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No Birthday Wishes To My Son From In-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by beingmom, Feb 23, 2018.

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  1. beingmom

    beingmom Silver IL'ite

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    It might sound like a small issue, but i'm so worked up on this. Out of two daughter in laws, I'm the least favorite one as ours was a love marriage. However, we are the only one giving them money and they visited us multiple times in the past few years. I understand it's our duty and I have no problem with it.

    For other grand kids birthdays and my sister in law birthdays, my MIL would ping us multiple times to make sure we wish them on time. My MIL birthday was 3 days before my son's birthday. We both wished and even then she'd reminded us to wish her on her tamil birthday.

    I'm really angry that my in laws didn't even bother to wish my son on his birthday. Until now, they never called us for any of our birthdays. Even for my daughter's first birthday, it was only an e-greeting although my MIL is a heavy whatsapp user and could have called to wish her. Although it bothers me that they sent only e-greetings, my husband is happy as long as they remember the kids birthdays.

    When they visited us a couple of years back, my mother in law acted wrong and I stopped talking to her in the last month before they left. We didn't invite them for a couple of years and I didn't talk to my mother in law until her this-year birthday.

    In-laws spent almost 9 months with my son and he just turned 4. I just don't know how they can forget his birthday when my in-laws remember everyone else's birthday in the family and expect us to wish everyone on time.

    We were feeling guilty for not inviting them again to US and just recently asked them to visit us again (shame on me for forgetting the past incidents). Now I'm wondering why we should do this considering they don't care about anyone in our family. When they visit us, my in laws doesn't help on a single thing. My MIL would expect me to cook on time and expects us to take them out every single week. She has a problem if we go for free events. Expects frequent long trips. They have food restrictions as well. So I need to cook and carry food everywhere we go. Lots of work for me with no peace of mind. They even tried to create misunderstanding between my husband and I.

    After knowing that they didn't wish my son, my husband is ok to not invite them and let the request go. I just am not able to accept the fact that they don't care about our family and just want to enjoy their US trip. Why should we sponsor their fun trip when it's going to be a nightmare for me and no love for the family. However, I'm feeling guilty to say no if they talk about the upcoming trip.

    So far I have managed (?) my in-laws well as my husband and I are on the same page. He was quite surprised that they didn't wish my son.

    My husband and I work full time with a tight schedule. I'm scared to bring them (even before this incident) because i'd have to work more. Even on days when I am running out of time, my MIL will not help. They'd expect us to order food outside (only from specific restaurants no matter how far they are).

    I'm also trying a new venture and hope to spend my free time there. Whenever in-laws visited, all my other interests were on hold because I would be spending all the time in the kitchen. They wouldn't even offer to take care of the kid even for an hour.

    On the other hand. they don't expect us to follow their suggestions or advice. Although they cannot see me taking decisions for the family, they'd adjust because their son is on my side.

    I hope to get your feedback on what you'd do if you were in my shoes. Would you stick with your offer to invite them or let go of the invite?
     
    VinuthaS likes this.
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  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    After reading your post I feel you shouldn't invite them.
     
    shri0218, abla, shravs3 and 1 other person like this.
  3. paru123

    paru123 Silver IL'ite

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    You could have asked them how they could forget to wish on your sons birthday when they remember every other birthdays.
     
  4. beingmom

    beingmom Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the suggestion. However, we are not that close and I really don't prefer unnecessary conflict. That's why I stopped talking to my MIL after she created issue last time. AND, It doesn't matter anymore. He is their grandkid and they should have remembered his birthday (considering that they remember everyone else's birthday and my MIL was just 3 days before my son's). I'm not able to come to peace with it.
     
    shri0218 likes this.
  5. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    @beingmom Sureit hurts. And MILs know how to manipulate emotions. Ideally dont gime them that power to hurt.

    But since this is upsetting you , do something for your own satisfaction . Next time you talk to her on phone, mention, " It was your grandson's birthday on this day. You didnt even Whatsapp call to talk to him. It hurt me . Even you son was hurt. But it's ok, we will get used to this."

    Nah, she will not change, may even do drama . But you will have the satisfaction of having said that to her face.
     
    sangeethakripa and GeetaKashyap like this.
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You are blessed that your husband and you are on the same page and that he's not a momma's boy. Read some of the stories here. They are hair-raising. In our marriage we have agreed that each of us will handle communication and logistics with our respective families of origin. Let your husband take the lead with his parents.
     
  7. beingmom

    beingmom Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the response. I agree to disagree. As you said, they'll just say we forgot and move on. I don't give them the satisfaction by showing my hurt. I can cope up with it in a different way.

    I just want to know what others would do in my situation when it comes to inviting parents.
     
    GeetaKashyap likes this.
  8. beingmom

    beingmom Silver IL'ite

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    Trust me.. It took me years to gain trust. I stopped sharing negative things about my in laws when my husband defended them the first time without even hearing my story. It took him years to open up to me and more years to be on the same page. Even now I compromise on a lot of things. But I put my foot down if it's going overboard and affecting my self-respect.

    In our marriage, we both decide the communication plan together. My husband is not a great communicator and gets angry quickly. He is very direct and it would affect the relationship in the long run. My intention is not to cut ties with in-laws altogether.

    I just want to know what others would do in my situation when it comes to inviting in-laws to US.
     
    Amica likes this.
  9. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    You can make your kid tell your in laws tat why his grand parents dint wish him on his birthday when all others wished him and where is his bday gift! Tat way they at least feel the guilt when small kid is asking ! And regarding the visit to US only if your husband is interested in their visit you can book for them . Instead of 6 months reduce the duration since I guess you guys need to book and pay for the trip ! Ask your husband to tell them that this time no expensive trips since budget is tight ! Take only short trips!And can also Tell them nowadays it’s not safe anywhere since there are some shootings happening everywhere so to be on safer side better to avoid trips ! Can mention about the Las Vegas shooting ! Since your husband and you are on same page it shudnt matter much ! And tell your husband tat it’s really difficult to manage home and work when they come suggest him about some domestic help for few days in a week! You can hire Indian cooks!
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    There could be many reasons to forget wishing for a birthday. Could be a genuine one like they forgot or something less pleasant. Note that they forgot, and move on. Don't brood on it. Don't try to ask them why they didn't. Wishes, showing respect, blessings should come unbidden.

    Don't connect the birthday wishes thing to inviting them or not. Hosting them means a lot of work, you are in the kitchen for ever, they don't help at all with your child, are demanding about food cooked or ordered from outside, want to be taken out every weekend. These are reason enough to not invite them. Invitation should be from the heart and if you can reasonably afford the time, effort and money it takes. If not, don't invite. Keep it simple. Life is beautiful. Ensoi. :grinning:
     
    VinuthaS, sindmani and Sandycandy like this.
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