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No bonding with child

Discussion in 'Infants' started by Shrikha, Oct 9, 2009.

  1. Shrikha

    Shrikha Senior IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    I do not know if any one has already posted this kind of query. Here goes my problem :

    I am working and my kid is 11 months old. I started work from when my kid was 3.5 months old, hence my milk also started reducing and I stopped BF when he completed 10 months. He was not interested in having my milk as the flow had reduced badly and I had no other option than to stop. My kid is very happy when he is with his grand father. My mil used to taunt me earlier that my kid does not need me and she handles him without any problem, somehow all of that has stopped now.

    But lately my kid refuses to come to me, he cries when i take him. he wants to play with his granny or grand dad.

    I do not wish to work, but since we need to provide him a better future and due to some financial constraints I need to work. It was very painful in the beginning to leave him and go, but I managed later. Now when I see that he does not have any bonding with me I feel devastated. Where am I going wrong? After I reach home, I take him and try playing with him, I used to feed him in the morning and night, but now he wants to go with his grand dad and granny for having food, they take him out and now he is used to going out and having food.

    What can I do to make the situation better? I am not sure if you have understood what I want to convey, but please tell me if its normal to get upset when kid does not bond with the mother. I want to know if anyone else also feels like me.
     
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  2. JustAni

    JustAni Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Shrika...

    I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

    Even though I don't work, I understand how you feel.

    Kids like people who love them, who don't scold them, you doesn't stop you from doing anything, who gives them anything they ask for.... That's why they prefer grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc.

    I would suggest having a short outing with your husband & kid to a place where you can spend some quality time with him. Later you & your hubby could make it a practise to spend weekends with him - taking him to a park or the beach or play areas, anywhere where he can enjoy.

    I have noticed that kids enjoy when you lift them by their legs... hold them in all odd ways.... toss & turn them... you cold try this too.

    You have to show them that you are FUN.... laugh a lot... do silly this... funny faces... funny voice/noise....

    Here's hoping your bond improves!
     
  3. lakshmina

    lakshmina New IL'ite

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    JustAni said it right... They love to hear something different, something funny... at 11 months, they want to explore... we need to figure out what they are interested with, to have a good time with them.... I too had this problem. My DS was with a babysitter and worst part is he didn't mind me many times. Sometimes, I go mad and even thought of changing the babysitter, unable to bear that situation. But everyone told - it was good to see that since it showed that the babysitter was nice to him. That was true. As working moms, we are not able to spend all the time with them. But got to be happy for the reason that the kids have some reliable people to take care of them. The issue now - on the bonding - is a temporary one. I also did not know how to make him come to me and laugh with me. Dealing a baby was very new to me. But saw that my babysitter and DH did all funny things to him. I too started doing those, first just did whatever they did for making him laugh, and slowly he started to laugh and play with me. Don't be tensed, you can observe what makes him happy, and try your own ways too. A baby has the natural bond with the mother - more than anyone. So it is not a difficult thing to improve the quality time with him. When you go home, initially you can buy some toy that would make noises and attract him. Seeing that he would come to you for playing. You can imitate that noise, laugh, do 'kichu kichu', tell a nursery rhyme with actions, and what not... You can also show him sites like starfall.com, slokakids.com, etc (Thanks to ILite. I got it through this site). I do not know what all could be possible for you, but just sharing those coming to my mind. And last piece - now my son is 2.2 years old and is waiting for me to come back home and play with him (though our current babysitter is also a fantastic care taker). We just need to know their ways and talk their language. Parenting is a challenge sometimes, but it just need patience and observing the child... Cheer Up!!! All The Best!!! :)
     
  4. Muskaan7

    Muskaan7 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Shrikha,

    I saw your post and felt like i had to reply to you because i was in a similar situation.

    My inlaws are here and looking after my baby. After a few days of they here, I realized that my son preferred them, especially my Mil, to me. MIL made it worse by rushing to him at the drop of a hat, taking him from me, and doing things even if not needed. It used to make me very depressed and I would not say anything as I didnt want any problems. They were with him the whole day but still after me coming from work, they used to take him into their room till I finish my cooking, then reluctantly give him to me and at the first opportunity again take him away. It really drove me mad:rant However one thing led to another and we had this huge argument and then I made it very clear to my MIL that once I come home from work, I need time to bond with my son. They did not like it but had no choice as I was very firm. I also saw that they used to play with him, sing to him and he liked all that, just like any baby. So I started doing that with him. I used to come home, cook, and then take him and go either for a long walk or if it was cold, just play with him at home, and have one-on-one time with him. I used to (and still) hold him with one hand and do my cooking with the other (whenever possible). Slowly, I started bonding with him more and now the minute I walk through the door, he comes running to me whether my inlaws are there or no and we have a great time together.

    Once you come home, try to do everything with your baby, feed, bathe, play whatever, weekdays and on weekends. All the best!
     
  5. Shrikha

    Shrikha Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Justani,lakshmina & muskaan,

    Thanks for all your wonderful replies. I have been doing all that with my kid, and he is normal at times and sometimes he completely ignores me. Now even my DH feels like me, he also complains that our kid does not bond with him. I have suggested him to spend time with him, but DH comes home only by 10 and most of the time my kid is asleep by that time, so he gets to see his dad only on weekends.

    On weekends, when I spend time with my kid he is ok, I think he too misses us on week days and hence showing his anger this way :bonk.
    I will surely try all the different activities you have suggested with a little innovation, probably I should never give up on my kid. Was feeling very depressed on that day and hence I wanted to know if its normal.
    Thanks for your support and suggestions, feel a lot better.
    Hopefully as time passes our issues get resolved like the way lakshmina mentioned.

    Once again thanks friends.
     
  6. Mevitha

    Mevitha New IL'ite

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    Dear Shrika,

    I too was in the same situation once. My in-laws were there till my DS was around 5 months.I realized this soon after I started working in his 3rd month and started taking care of my DS completly after I came back from work...i.e giving bath, giving food, playing..etc.. I used to cook and do housework when he slept.

    Always be cheerful and patient with your DS. Kids quickly catch up with our feelings.
    Happy mothering!!!
     
  7. lesasue86

    lesasue86 New IL'ite

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    Its just normal to feel depressed when your kid is not responding to your love. Actually most mothers feel guilty about not staying with there kids and kids are like they stick around with people who love them and care them and play with them.
     

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