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Newly married....6 months back...needs some advise...Thanks

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Nami2010, Mar 10, 2010.

  1. Nami2010

    Nami2010 New IL'ite

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    Hello everyone;:hiya

    This is my first post. I need some advise from all you experienced ladies.

    I got married recently about 6 months back. My husband and I met as colleagues. We belong to 2 entirely different religions. He is a Muslim man and I am a Hindu woman. After lot of struggle facing resistance from either side parents we got married. My husband's family is totally against our marriage while my parents have softened a lot compromising on our decision. Our wedding went well in India and we returned to our house here in Ohio.

    Dh and I resolved not to get religion in the way of our life. We practice our own way and neither of us is overly religious too.
    I really need some guidance from you ladies as to how you deal with your household work and outside work. And if you have kids how do you manage all. Looks like after marriage life becomes a huge ocean to swim across.
    When I was single and lived with room mates it was all entirely up to me as to what I eat and do but now seems like I need to be more organized and more planned. How do you all manage to do it? I really do not like reminding my dh to help me too because that may sound like nagging. How can I ask him without sounding like as though I am nagging him.
    Sometimes, I get so nervous when I think I AM MARRIED!!
    We are not planning for children at least for next 4 years. We want to do some travel and see places together. And also I want to get more prepared for the baby, I mean, read more about taking care of baby, parenting etc etc...oh! Can I do all that?
    How about keeping intimate life kindled always even after having baby? Is it possible? As of now we are very passionate but will that remain the same?

    I am reading too much and googling and other stuff these days as to how to sail a happy married life. Dh does not seem to care much into researching these. He is by nature easy going and laid back and really does not take things seriously. He says I need to take things as they come and not everything in life can be predicted ahead and planned ahead of time. Is that true? Please tell from your experience. For me I need to be fully prepared to deal with any issue. After I came to know about his religion I actually read a lot of books and he was surprised as to why I am reading so much. But I am like that and is there anything to be worried about this?? Tell me frankly if you think so too...I do not mind at all.

    Our love and marriage news was given very casually to his parents which upset them all the more. But he does not seem to care the reactions. On the other hand I gave this news to my parents 3 months ahead to get them mentally prepared.

    I can give you brief background if you may need to advise me.
    I have known dh since 2 yrs. As I said earlier we are colleagues. We went out together with other friends but after sometime we started going out just the 2 of us. We even had sex once just before we went to India to get married. Neither of our parents know that. If my parent know that they will hate me to the core. But if PILs know that I am sure they will kill him first and then me. They are very very orthodox. Anyway, we will never let them know. Even after our wedding they never accepted me as their DIL. They were quite indifferent to me. I felt a total stranger there. We were at his place for a week after wedding. I expressed this to dh and he said next time onwards go only to your house and you need not go to my parents place till they accept you and call you. Also, tell me is this the right way to deal with inlaws and their unhappiness over our marriage??
    Dh is the last child in their house and I am the 2nd in my house. Age wise he is 3yrs older to me.

    Please pour in all your advises here and I will listen very patiently.

    Thanks
    Nami
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2010
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  2. goodfreind

    goodfreind Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Nami

    First i would say you not worry

    Honestly same exp for my freind.
    He is muslim and married hindu girl by love

    Both family are orthodox and they from south TN.You know how south TN people are and they have family culture.sociiet and all etc

    They got 2 kids.. he is my freind an di helped his marraige. he is in dubai now

    They moved out from both family and living alone

    After 4 to 5 years the girl family joined step step by step..thta is long process .but good news they joined

    now they are coming and going

    my freind is first person in his family and the girl is first in her family ..OMG
    she has another sister.. thisnk the situation.. u know they are mukkulathor..now understand how trouble we faced

    so when kids come you will be ok and am sure you will happy wthhh all families

    Trust me if you wnat both family happy get baby soon or if u want ur happy only wait for 4 years
    let m eknow how i can help
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2010
  3. cutesmile09

    cutesmile09 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Nami,

    Firstly Congratulations on your wedding!!!! ur concerns&fears are very normal for every new bride(may be more in urcase as u r into inter-religious marriage). Stay :cool2:and enjoy your married life,dont stress too much by thinking&planning each and every thing in life(We shd plan certain things&rest we shd leave it for time)..Prioritize things in life dear..

    Good luck:)
     
  4. Nami2010

    Nami2010 New IL'ite

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    Thanks Goodfriend and cutesmile for your responses.

    Yeah, I agree we need to prioritize things in our life. As for being inter-religious marriage, I do not feel that in my day to day life but may be when I go to visit people back in India I may get to see the difference. As of now it is not getting in our way.

