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No Expectations

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by satchitananda, Jan 25, 2021.

  1. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Chanced upon this vlog this morning. I love watching travel vlogs and to see India through the eyes of outsiders. Watching this really intrigued me and had me scratching my brains for a bit.



    What a happy relationship - at least what is being portrayed. Makes me wonder, would it have been the same if it had been a local dil? I suspect it may not have been so. Expectations and demands from dils and from pils are that much greater when the marriage is within the community or between Indians.

    In an international marriage, the pils have lower expectations, are more easily impressed even with the least effort on the part of the phoren bahu and to the dil's credit, she too is trying really hard and not taking anything for granted. The lack of 'familiarity' prevents the 'contempt' from building up.

    That, I guess is the secret of a happy, healthy marriage - no expectations. Treat the other party just like you would friends or acquaintances when it comes to expectations and do the best you can as you would do for family.
     
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  2. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    The video does invoke suspicions like you had mentioned. Close relations in foreign culture are quite familiar to me. People talk less when they are nervous to have their true subliminal feelings slip out.

    Elsewhere on the forum I had recommended to a member (@sneha1985) someone who does not speak one's parental tongue. The usual MIL-DIL tussles cannot happen when each one is groping for the right words in English to yell out at the other in a fight. The pause or delay would naturally defuse the situation. All will be vell again.

    unrelated... long ago there was a skit on TV late night show:
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2021
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  3. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Fights do not necessarily have to be verbal. Conflicts that arise out of the compulsion or insistence on sharing space can be quite deep rooted and often the programming to hold one's tongue can evoke a lot of passive aggression which is worse than shouting the place down.

    In this case, it appears that dil is happy to let mil take over, which suits both of them, I suppose, since mil will want to feed son with things she has brought him up eating! DIL has time for her vlogging and does not have to bother herself with things that are alien to her. Just let them be.

    I have heard a pregnant desi dil in the US complaining that her mil came there and insisted on making her bend/crouch putting out 'karodams' to dry in the sun, because her darling son liked it. Indian mil, Indian dil. Catch the mil trying to do that with her 'phoren' bahu!
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2021
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  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello: Context or out of context this thread reminds me actress Aishwarya’s acrimonious responses in an interview

     
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  5. Parry22

    Parry22 Silver IL'ite

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    It's all about how the husband takes it - it the husband who defines the relationship between a DIL and MIL, as he is the ONLY common thread between them. Ofcourse, efforts from both MIL and DIL matter - but it depends on mainly how the husband wants to define it.
     
  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    :-D Well, why not?
     
  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Most husbands pay a deaf ear and let the warring factions fight it out. They bother only about their own convenience.
     
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  8. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    Here, in the video, I sense - language barrier, white skinned vloger DIL whose channel has good viewership, only son who is deeply in love with his wife, MIL coming to live in DIL’s house instead of the other way round - all must have silenced the MIL and played significant role in the “happy joint family life” shown in the video.

    I am remembering the heroine character in a telugu movie “race gurram” who experiences all her emotions inside but outwardly she appears cool and unshaken.

    You may want to want this short clip from the movie to understand what I am saying...



    So, I seriously doubt the MIL in the video you shared is playing Shruti Hassan in real life. She must be undergoing a lot inside, but unfortunately need to put up a cool happy face outwardly.
     
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  9. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    One wonderful way of maintaining healthy relationship with inlaws. Very well said!
     
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  10. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    We can never really know the truth, could we? Maybe the ILs have no option, so behave themselves. Maybe they have genuinely accepted her. Who knows? We can only go by what is shown. True of real life (as in not virtual) situations too.
     
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