Newly married....6 months back...needs some advise...Thanks

Nami,

Your husband wouldnt have married you,a non-muslim if he was knee deep into Islam. He sounds liberal and easy going and dont get intimidated when someone portrays a bleak picture of future.

 

I just wish to share what I have seen in a good friend's marriage. They are also a Hindu-Muslim pair. The husband is a Telugu Brahmin from a very orthodox family. The wife is an Indian Muslim born and raised in an Islamic nation. They met while working for an IT company in Bangalore, fell in love and had registered married against the wishes of both sets of parents. All was fine and dandy when they were dating and in the initial days of marriage but trouble started almost the day she found out that she was pregnant.

Their first fight was over what they would name the baby. They could not come to an agreement at all. We (friends) suggested finding a religion neutral name (yes, not easy, I know) or to give the baby two names - one Hindu and one Muslim. Wife vetoed this idea immediately. Claimed that since last name would be a Telugu Brahmin name, first name should be *only* Muslim name. After terrible fights, husband compromised. For delivery, her parents came. All hell broke lose as soon as they landed. The baby was a boy, so MIL started to demand that he be circumcised even before he left the hospital. Husband disagreed. MIL and SNIL had hot words right there in the hospital with the wife not even saying one word to shut up her mother. Then came naming ceremony and other functions. For everything, wife and MIL ganged up on the poor husband and dominated everything and held everything in Islamic fashion. FIL was even more diabolical. He was nicely advising the daughter to take the baby to the hospital when hubby went on tour to have him circumcised in his father's absence!

Wife began to read the Koran DAILY to the newborn - the MIL went around the house and got rid of all of the deity photos that the husband had put up around the place. They also started to demand that he convert to Islam. Husband put a stop to this nonsense and sent the in-laws packing home but remote control brain-washing and Koran reading continued.

Fast forward to two more years, another boy was born. Again same crap. But this time, hubby forced a Hindu name on the baby and the in-laws left in 10 days in a rage. This resulted in such a huge fight that the wife threatened divorce unless husband converted. He refused - they are now happily divorced, with the older boy being raised as a Muslim by the wife and the younger boy being raised a Brahmin by the husband (his thread ceremony is this coming May).

I am not implying OP and husband will also be like this couple but please be aware that religion is touchy / explosive subject and be prepared for some huge compromises and sacrifices to make the marriage last.

 

I think everybody is unnecessarily giving this post a different religious spin.

The questions that OP had were regarding how to keep her house organised, how to ask for help from dh and how to keep the passion alive. Instead of answering these questions everybody seem to be more interesting in advising her about the problems of inter religious marriages.

Please folks.......give her a break. They are very happily married and please dont sow any seeds of doubt and fear about the future in her. Sometimes to a sensitive mind.......these comments can prove very serious and which can potentially spoil her peace of mind.

Cheers

 

Forget the religious angle here NAmi. My 2 cents on how to be happy in married life- live life everyday to the fullest without cribbing as if today is your last day. Dont become overtly practical, listen to your heart and relax. You have married a guy who loves you, so be happy with him. That should be your aim! Take issues as they come, no need to be so apprehensive about tomorrow (I agree with your DH on that). No need to discuss your intimacy before marriage. Thats your private matter. Be happy and live life by being occuoied and busy all the time.
regarding kids...pray that your child or children are healthy...stop thinking petty and develop a deep sense of contentment. Pray to your God and thank HIm for everything.
My words may sound like a lecture but the essence of marital bliss is something in the above lines.
Good luck!

 

Dear Nami

Don't worry. You seems to have got a gem of person as your husband. You will have absolutely a loving life as its very clear from your post ...about your's and your husbands maturity. Your husband is absolutely right....take things as it comes. Sure , some day your in laws will accept you some day , though its a bit difficult. Don't be scared that something inevitable can happen...cause it can happen to any body. I have seen there are problems even between couples who are cousins.

You don,t have to reveal to anybody about you past intimate relation. Thats your personal.

About your children...raising them in US is lot more easier and I guess you leave it to their choice of religion.

Intimacy...will also have its essence if you guys keep on falling in love again and again....

 

Hi Nami

Here is my 2 cents worth.

When you have fallen in love and gotten married, without the consent of either set of parents, please do not go looking for consent and acceptance. It will not come. It will take a miracle or a very very long time to come..acceptance takes years even in normal (intra religion) marriages (whether love or arranged)!! This forum is proof! Just be yourself and dont intentionally harm or hurt anyone, no matter what they say.

