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newly married facing MIL problems

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by reallyfedup, Jun 8, 2012.

  1. reallyfedup

    reallyfedup New IL'ite

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    Hi everyone! M new to this forum as a member, i used to read a lot though..

    Though all the troubles regarding MIL boil down to the same point, I thought I need my problem to be addressed. I got married 4 months back. We had got engaged a year before that. It was sort of a love cum arranged marriage. Now the thing is, during our courtship period, my MIL seemed very pleasant to talk to and friendly, just like my own mother. But since marriage the things have changed!

    I resumed my job 2 months after my marriage. In those 2 months, I came to know that she was very dis-satisfied with me the whole year, that she was worried whether I'll be able to take care of DH (only son) as she has, and that she got ill all the time in that year due to tensions, etc. She says that all the girls nowadays are very responsible, they study as well as learn household things, but since you have not learnt (or were not made to learn at home) I am playing the role of a mother though I am a MIL, etc. In something or the other, she finds a reason to let me know that I am lucky to have her as MIL because some other MIL might have shouted at me and not accepted my faults. Actually, I do cook well and my husband is very fond of dishes I cook, but since I had to learn what they cook in their home, I never interfered with her teaching, but she took that as inability and now takes the credit for my knowing how to cook!

    She never says anything in front of my husband because she says when we're together, she doesnt want to interfere with our talks. And she waits for any chance that my husband is not around to pounce on me with her dis-satisfaction. She doesnt like me talking to my girlfriends because according to her, they'll poison my mind and get tensions in the home! She doesnt even like to mingle with my parents and gives an excuse that she wants to avoid mis-communications so she doesnt communicate at all! If me and my husband travel to my hometown (3 hours distance), MIL and FIL think, my husband will get tired due to travelling and that I dont care for his health n should understand that true love does not demand, etc.

    She reminds me every other day that her son has seen how they have brought him up and that he knows that mum-dad comes first so he will never go against them. He can throw away his wife but will never say anything to mum-dad. (I do know they've brought him up as a prince but dont understand the insecurity! Why would I want my husband to break up with parents!)

    I really dont understand what her problem is and how to solve it. If I cook well, it is not fast enough, if I cook fast, it is just luck! She wants me to duplicate myself to her lines, which is not possible! She does give a lot of privacy to us, talks good things about me n my parents, but somewhere I know, she thinks I'm not good enough and has to put up with me because her son married me. She thinks my parents are too social and that we should not be like that because it ruins the childs upbringing, manners and education!! Excuse me! I was brought up perfectly fine, and I'm not a girl gone bad with hundreds of boyfriends because my parents had friends! In fact, the only person who I fell for was her son!! Also, I'm a lawyer just like her son and last time I checked, my behavior is never mannerless! I dont ever say anything to her too!!

    Please help! I seriously need some tips to win her over. I know she loves her son very much, but I want her to know that I'm not going to break the family apart and just want some acceptance instead of criticism and being under the scanner all the time!
     
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  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    I am glad you mentioned that your DH is her only son. This is nothing but possessiveness and that her son's love for you will win over his lover for his mother over a period of time. Her statements that you should not socialize is incorrect unless you are going wild in parties. Parents with outgoing personality will raise wonderful children who would interact well with their friends and families. If your DH likes your cooking, there is nothing to correct further. If your MIL is introvert, leave her alone and don't force her to do anything that you may like to do at the same time, don't take anything that she says very seriously. Her telling you that your DH will do anything for his parents including throwing you out, is nothing but trash talk. After all, the love is mutual and he loved you as much a you loved him.

    There are no instant solution for this but the time would make her understand that you are not in this marriage to break their family. Mostly, having children would also change this for good. However, continue to do a lot of talking with her and make her think that your MIL and FIL are part of your life. This will increase their confidence and reduce their insecurity. Instead of your MIL telling that your DH is her son first, you keep telling her that your DH is her son first before he is my DH.

    Don't have any suspicion that your husband won't stand up to protect you unless he had done something concrete to feel that way. Trash talk from your MIL is to pass the insecurity from her to you. You remain firm in believing that nothing will affect your life and continue to have good relationship with your husband. I honestly believe your MIL requires psychological help but it might be too hard to handle it at this point.

    Viswa
     
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  3. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    Fear and insecurity.

    Ignore if husband is also ignoring her accusations.

    If he is believing her and if it affects your relationship with him, speak up.
     
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  4. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    LOL, at this rate all psychiatrist's clinics would be crowded with Indian mils of dils. I am trying to conjure up the image. Obedient and caring dil accompanies mil to the clinic. Once in the room, mil will occupy the psychiatrist's couch (because she being older it is her right to lie down, dil should remain sitting/standing). From the esteemed position the esteemed mil will inform the psychiatrist that her dil needs psychiatric help. A classical scene from the Hindi serial "tu tu main main" will follow. The obedient dil will say, "no mil, you first. After all you are older than me. How can I intrude into your rights? The first pregorative to treatment is yours maji". This will drive mil more furious. Ultimately the two will be left fighting, while the psychiatrist quietly slips into the room of his professional colleague and goes, lies down on his couch requesting help. :rotfl

    Sorry for this flight of fancy. Due apologies Viswa for taking off. Please forgive me OP for this, but sometimes it helps to have a good laugh.

    Now to be serious, yes, you do have problems with your mil. It could be a combination of insecurity as well as ego hassles because it was a love marriage. Next time she says her son will prefer to throw you out rather than be disrespectful to his parents, just ask her why she agreed to her son getting married at all if she wanted him to throw out his wife and love only her. As for her claim that having too many friends can interfere with the good upbringing of a child, just ignore. Let her live with her opinions, you do whatever you and your husband are comfortable with. If she accuses your mom of not teaching you how to cook, just smile sweetly and say your mom wanted you to learn to cook the way your in-laws like and that is why she did not teach you her recipes.

