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Newly married and facing problems with husband. Pls help!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sweetcute023, Jun 18, 2012.

  1. sweetcute023

    sweetcute023 New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,
    I am new to this forum. I am facing some problems with my husband. I would appreciate any help/suggestions to improve my married life.
    I got married 6 mnths back. Its an arranged marriage.we met twice before the enagagement and 2-3 times after engagement then he left for his place of work as he works in a foreign country. there was a gap of 6 mnths between engagement and marriage.
    I and my husband belong to the same city and same community but have different mindsets and have been raised differently.
    after the weddng, my husband left in 15 days .I joined my husband 2 mnths after the weddng as i was working in India and had to serve my notice period..
    Things have not been smooth ever since I moved here. Infact the 15 days that we spent together in Indai,my husband was not that affectionate, loving towards me.
    he was affectionate to me only 2-3 days after the weddng.. he never initiated sex during his 15 day stay in India after weddng.. despite going for honeymoon.. When I tried to talk about it, he said he cannot have sex with a stranger and cannot behave differently just because he got married. also since we had just spoken on phone during the 6 mths after engagement and not actually met in person , he said it was difficult for him to develop feelings towards me.
    he is of the opinion that to have sex you must know that person very well. I thought about his perspective on this and respected his decision.. he told me that once I join him in his place of work, our married life would begin and we will spend time with each other and get to know each other etc.
    after moving here, my husband was good, he took me for sight seeing, dinners, movies etc.. but we also started having fights and arguments because of his behaviour towards me.
    my husband has been living alone for the past 7-8 yrs.. so he is used to too much of a personal space and lot of freedom. also his nature is very secretive...he generally doesnt tell many thngs abt him.. unless asked.
    i discovered this during our 6 mthsn of phone talk.
    he is very very practical in nature and I am very emotional and sensitive. when I moved heere and saw that he was treating me as a stranger.. sometimes he bahved well but most of the times was ver formal
    I also noticed that once back from work, he did not even initiate any talk with me. he used to spend long hrs on the couch watching tv and browsing on laptop or playing woth his smart phone.
    If I initiated the talk he used to talk but not much..he doesnt like being asked many questions.. he has literally told me that I am a nagging wife and make him answerable for everythng

    May be I was at fault sometime but is it not natural to expect spouse to spend time with u once back from wrk ?espeically when we are newly married and when I am alone all day..it was he who said we will get to know each other once we start living together.
    things have worsened between us in the last 2 mnths.. a few things that bother/ sadden me about my spouse are:
    1)he says he cannot connect with me on an intellectual level. he even went to the extent of comparing me with another girl he had seen and met before deciding to marry me. kepps teling me that he connected with he within minutes of meetng but the girl said no.. hence the proposal did not move forward.
    2)expects me to be very independent. which I am actually . not working but i am not so dependent.. I got adjusted very soon in this forign country .. infact with in a week and now mange to travel alone. always compares me with his cousin who also happens to stay here in this city.. says she is very independent and dos not go everywhere with her husband..
    3)expects too much space and privacy for himself. like closing the door when talking to colleagues/family members.. which is ok.. but in some cases annoys me.
    like sometimes when we go out, and on way back home he decides to go to a store, he tels me to go home and he goes alone to the store even if ita 10 in the night.
    4)whenever we go for sight seeing, he is pretty much on his own and expects me also to be independent.. eg: suppose we go to a museum. he generally does not talk .. I have to initiate it.
    so even when we are out there is no sense of togetherness. is it wrong to expect togetherness ?
    5) does not take any steps to build intimacy.. does not share anything with me... abt his wrk, friends.when I try to ask, he says i am trying to eb nosy, nagging and intrusive. if I dont talk how would we know each other?
    4)since he has lived abroad and alone for past 7-8 yrs he has developed globalised mindset with regards to marriage... and that scares me..
    he has female friends and colleagues whom he meets for dinner sometimes to discuss profesisonal matters and sometimes just to catch up.. and we have had multiple arguments in the last 1 mnth abt this topic..
    I told him to minimize his interaction with girls/female colleagues now that he is married. he was very angry with me.. he said he is not going to stop that.
    what is wrong in asking my husband to restrict his interaction with other females..? my husband is a nice person.. he has good character informs me where is going , what time he will be home etc.. but I don't like him being too comfortable with girls..
    we are still trying to know each other and are yet to develop that emotional security and trust... and during this time if he fights and chooses to spend time with female colleagues wouldn't it hurt me?
    he has introduced me to 2-3 colleagues of his who happen to be couples. when I asked about introductine me to female colleagues whom h meets , he said they are not close and he meets them for professional reasons and I am not needed there.,
    he also added that he cannot include me in every meeting with his female friend/colleague.My expectation is that he should make our relationship a priority in his life now and try to avoid doing aythng that causes a conflict and misunderstanding between us.
    and I felt that he devotes more time to his work, coleagues and friends. We actually get time only on weekends and whatever time we spend with each other does not create any sense of togetherness

