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Newlywed and my husband has a chinese lover

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by vinithavinu, Jul 29, 2010.

  1. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yep my thought too...I was just thinking one more thing here might be vinitha can answer this...

    Now she is in a very emotional state...everything seems clueless and confusing, life and dreams seem shattered...she might be angry and feeling helpless at the same time...so with all these emotions running high..it wont do any good...to handle such situations, she needs to be strong, and FIRM. She has to show that she wont take a step back in dragging him to court in what so ever cheating he is doing after marriage. As she is saying that she has proofs.

    Vinitha

    Enough time wasted ...Tell your husband you are calling your parents and inlaws and will show them the proofs and see how he reacts (Ask him as he has nothing to fear because he is not intouch with her as per him ). Whether good / bad, just please involve them in this and let them know...the moment you take more time, they might turn around and ask you why did you take all this crap this long..you should have told us in the begining itself..now things have gone out of our hands etc..etc...so dont wait..Your story would be an eye opener for your sister and your parents and sister would ensure they know everything about the bridegroom before they marryoff your sister.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2010
  2. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    First of all stop all intimacy if any , the man is clearly taking advantage of the fact that you are scared of society and family . His attitude of take it or leave it means that he doesnt care at all. Maybe he was pressurised into the marriage by his family who must be knowing his life style.
    Obviously the guy does care for the chinese lady ,as he is still seeing her. He must have convinced her that he was forced into the marriage.
    Take up a job if you can and plan for your life. It is not easy to forgive or forget if the hubby is not even trying.
    Its easy to say adjust and carry on but very difficult to tolerate something which one just cannot endure.
    The guy is not bothered as he has made his family happy , he has his chinese GF and a wife at home.
    Ask your parents to do a thorough check on the sisters fiance.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2010
  3. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    I think it all depends where you want to go with this. In your heart, you want to keep him or dump him..you have to answer that. Do you have atleast a miniscule worth of affection for him? Do you think he can change? Are you seeing him making a little effort?

    Time to shake him up full impact :)...

    I think Vinitha, though it is hard for you to forget his past do make an effort. Nowadays, this is all very common. Especially with a boy who stays so many miles far away. I feel 8 out of 10 boys probably already have done this and go to india and get married and clean their slate. Nobody ever knows and they behave as if it were just "bachelor fun". There are so many from my college(even the timid shy ones) who we know have done premarital sex/affairs before they go back home to marry a nice indian girl. I think its primarily ego to have one. Who wants to be a 40 yr old virgin in the 21st century!!!

    Its a little twisted in your case as the moron is still keeping in touch.

    i feel...

    let bygones be bygones and think of it this way that you weren't a part of his past and that was his choice of living. BUT do give him a strong ultimatum. Give him a phone call grace date where he can tell her "get out from my life, I have a wife now". After that period, if he is still mingling...I'd say kick his sorry butt and move on with your life.

    By all means ask him to make you a joint name on his account for your security. Order to know his phone passwords. Tell him nicely, why are there passwords between us. Check his every record. Dont just keep a memory of your proof, click pictures or video record it. If he gets difficult, tell the elders and threaten him with an annulment. If he still doesnt budge, then think he is forward to a point of no return.

    I would give him the benefit of doubt for atleast 3 days to see if he breaks total contact. If he doesnt go on him full force. Please do not have any sexual contact with him and definately no babies. Dont let him lure you in to the "indian innocent wife trap".

    P.S about annulment, every state has its own laws about annulment. There is no time line for annulment as far as i know but I do know that you need strong documented proof. You can contact the free attorneys in your state to know where you stand with this. You would have to start collecting documented proof(print outs, photographs, taped conversations, phone records) against him now.

    if you ask me, I would install a spy software on his personal computer when he is not watching. That would track his every activity online.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2010
  4. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Vinitha,

    Srivi has given you enough advise.. please take some action immediately.

    and until all this is resolved please do not have any "bedroom" life with this husband of yours. You have to resolve all this and then start leading your personal life.