    It is still very early days for you. Things will slowly settle down. Fortunately for you there are positive points as well. Firstly, no one is black or white - all of us come in various shades of grey. Time can change a lot of things, and provided you are careful how you tread (am not saying you should never talk back even under the worst provocation, but do choose your words and be a "meethi choori" - a sweet knife) things should be better with time. Say things in a way that no one will know that you were playing with words and cannot use it against you. (You have the advantage of being in a profession where you learn to pick out the weak points in the other side's arguments. Apply it here while talking back - pretend you are talking to a judge, so do it most respectfully). Eventually you will get used to them, or they will get used to you or both of you will get used to each other. Ignoring them will be easier then.
     
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  5. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with the above posts..ur MIL has insecurity and she is possessive abt her son! She is acting very similar to the way my MIL did in initial months of my marriage and even today she does this "MY SON, APPLE OF MY EYE WONT LEAVE ME ALONE AND GO ANYWHERE!" :rotfl
    I am working and I cook, do take care of the house still she will say I used to do this, see how well I cook, my son loves the food I make, u haven't yet learned how to cook well, when will u learn, when u will improve..blah blah..list is endless..
    Mine is also love cum arranged marriage..so she will act like like that, as if u should be obliged to let u marry her son..ignore..there will be many things on which she will show her insecurity. Her son married u and wanted to marry u against her choice, its very natural for her to feel insecure as for u, her son (who listened to her for years and agreed to her, didn't agree to marry anyone else but u!). So it will take time for u to adjust to her habits and she understanding u.
    You wont believe when I get up in the morning to get ready for office (even after 1.5 yrs) my MIL gives me lectures on cooking, how to manage home, my hubby's schedule and lunch! When she is not around I do it all and my DH is fine with it, but when she is there she feels what I do is wrong way and she is right and I should do that which I do but since I can't copy her ways (in cooking n all) she finds faults in me! Now the only way is ignore, coz if I listen to it, my mood is spoiled so better don't respond, do ur routine and leave for work!
    She will be insecure for sometime and show her displeasure with ur ways, but be patient and don't reply back as it will make things bad, specially between ur DH and u. It's been just 4 months, so after sometime she will know u wont respond or to create a scene and she won't get a chance to bad mouthing abt u to ur DH as ur DH will know that it's his mom who has probs with u and not u (and this helps..my DH knows his mom does over-talking and over-thinking and he tells me to ignore it! :thumbsup). Yes, tell ur DH that u feel bad but don't do bad mouthing abt ur MIL as it will make him feel bad as no one wants to listen bad things abt their parents. Ignore her talks, be patient and enjoy ur time with DH! :thumbsup
     
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  6. reallyfedup

    reallyfedup New IL'ite

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    thank u guys! I know time does solve everything but waiting for someone else to understand you, when your parents understood you just by a look on your face is very difficult. Some people (read: MIL) have the ability to make u feel useless! I've never felt this way earlier, like being in a position, where even if you try harder than ever in your life, you're just INCOMPETENT..!

    I dont know what my DH knows about her behavior because I never tell him anything. I dont want to create any misunderstandings if time heals everything. I also fear that he will not like it.

    I just feel so helpless sometimes, it feels good to know so many people face the same problem, so I'm not actually useless, right!

    Thanks to forums like this, I can blabber without being judged harshly!!
     
  7. aj_fathima

    aj_fathima Bronze IL'ite

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    I'm married for 10 years but still couldn't satisfy MIL in anything.

    So started to ignore.But still hurts at times.
     
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  8. aashuabhi

    aashuabhi Gold IL'ite

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    Dear,

    My MIL was also like this when i got married. I am a north indian while my husband is south indian, so she always finds fault in how north indians do. Even cooking wise, though i make good food, but because i could not make nice SI food, she used to tell me that you should learn this and that.

    First 1 year was really difficult but i understood her that she is just insecure and want to break her family but when she saw that his son sends her money even after marriage and when she comes i let her cook and myself make SI dishes. She understood that i am here to make a family with her and now she tells me that i will get a NI girl for my DH younger brother and even a SI girl could not have taken care of her like me :thumbsup
     
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  9. reallyfedup

    reallyfedup New IL'ite

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    Hey ashuabhi!!

    Lucky you :) nice to hear that things become normal after all..

    Sometimes I feel like running away, its nice to know that I wont have to do that after all!! :p
     
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  10. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand dear that one feels really bad as I have been thru this! MILs act as if they are the most intelligent women who are the best and u r some dumb woman who knows nothing! My MIL goes on n on in her self praise and on how well she has done it all with her kids, home and her circle! She will try to portray as if she knows it all and I am the one who has lived her life the wrong way and she wants to correct me! I feel like telling her get lost but I can't! I have to bear with her but ignoring her irrelevant talks is the only way, just listen from one ear n take it out from next!

    Ur DH knows her and he can sense her insecurity, since u have a love marriage he must be knowing her responses and reactions well. Yes we all feel fed up, at times I feel I will go crazy, at times I just vent my feelings b4 my DH as to how bad/frustrated I feel but I think he knows it as he faces it himself by seeing how insecure his mom acts many times. But now her lectures frequency is a bit reduced as she knows I wont buzz to her talks n her ideas. So be a little patient as with time u will know the instances u can avoid her drama and how to tackle her (yes with time u learn to put up with such drama and she will know u wont buzz). And ur DH will also see his mom's insecurities..and we are here for u to listen to ur rantings! :)
     
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