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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jooti, Oct 2, 2007.

  1. jooti

    jooti New IL'ite

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    hi LAdies, i'm new to posting here. i have read any of your problems, and i can definatley share your pain. I have many of the same IL, SIl , and husband issues as you. I really like to read all of your responses! Dealing with continuous taunting by IL';s is so tough! I made a HUGE mistake unlike most of you, after so much hurt they caused me before/during/after my preganancy, i told them that i needed space from them, i was very very upset, my FIL was yelling at me, i told him he is not my father, so not to talk to m that way. my husband instantly took their side and since then my marriage has been going down hill. He will not let me visit my family, everything is about him, SIL and IL. I cry so much, how did i get here? REcently my MIL, was very rude to me and my mom, but this time i didn;t react to her, i pretended that i was ok, but my heart was breaking. i have a son, i looked into his eyes and i kept going. She blamed for everything, everything, as she was yelling (on th phone to my mom), my parents are crying and i don;t want my problems to affect their health. i really want to leave this marriage, but i see so many of you are facing these problems! i can;lt believe it! i would apprieciate any words of advice. My SIL lives close to us, my IL:s live 4 hours away. thanks:frown:
     
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  2. malarvp

    malarvp New IL'ite

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    Hi jooti,

    I can understand you facing some issues in your marriage life. But I'm not sure what sort of problems you face. you have simply said problems with SIL, MIL, etc. whatever has happened or happening, just relax and talk to your husband. if hes good natured, he should be able to listen to you. have a open talk with him and tell your expectations and ask his expectations. first make the relationship smooth with your husband, then try talking to your MIL/SIL/FIL.

    You have also specified that your FIL yelled at you and you said him that he is not your father to do so. I agree he's not your father, but can you imagine your SIL(your own brother's wife) saying these words to your father even is she is right. We are called CIL meaning we are replacements of their daughters. let him shout at you. I'm not saying whatever he says is right. you relax and keep quiet and explaing whatever happened to your husband in a soft way. not a complaining session, but tell him this happened and you felt this way. in the initial days it will be hurting, but on the go, your FIL will realise what hes doing and will change himself.

    if you are educated and have worked, try getting some job which will give some relaxation to you.

    hope this is of some help to you. and hope other ILs will give more suggestions to you to better your life.

    Malar
     
  3. balamotwani

    balamotwani Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Jooti,

    You think your real problem is bcos you said to your fil that he is not your dad. Then just call everyone in your family- hubby,fil,mil - Tell your fil "I am very sorry, i realised that day itself what i told was wrong and i always felt guilty so i feel if you forgive me, i will have mental peace".

    To MIL - "Hereafter if you think i am wrong in anything, please come and speak to me directly, dont talk to my parents, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee....as i do not want to spoil their health, and i will see to that you will never have a chance to complain, I will try to rectify and we will talk things out".

    To your hubby - " See, i have apologised to everyone and i want to start afresh, so please do forget the past alteast for our kids sake"

    If you think the above are too much and if you feel you want to put an end to what you have already told then above is the solution. If you feel your hubby loves you and you love him and also think about your kids future, then there should be no problem with more apologies and pleasessssss.

    If you think running away from the problem is best solution then it proves that you are coward and when you can't face your own people, how will you lead the rest of your life with your kid if you chose any other option.
     
  4. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Umm.... FIrst a warm hug to u. Life is full of testing times.. But one who keeps going and embraces all life gives is the one who wins it.
    So just pass one day at a time.. Dont think too much of future, past and present.Since some damage is done. You just need to let this heal by itself. Time is big healer. But you need to make sure you dont add any fuel to the fire.
    Everybody is king in their own house. So you need not to feel pissed off by whatever they utter about ur parents. Just give ur parents strength that their daughter is sensible enough to mend this and work this through.
    Husbands are often not so attached to wife. they take things on face value. So first you need to calm down, collect your all strength and become strong. Dont pity yourself or your parents. everybody is at right place in life. Dont over think this problem. Some problems are solved with time and patience. If you react to your ILS and husband.. They will get more fueled. Just remain calm and peaceful. Dont retaliate. Once ur husband is tired of doing it.. He will realise ..Husband wife relation is like of push and pull.. Sometime you get to pull, sometime he gets to pull. So right now he s pulling. You need to loosen it from ur end.. If you also start pulling. The chord of relationship will break.
    Only person who will really loose most is your son. He did nt do anythign to deserve. So tread carefully. And only tact and patience can pull you out of it.

    If you need more tips to pull this thru, lemme know.
    Love and hugs..
    Ria
     
  5. balamotwani

    balamotwani Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Jooti,

    If you feel that i am nuts... then there is another approach. But for everything you should mak up your mind.

    You should forget that you told your fil like that, i know you can never forget that. You should bcom negative heroine. You should answerback your IL. Dont ever allow her to criticise. If you both fight then your hubby will be irritated. Then tell her "This is what you wanted, you agitate me, my hubby will get wild at me and finally you want to seperate us, why dont you tell directly". Also tell that you have been patient enough all these days and you want to put an end. Ask everyone frankly what they want from you.Then respond accordingly.

    You didnt tell much about ur sil.

    Before deciding anything , think first can you stand on your own , face the world independantly(mentally and financially) with your kid. If so, then decide anything you want.
     
  6. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Jooti,

    It seems like you have turn an intruder in your home. And to tell you the truth, you have caused the main problems in your own life. Let me explain.

    In most cases to every IL their dil is an intruder/enemy. They feel that not a dil but an enemy in entering their home in the relationship of marriage. So the best thing for every woman is to win over their inlaws before their marriage. Like in my case, my inlaws love me alot, but it was not like that only, i did work on it. Before marriage whenever I visited them, I always took gifts for them, as they lived in different place, I made it a point to spend the entire day with them, cooked and helped them. But the first person I won over was my sil, as she was their daughter. So you see i was welcomed with open arms in my family.

    Few years later there was some problem with sil, she was against me, but then my inlaws who till then knew me well supported and sided me. So you see it is in our hands to make a place in our own home.

    Now as your problem has already started, the only thing to do is to ask for forgiveness and win them over with your love and duty. Make friends with sil and win her over. Buy them gifts, listen to them. Dont keep yourself avoided, join them in their lives. Don’t think you are compromising, instead think that you are fighting a battle but in a different way, it will give you a moral boost.

    Don’t worry nothing is lost. It is in your hands to win everything over.

    All the best

    Diana
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2007
  7. Kavta

    Kavta Senior IL'ite

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    wow great approach.Liked your advice lot.:thumbsup

     
  8. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Jooti,

    No offence, but the handle you have chosen has made me curious. Why would you want to be called as a "jooti" i.e. a shoe??

    On the topic of your original post, I can only say that your in-laws seem to be the kind who would have picked a quarrel with you regardless of what you said to them. YOU are NOT to be blamed here. Your FIL, MIL and husband are for treating you like this.

    Try to find a job and start working. That will give you some independence and you won't be so dependent on the whim's and fancies of your husband or in-laws. Go for some marital counseling if possible with your husband. If he does not agree then go alone.
     
  9. jooti

    jooti New IL'ite

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    hi Aarushi, Jooti is a nickname that i grew up with, so that;s why i use it here, my inlaws don;t know this, and it;s easy for me to remember, it;s just a funny, personnal thing, between my brother, sister and me! thanks for your words of confidence.
     

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