No Emotional Investment..

Human beings are socially wired.We need the warmth of other people.

However..in the pursuit of relationships..if we lose our respect and feel degraded, are those relationships worth it?

Nobody is perfect.We all feel emotions be it envy,jealousy,anger and that is all common but being surrounded by people who treat you with disregard and dump their frustrations on you..is it even worth?

Growing up in a joint family,I always enjoyed being around my relatives.They are my world but the same people treat you bad..

I kept convincing myself for decades that I am the one who is sensitive,am the one who is wrong and I need to adjust but after some counsel help and support system I came to know that I was a victim of gaslighting and it was them who was toxic and I was the family scapegoat.

Every family has one..and am in my family.

My uncle cannot speak against his wife..dead scared of her but with me he can talk get downright sarcastic..

My other uncle cannot comprehend how I could find a well educated boy and settle abroad and was always putting me down..

another uncle can yell and scream and involve too much and hated me enjoying vacations etc..

Their daughter in laws joined with them too..

I always still helped them no matter what they wanted for the fear of losing them.

I have always seen my mom very subdued and I was also the same person. I value people and thought being nice and helpful is a way to keep good relationships but inturn I was taken advantage of.being soft spoken didn’t help either..

I had so much bottled up emotions and my cousins wife and consister started to mentally attack me.It was a torture to be in get togethers.They noticed only when they needed help.

I could feel my blood boiling and kept silent.

I cannot fake emotions which is another problem.I kept quiet coz I was afraid that I will burst out but..

I remember that humiliating feeling when my uncle family in my co sister house “as a joke” told me that I need to show my face to their granddaughter so that she can poop..

that’s when all hell broke loose..in a fit of temper I lashed out..

then I could clearly see all faking nic for sometime and they would be sarcastic and tell things they want to say in a very soft tone..

Another couple of times I lashed out..couldn’t help myself..

Hmm..I cut them off completely..

It hurts when things are unfair of no mistake of mine.I journal and questioned myself zillion times if I was the one who is wrong..my gut instinct and I do know I was nothing but nice.

people are so emotionally manipulative and cunning..

I just wanted relatives and I tried to do as much as I can to keep things intact and I ended up losing it completely for my self respect.

Years of emotional investment and help is a total waste of time and energy….

I miss my best friend back home and I want to give her a hug.I miss my mom dearly and want to just lie down next to her.

But am far away..so am journaling to my IL buddies..

my periods are nearing by and maybe that’s why I got emotional

thanks for reading…

 

Things I go to take care of myself:

I watch good movies
Listen to songs
I journal
I eat good food
I do yoga and workouts
I dress well..it feels good..
I get good rest..
I cry it out..it is sort of Therapy feeling
I try to respond than react
I do cleaning therapy
Practice self love
Spirituality
Changing myself

In the end..life has to go on..one needs to brave out things..In my mind I won’t be defeated and I deserve good things coz I was good to them..I can proudly say I have never tried to hurt anyone intentionally and even in IL I have never been rude intentionally…if I did any time am very sorry for whatever it was..

Someday the pain will be a distant memory..hopefully

 

Thank you Advance new year wishes to you too