Please focus on building a life with your husband. There will be differences, and in your case, maybe more, as it would need to accomodate different ways of upbringing. It is really up to you and your husband to reach a consensus on this. I suggest you sit down and seriously talk with your husband, if this is bothering you a lot. Both of you have to find a neutral ground, especially when it comes to your kids. Your parents and probably his parents will interfere at this stage (like a poster mentioned about how there were fights for naming the child)..here is where you will need to put your foot down and make it only your husband and you decision.

Also, people or so called society will talk and probably will try to interfere and make things difficult or disturb your harmony, but you would need to be very strong, and learn to ignore it all.

As for household chores, either sit down and divide it between you two..or if he doesn't do inhouse chores, let him do the outside stuff while you take care of the indoors stuff. Also, when you remind him you are not nagging him! If you repeat it like 10 times, then you are !

I would not know how to re-kindle your love life after a baby, as I dont have one..

Just enjoy yourself with your husband for the next few years till you settle down to have kids, etc...

And just maybe stop thinking soooo much :thumbsup

Good luck!

 

I wonder why some are scaring Nami over the religion difference.. Not everything needs to be seen negatively.. common there are fanatics all over, not in a particular religion.. it is only the person's mindset that is important.

Nami, my 2 cents -

Life is simple, no one is going to kill you if you dont convert or whatever.. If you inlaws are not liking you, so be it. You DO NOT have to read the quran or convert to a religion, if you DO NOT want to.. DO NOT do something just so your MIL will like you. I too would say, given your (and DHs) family situation, live abroad with your DH as long as you can. You know him only for 2 years.. there will be lot more than you need to know.. like his reactions to different situations, etc.. even afer 2 yrs, he would surprise you with his reactions or his choices, be prepared. The only thing you need to do is, if you are annoyed or irritated at some poiont, do not react immidiately, take your time, relax and talk to him when you think you can talk in a better tone.. This tip will help you when your honeymooning period ends. Be his best friend. Also, I appreciate you idea of having kids after 4 yrs.. If I were you I would have said 2 yrs but then it is each ones choice.. anything you both decide together will do good for both of you. Dont worry. You guys are already doing great in your decisions.

It is nice to hear that you and DH discussed even abt naming the children before marriage.. You both seem like an understanding couple who are matured to keep away your cultural differences and are aiming for a happy life together..

For some who think some religions (muslims or hindus) around are going to kill you if you dont oblige to their religion.. for your information we are not living in 16th century.. ofcourse there will be few people around with those olden thoughts but believe me, people are becoming more and more accomodative.. and not all inter-religious marriages fail.. Be it love/ arranged / inter-caste, inter-religious, there are equal number of failures so please dont make things look soooo bad. what makes you think the kids will make fun of the mother's religion? unless the man (the husband) has a obvious disrespect for the wife and makes fun of her to insult her, the children would not even think of it.. and for the husband and the kids to make fun of the mother, it doesnt have to be the religion, it can be even 'being a women'!

For someone who said have babies soon if you want to be closer to the family.. common, thats the last thing someone should do.. have babies just so the inlwas will understand, have babies so you are respected... Please any married women should want to have kids only when the married couple is happy enough to bear kids AND grow them too! NOT for anyone else other than the couple involved in the making.

Nami, You both love eachother, are not very religious, are accomodative with each other beliefs and customs so please do not worry abt it..

FYI - My closest cousin sis(hindu) married a muslim boy.. beleive me she did not convert till date, without converting, she is not allowed to go to the mosque.. she is more than happy to not go to the mosque instead of converting.. she does wear a mangalsutra (hindu customs) and they have twin boys - though it is in the guy's customs, they didnt do circumsicion for the boys, they named them with neutral names (as much utral as possible) so that they are not branded a particular religion. They do have muslim family name. Though the children go to the mosque regularly, my sis takes them to the hindu temple too. The kids are very young but they know both the gods, they even light diyas for the hindu gods thats in their pooja room at home.. the muslim daddy and the hindu mommy do not show any difference, do not bother each other with their religious beliefs.. They celebrate both the festivals.. they (even my sis's DH) spend all day with us during hindu festivals, we try to visit them on muslim festivals.. Their family has been nice to her and have not shown any indifference to her because she is a Hindu.

I like what Rakhii said with respect to having your DH involved in the housechores.. Let me tell you all the experiences I and other Ilites shared here does not boggle down to the religion at alll.. it is how some people are.. some are nice and others are not, thats it. Try to be reasonable and nice to your in-laws but do not bend backwards for someone who is being unreasonable to you.

Do come here if you have anything to vent about or anything to share with us. Hugs to you.