Newlywed and my husband has a chinese lover

You can get an annulment in USA which gives you the same rights regarding financial settlements but it is a vehicle for those who entered into marriage with someone who married them under false pretenses. I think in this case this applies to you. The court documents will reflect that this situation occurred.

Some responses seem to indicate that you should "adjust" although that word is not used. Well you can adjust and live with someone who seems not a very good guy or you can adjust your idealism about the institution of marriage and find a better situation. You will have to judge which you feel more comfortable with.

I do recommend though that you don't get pregnant until you sort this out.

 

vinitha

Now that he is denying outright...why dont you catch him with proof? Gather all the proofs make him sit and GIVE the WARNINg. No point in beatingaround the bush and he denying it isntit?

Also WARN himif he doesnt STOP it and he has to work on gaining your trust, if not, you would let both side parents know and officially will file a cheating case. You can do that with the proofs you have (after you speak to him ensure that your eyes are on him all the time. Openly chk his phone logs, cell phone and land line bills, car gas mileage etc..) remember..sometimes when you take the ropes in your hands such guys come to senses..Inspite of all this if he strays..its better to separate rather than be with him and being treated like a useless furniture.

 

Very sad to hear this vineetha.
So, he is not position to even think of changing his character. right?
Try to give yourself some time and you may have some discussion with him.
If it works, then fine. Otherwise, think about yourself, its better to have a pleasant life rather than adjustment with characterless and ruthless guy. Sorry, if i said something wrong.
Om Sairam

 

Vinitha

My only concern is the more you live in this marriage, the more you would feel insecure as slowly his acts would make you beleive that you are fit for nothing or that you dont deserve to be happy etc (mental abuse) because he doesnt see anything wrong in being with another woman i.e like degrading his own life partner i.e you.

So why dont you temporarily pack your bags and go back to India and start looking for jobs or apply for a work visa..meanwhile let him also figure out what he wants to tell hispeople and friends and relatives as to why his new bride left him and came back home?

just like you have worries about society am sure he too might have something in mind...think about it...

what ever it is...please if you take a decision quickly the heart burn and pain would be less and it would be over soon, but the more you prolong in the name of adjustment, its hard to digest and let go of all this in future. and you would feel more powerless

 

Oh, oh wait. While extra marital affair is a real issue and he is wrong if he is continuing EMA and vinitha can request divorce on that basis, I am not sure if there is any false pretense before marriage.

The premarital sex is an INDIVIDUAL choice. Vinitha does not have a say in it. Ofcourse she can choose to walk away from this guy, and she has full right to do that.

If she had asked him question about this before marriage, and he had lied, then it is a false pretense. Else it is not a false pretense. That wont be bought in any court of law. But as I said, she can choose to walk away from this guy, and she has full right to do that but it wont be false pretense unless she asked him before marriage.

One cannot say "I implicitly assumed he never had premarital sex". Implicit assumption wont count, since there is nothing specifically wrong with PreMS except that it is an individual's choice.

 

Yes, prior to marriage interracial dating or premarital sex is his individual choice. There is nothing wrong with that.

Now, you may not want to be with someone who did that, that is entirely your choice. But he is NOT a bad person for being in that prior marriage. If he has any such thing now after marriage, then he is doing a serious mistake.


While this may not be entirely relevant to you - you may want to take a look at this thread in Indus Ladies to see different perspectives on this:
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/81899-is-premarital-sex-right.html

 

So, talking to him will not work anything good for you. As you were thinking about involving elders, try to contact them and let them know the situation. If they can sort out, its fine.
Otherwise, as spiderman & Tashidelek suggested, file for annulment or divorce.

Dont get panic and make a wise decision. Hope you feel better,
Om Sairam