    6) he leaves early in the morng..and expects me to stay in bed until he leaves.. which is very annoying.. I egt up to prepare tea, and finish some work and he questions me
    good thing is he does not have tea and brkfast at home and so I dont have to bother abt that. he thinks I get up and watch him get ready which is actually false. I get up because I want to and not because he is leaving. I told him that I get up to do my thngs and not to watch him. but still sometimes he does not like that.
    7)I have to beg him to spend time with me.. he does his own shopping, including eatables, and expects me to do the same.. my concern is if he does not spend time with me how will we know each other? how will we build intimacy? I am just trying to spend some quality time with hm through shopping, talking, and going out.. but nothng works...

    2 weeks back we had a major fight because he went to meet a forigner female colleague of his and turned up late due to traffic issues.. he thought I suspected him.. and lashed out on me.. he has asked me to change my mindset and said he would also try to mend things..he has given me an ultimatum that if things don't improve, he would leave me..

    I am depressed. I have started confiding abt this to my mom and sis in india and they are also worried. husband confided in his sisters and mother and they have been posioning his mind abt me.. infact sis in law had called me to discuss abt me not allowing him to meet females. I refused to talkto her. told hubby tht i am not comfortable discussing these thngs with her.

    I have also started looking for jobs and spend time at library. read books on relationships but the insights I gained cannot be put in to practice unless I know my husband. whenever i try to get close to him, he drives me away. have tried to talk to my husband many times abt this but he does not nderstandmy feelings. and we end up fighting.
    pls help.

    Thanks
     
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2012
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  2. satin

    satin Silver IL'ite

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    I dont have much advice for you,but if you are sure that you wanted to be with guy forever(please dont mistake me,just confirming) please try to have a kid soon and no postponements,bcos the problem will get worse after the baby enters in the family,my hubby is somewhat like yours on the freedom part,he was alon for 10 yrs,so he was too independant but other traits were good,but after we had the baby things changed so much,your hubby will keep postponing having a baby since it is too much work after that,so have a baby soon.
     
  3. RamyaSridhar1978

    RamyaSridhar1978 Gold IL'ite

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    It's really unfortunate , I think your hubby is still in the bacholer stage. ..I would beg to differ from the post from the user on having a baby.. No way .. Its a huge responsibility and in the intial years when you cannot devote much time to your husband due to the baby it will alienate things further.
    My understanding is not interfer in hs work let him meet , do things as he has always been doing . You too search fr a job and get busy .. May be when you people will get less time with each other it will be valued more as quality time. ... Try calling couples for dinners, join them fr outings increase your time spent with families the more he will see the more he will understand ." is difficult to adjust immediately from being alone to be married .
    So far may be he as always viewed single people or people with no great family structure hence such an issue.
     
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  4. hivid

    hivid Silver IL'ite

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    Hi
    Its really bad that your husband is behaving like this. But I would say give it some time. While i understand that he should spend time with you and get close to you I would not endorse in you being possessive about him. If you are sure he is a nice guy then try not to doubt him. I can totally understand your frustration and its easier for me to say this but I feel if he sees his change in you he might also start changing. Try visiting friends if you have, try calling people over and engage yourself in something.Let him know that you are not dependent on him.Get a job.
    But I am not too convinced with Satin's suggestion of having a kid soon. Kid is a huge responsibility and you need his support for this. And the reason for having a kid should not be this.
    Just wait and watch for some more time and bring in some change in you. May be he is just meeting his friends (girls) to run over professional matters. Dont judge until you are sure.
     
