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New house plans - hubby has his priorities different! !

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jackie4, Oct 14, 2014.

  1. jackie4

    jackie4 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi girls
    We are planning to soon move back to India for good and hence plan to buy a new house in xyz place. Hubby and myself were having a chat when i casually told him that he would have to subtly hint to his parents that his wife I.e myself would be for lack of a better word....in charge of this new home and his parents could by all means feel free to move in with us etc. I was shocked to see my husbands reaction to this! He flared up saying he will never do such a thing and it will hurt his mom and she may not talk to us henceforth or even like staying with us and it will be his moms and my house and I will have to learn to slowly please them or whatever and gradually handle things my way in the new house.

    For starters, my husband has already built them a house earlier in which they are staying right now. This was before we got married. So my argument is when my mil has already led her life independently making her decisions for her home...is it not right of me to expect my turn now??? to this he started saying weird things like i am trying to get him to fight with his parents etc. I dont even get a word in edgeways when I visit my in laws house but I really dont mind that because I visit there for 15 days in a year!

    In the past these people my in laws have registered a site with both my husbands n my savings in my mils name without even informing me when I was in the same place. Does he not see that had his parents been sensitive enough, they would have at least informed me about it. This has triggered the very thoughts in my mind that in future they would want to rule over the new house too. I'm not even askng him to register it in my name...I am expecting him to casually drop a hit in front of his parents as in...look wifey...finally I got u a dream home or something in those terms!!

    Am I wrong girls in having my small dreams and expecting him to give me priority as he has already done so for his mother?? He hurt me by saying things like im not a good person as I should be telling him that its his moms house instead, my education is of no use, I am incapable yo running a house since my thinking is not right etc Fyi- we are married for 7 yrs with a 4 and 2 yr old and have managed my family myself with just min help from my parents during delivery....zero concern or help from his side but we have no fights either...in laws n myself just have normal conversations. Im having a cold war with him rightnow but I am deeply hurt as to why he is scared or not ready to commit to his parents a very normal thing since we are married and its our turn now!!! Please be brutal and tell him if I'm wrong.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2014
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't ask him to put it in words. Just do it.Tell him you need to settle down in the house before he calls your in laws(say...it is for their comfort).

    Make it your home. Decorate it the way you want and that is final.Take care and control of your kitchen and that is final.If you work...make arrangements for the help you will need...maid,cook etc.


    Get a room ready for in laws....make it comfortable and put a TV there.That will solve a lot of your problems.


    If possible...get a TV for your room.If not....make sure the TV in in laws room is better and bigger than the one in the living room.


    When they come...often while talking...call your house...'your house'.

    Please get your house registered in the names of you and your husband. Make this an issue before they come because after that your husband's spine will become jelly with mother's labour pain guilt.Tell him you have worked hard for what you both have and you want it acknowledged.If required...remind him that the land registration drama has put seeds of doubt in your mind and you are insecure.You need your name on the registration.


    When he says you are not a 'good person'....don't let him off easily .Ask him why...ask him why a man whom you have given a loving home and two beautiful children...is calling you a bad person. Tell him...even before we have started living together with in laws...you are showing your true colors....
    Tell him ...he better learn to make some adjustments and get his parents to make the adjustments .

    If he says...you are incapable of running a house...ask him who has been running his house for seven years. Tell him you are deeply hurt by his insensitive words.Don't let him get away with making you feel bad about yourself because it is going to become a habit and it will get worse once in laws join you.

    Do work on your self esteem and your confidence before you start this new phase of life.Start it as a confident person in charge of her home.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2014
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Do not tell this openly, but work it by actions.

    Register this house in both of your name. Occupy the master bed room, and treat in laws nicely but as a visitors of YOUR home. By that, you will be making decisions as to what to cook, how to decorate, when to lock, and what and what not. Their suggestions are highly appreciated, but decision should be yours/H. That's it... Live by that instead of expecting someone(H) to support you.

    Expect his support only when you can't handle it anymore. Till then, live on your own. You are a grown up, educated mother with a 7 years of marriage experience. Don't you think you can handle it easily?
     
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  4. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    Actions speaks louder than words.Go ahead and choose what you want for the house.Be wise not to show your importance,men hate it.

