremely cordial.
    4) Two friends I know since my school days in 1960s. We speak occasionally to each other and those discussions are always about our school days.
     
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2022
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