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  5. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    How to have baby when the guy is not even intimate with op. It takes two have baby.
    Anyway what you are doing is right. Looking for job, visiting lib, being independent, keeping sil out of the personal problem conversation.
    Now, develop relationship with the married girls your h has introduced. Call them, meet them. Invite them home.
    Ignore h for now. Let him crave for attention.
    Just a red flag how can a guy not even touch you after so many months of marriage. I see something wrong.
    Hope you can talk to him and get professional help.
     
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  6. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think maybe you should lay low regarding his female colleagues for now. First build a relationship with him,make him comfortable with you and THEN think about them. If your basis of relation is not strong,no point blaming others. You have to be strong. So what if he connected with the other girl within minutes? The end story is that girl rejected him! There goes his choice!! He needs to open up his mind and give you a chance. Ask him directly if he regrets marrying you and doesnt want this relationship.If not,then he needs to include you in his life.Either you have to sit with him and reason out your feelings or start planning small things like watching tv together,going out on weekends.
     
  7. Maggie2009

    Maggie2009 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi sweetcute,
    it is probably just some teething troubles that most arranged marriages have. maybe he is so used to being alone, maybe he is entirely happy that way- no offence to you.try and pull him into conversations- however inane they might be. nobody can remain grim and cold everyday for no reason- he will have to thaw. and c'mon, ending up with your intellectual equal is not the only requirement for happiness in a marriage.you are in no way inferior to him or some nameless girl that he met. he married you not her and don't lose anymore sleep over these things.
    try breathing some life into his life- redo the house, add small touches of your own, make sure you make your presence felt in every way.that way, you will also be more occupied and happy being home.try trusting him about his activities and don't keep tabs on him all the time.launch a full on charm offensive- show him what you've got.take heart, it has only been a few months.relax, smile and get to know him more.

    And,never ever ever ever rush into the baby bandwagon simply to gain attention from him or to mend other problems you might have in the marriage. you have plenty of time to have a baby when you are much more secure about your bond with him. good luck
     
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  8. fencesitter

    fencesitter Platinum IL'ite

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    is it a total lack of intimacy?? If so, then the issue has to be addressed now it self. And some people are loners, may be from birth or due to life experiences. Your husband sounds like a loner and secretive by nature. Does not necessarily mean he is hiding something. I guess, he is so used to that lifestyle that he is resisting changes now. Yes it is childish on his part but suffocating him will make matters worse. Take small steps and see where it goes.
     
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  9. sweetcute023

    sweetcute023 New IL'ite

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    Thanks a ton all of you for all ur suggestions/advice. feel better.
    Yes My husband is good guy.. I am sure abt his character. cos he himself said that if he had fallen in love with someone he would have married her..andwouldnt have cared even if she was of different religion. just this long wait to build our relationship makes me insecure and I ended up asking him some questions which hurt him. he is good to me..but lately due to major fights we have not been talking much tthe distance is just growing..he is a reserved person.. and I am very talkative. I just want him to listen to me when I talk and not just jump to conclusion /judge me. he says he does not have a topic to talk to me..
    physical intimacy does happen but not sex...he says that cannot happen unless we develop emotional intimacy or become friends.donno what holds him back. he is tryig to simulate dating in a already married relationship and I just don't understand that. anyways I feel the sooner I get a job the better the things will be.. he has become too secure abt my presence in his ife.. and yes I agree thinking of a baby so soon is not the solution.thanks again..
     
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  10. gulaal

    gulaal Bronze IL'ite

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    I find this fishy..I am not here to scare you, but take it as a warning..Its strange that you are married for 6 months, and till now there is no intimacy. Also, as you say, your hubby wants to become friend with you, before indulging into any relation, then why he is not taking it seriously. Seems, he is not interested in this relation.
    It's high time that you confront him, but do it politely. You don know him fully, and may be he becomes violent.
    Is there any other woman in his life? you have to find out. He compares you with other girl proposal, that means may be he is not contented with this relation.
    Please confide this to your close friend and sister. It would be better.
    Please don't plan baby yet, you may be in a fix later. Also, since he is not close to you, i don think there is any probability.
     
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