    Allot a room for your PILs and make the room choice according to thier comforts like the elder friendly bathroom .

    Like SGBV says occupy the master bedroom and do the room according to your taste.Living room could be your joint choice.Design the kids room to the comforts of the kids and if its to double as PILs stay room keep thier comforts also in your mind.Kitchen should be according to your comfort,you could add all the comforts in US .

    You posted something about the property transaction.Your H is a single child or any siblings? If he has any be extra careful about property transaction.In india those working abroad are looked upon as money trees.The parents feel that they could distribute some to the poor siblings who are in india.
     
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  5. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    OP

    It is a sin to say any such thing to husband. If you say such a thing to the hubby dearest, he would suddenly turn into a cry baby of his mom and will forget that he is a grown up and a husband and a father too...never say any such thing even subtly. When you shift to your new place, there you will anyway be in-charge of everything, its an unwritten rule. So instead of beating yourself up on such a issue you concentrate more on the planning and make sure that everything is done according to your convenience.

    And for the time being let the baby cry for his mom, once his mourning gets over, he will be fine on his on..
     
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  6. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Why do you want to move back to India?
    Conflicts will not stop with the 'new house'. There will be many more. Based on your husband's reaction, you will have very little say before,during and after building\buying a house..May be he is listening to you cuz you are with him and parents are away..
    You will be busy settling back with kids...getting used to indian environment..but hubby dear and his mother highness will suddenly have all the time in the world to pamper each other and to make decisions on which\where\how to buy a house..you will be just nodding head..
    Same thing is happening in my case..We are constructing a new house and moved near to it so that we can monitor it. Since, I wanted to make this 'MY' home(rental house for now), I am talking up additional responsibility in maintaining, cooking, cleaning house, entertaining guests,etc..and my MIL and hubby have more than enuf time to discuss abt new home..go shopping for it, see their relatives,etc along with managing office work and 2yr old kid.

    I am not sure if I am at gain or loss. I barely get 10 minutes a week to check out the construction..decisions are being made and i get to know when i visit the construction site and I will be awestruck to see the things implemented(which I didn't like).

    Think about it dear..
     
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  7. jackie4

    jackie4 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you friends for your replies....I'm feeling better that what I fought for was correct. He almost shook my self confidence by saying that I was trying to break the family after 7; years of baby sirting him. I agree its my fault too. His parents have not let anything register in his name until today....so house in both our names is out of question. Plus I dont work now as we have two young kids and his job isn't very flexible to accomodate any help I need. So I have the additional guilt of not contributing to the home we will buy too which made me doubt my wishes!! But thanks. .im gonna stand by my motto. He hasa sister who the parents buy sympathy for and use all the finances for her and her kid but he refuses to even listen to it if I say anything....so I have given up there. But it got me angry when he told its gonna be his moms home and our home!! And im evil and selfish to call it mine
     
  8. jackie4

    jackie4 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi pear
    Yes dear I told him everything that I would take care of his parents well too and to be honest I do all the work necessary when on holiday in india. But in spite of this it pricked him so bad! He just lost it!! And made me look selfish!

    And your right! He has a sis amd they exploit him now n then! All hos hurtful words have made me feel that I dont even want a own home and im better off living in rented one.
     
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  9. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    With two kids its time you insist indirectly to the property issues.You could stay in a rented house and then scoot for the land to avoid registration in a diff name.The existing land in the MIL name could be sold for building your new home.Avoid gatecrashing ,do them in a smooth unsuspecting manner.
     
  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    How dare he? Op, you simply cannot take these remarks lying down. You must and should argue back on each and every one of these points I bolded above. How dare he say you are incapable of running a house? If I were you I would embark on a policy of Gandhian non-cooperation. Stop managing the house, stop cooking, doing anything you do for him, cold silence. etc till he comes to his senses. You need to make a big, big, big fuss about what he said, his words and attitude now, before you go to India. You need to make him realize and apologize for his insensitive remarks. Before you land up there, you need to take action and make him realize this (you and the kids) is his family and that his primary loyalties lie with you. Somehow you have to think and figure out on how to do this. Do not overlook this incident.
     
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