    When you say you dont have access to his bank accounts, I have one question, do you have enough money with you ?
    If a situation of crisis comes up , will you be able to get a taxi and get a flight ticket to return to india ?
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2010
  5. vinithavinu

    vinithavinu New IL'ite

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    SriVidhya and Ranchu,
    I agree that I can't keep sitting mum going through all this. Yes, I will be able to manage financially up to a certain extent now. I will take action very soon. One thing that keeps bringing me down is that that I am from a traditional family, with no history of divorce in my extended family. I am not sure what tags I will have to carry for no fault of mine. I am not ready to blame in on my Karma or anything. I feel all human beings need to have some sort of responsibility in their lives towards themselves and others. If not, this is what happens. Thanks for all your support and advice.
     
  6. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Vinitha,

    I totally understand. This is totally out of your hands and am sure your parents will be supportive. Please do not care about the extended family . If they truly an extended "family" they will understand , else they are just public audience who like to mock at others. and you should care about them.

    I've seen such situations in my own family and the key thing is you need to be very very Strong ! thats the only back-bone for your parents to be brave. More than you , your parents may feel more guilty by blaming this on themselves (for choosing this alliance). so be Strong and keep them going.

    Good luck !
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2010
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Vini

    Accidents do happen in life...we cant keep looking back at what happened and worry over it isnt it?? arranged marriages specifically are like gambling...so everyone has to be ready to take the risks associated with it. so what, if you had to separate from him, if people talk, let them...see they wont come and take care of you if you fall sick or they wont come and help you when you are in dire need of something?? would they help you in getting your husband on track?? NO, did they help you or your parents in finding the right groom?? No...so in what way are these so called relatives or society even eligible to talk about you??

    Yes its going to be super duper hard..but if you walk on that hard path now after coupleof months you would be back to normal...who knows might be you would get remarried, you would have a great life..or might be some guy would just be in love with you head over heels..there are so many might bes...but living in pain is not the choice you have to take...because this hard path has no happy ending...so walk on the other hard path...i.e following your heart and mind...you sure would be happy that you atleast chose what you wanted to do rather than silently bearing it for the sake of society..

    Also, just go to India, look for a job, start working ina city where you dont have any relatives. for sometime avoid everyone. Manage yourself all alone..face the lifes difficulties..you would know there are many more things in life that you have to worry about and take care of rather than sticking to a untrustworthy husband. Stand on your feet, see and mingle with people, then you sure would be able to figure out a fraud from a real one next time. Be positive and Be hopeful...this marriage is not just the end of the world for you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2010
  8. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    This exact attitude of mine, made me and my parents suffer for 7 long years. I am glad I do not think this way any more. Who know where my next generation will end up or even if I will have another generation?
     
  9. Chitra78

    Chitra78 New IL'ite

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    Hi Vinitha

    It is indeed very shocking to know abt your husband 's ex-martial realtionship.This is the time to think calmly and rationally.Don't tell your parents or other family members.I think most men who work abroad and have been bachelors for long have such friends, i wont generalize that if they talk that they have physical relationships.Your husband might be only talking to her as a friend.You should give some time before you can take amajor step.The best suggestion would be to become the vitemaese girl's friend then try to cut down the friendship slowly and very carefully.Dont threaten or take any steps before you find out what has been going on.Good luck

    Om sairam
     
  10. rr99

    rr99 Senior IL'ite

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    There are laws in the US that get this man into a lot of trouble if he witholds his bank accounts etc, its ABUSE.., sounds like you're putting up with a lot. If you really want to be sneaky , find out about this woman, Facebook etc, & make the details public or atleast threaten your philandering husband that you will, (knowledge is power!), if she has social connections that may be damaged if this comes out, feel free to wield your power, after all you didnt start this & you don't have to put up with this either!
    2. Start reading up on your rights & the laws that protect you, ..you're the victim here, & you shdnt have to face the humiliation!
    you as a wife can look up records that he may be concealing from you & if he threatens harm, go to the cops & get it registered.
    good luck with your life, hope it works out well!
     

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