    What else do you guys do to keep your married life happy??
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2010
  5. srvaug

    srvaug Senior IL'ite

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    1) Yes your husband is right. Take life as it comes. If you plan too much ahead, when it
    doesnot happen in future, you will get upset about it.
    2) Even though your dh says don't go to his parents etc., do call them time to time and let dh know
    about it. That every one is doing good (don't say they didnot talk etc., you know the drift)
    3) Do visit his parents whenyou go to India(stay for a day or two, keep yourself involved, even though
    they do not want you to)--your ultimate goal is to make your husband happy kwim??
    4) Intimacy will come in time even if you have a baby, don't worry about it.
    5) Right now you sound like you are overwhelmed. Take time and try to get your mind off the things for a
    while and be happy.
     
  6. goodfreind

    goodfreind Senior IL'ite

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    Nami

    Married life happy always adjust and pateince

    is ur MIL family talking to your DH? then do not give more attention on that calls . just be pateince

    As i said please plan for baby for your situation..yes baby is the solution

    Smile and talk nice with hubby ..do not be emotional or donot talk sensitive issues with him for time period

    Because,, ppls can change hi smind.. but if he is strong enough you never worry

    Everything wil be alright over period of the time

    B happy
     
  7. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Sounds like you have a kind, loving and supportive husband. Half the battle is won:). Enjoy and do not worry too much. As far as making home etc, there are a lot of forums on IL for cooking, organizing etc and people will help with specific questions you have on such topics.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2010
  8. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Nami, first of all congratulations! I hope you have a great married life.

    I think you are worrying too much about asking him for help etc etc. Since its been 6 months, I am fairly sure that by now you know at least few habits of your DH. If both of you are working, it is important that you share the house hold work also. Else, you will end up cooking/cleaning/working full time which will not leave you any time for yourself. If you don't want sound like you are nagging, perhaps you can suggest things like...example: if you are doing dishes, you can ask him if he would like to help wash them while you soap them (so that you finish work soon and cuddle)? If you are doing laundry, you can ask him if he would kindly put them in drier/bring them upstairs etc etc. this way, he will slowly get into the habit of house hold work while not taking offense.

    Also remember, if he is not completely cooperative in the beginning, it could be because he had seen his parents in certain way and is unconsciously following their example.Usually in orthodox families, women tend to do the house hold work while men earn the living (usually). So, for him to start helping you out will take time and effort from your side.

    Also, don't worry too much about kids. Since you are planning after 4 years, you still have time to prepare yourselves financially and emotionally. Initially even I used to be scared like you. Now after 2 and half years of being married, I realized that I want a baby soon. When you get into the "motherhood-mood" you will know it and you will be able to recognize the feeling.

    Its a good thing that you have read a lot about religion (etc) before getting married. This way you know what to expect. In fact this is what every one should do.

    Don't get overwhelmed. You will find the balance. As for keeping your marriage happy, you will slowly start to recognize what upsets him, what makes him happy etc etc.Depending on that you will know what to do. I am not saying dont be yourself, I am just saying, be conscious of a few things.

    Even if you in-laws are not supportive right now, I think you should make an effort from your side from time to time. Like wishing on birthdays/anniversaries etc.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2010
  9. Manaswini08

    Manaswini08 Bronze IL'ite

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    Nami,

    it seems that you have a great husband who cares very much for your well being (physical and mental). as long as you both keep communicating your needs and wants to each other, I don't think you will have a problem. Life will not always be so pretty as the honeymoon stage but it will be a rewarding one - containing many years of happiness, sadness, joys and every other emotion man has in him.

    Also, remember that years down the line, your sexual intimacy may not be as grand is it once was, but that has nothing to do with the love you both share. Enjoy your married life and may God (regardless of religion following) bless you with many wonderful years together.
     
  10. 12adityas

    12adityas Bronze IL'ite

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    Regardless of what he told you & regardless of what you got convinced about, you need to be prepared to raise 100% islamic kids & be also prepared to see your kids making fun of your religion. No matter what your DH says now & in the next four years, no matter what you tell yourself to believe otherwise, your kids will grow up with islamic names & practicing islamic children. This WILL happen, so the sooner you come to terms with this, the less relationship issues you shall face later on. Also, the very fact that his parents are against you currently is the strongest indicator that your kids will be raised as muslims. Whether you knowing or behind your back, your ILs will at some point in the near future agree to accept you as their DIL only if your DH promises them that the children will be raised as muslims. At that point, your DH will be too happy to accommodate that request!


    You have nothing to be worried about. Read, keep reading & read more. Reading opens your mind & expands your knowledge. If you can, read Koran in entirety. He obviously doesnt want you to know what's in Koran.
     

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