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New Era Mothers In Law And Their Ultra Modern Dil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Nov 8, 2019.

  1. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    I think our ideas of “adjusting, tolerant” are relative. I am 48 years old myself and wear tshirt and shorts at home so not sure what is there to be all upset about. And if someone is coming for a vacation and god forbid sleeps till 10-11 am what is the big deal? Jet lag can play havoc and again this is their vacation- let them be. It will make them feel more at home if one does not sweat all this small stuff.

    If someone is not picking up theirs plates just mention it to them once that “hey, can everyone put their plates in the sink? It will be easier and faster for the cleanup”. Now if they still don’t do it then yeah I would talk to my son and tell him he needs to step up and move the dishes.

    About the woman who prepares lunch boxes for her son and DIL and dinner for when they come in the night, is she doing it of her own free will and does she like doing it or does she resent it? If she doesn’t like doing it then she should ask her son to get a maid. But honestly if she is a housewife and all her kids are grown up and she’s only around my age then she would want something to occupy herself with. Preparing dinner for 4 people should not take more than 1-2 hrs. Unless she has a health issue. Or if she is overwhelmed with all the work she can ask her husband for help? Where is the FIL in all this? If the kids are working and coming back late at night then don’t expect them to pitch in to cook dinner every night. And no it’s not about treating the house like a hotel - it’s about work life being what it is in India. People come back late because of long commute and barely have time to rest.

    It might be better if the MIL and FIL focused on having a good family dinner when son and DIL get home with good conversation and finding out how everyone’s day went. That would end everyone day on a good note and make it more of a happy home.

    Most important is how is the interaction between everyone. If it is loving and respectful then that’s all that matters, doesn’t it.
     
    Dynamite, KashmirFlower, SGBV and 5 others like this.
  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    The parents are loving towards the son and the DIL is respectful towards the PILs. That is called loving and respectful in some Indian joint families.

    Sarcasm aside, simply loved your post. How much easier life can be if people don't complicate things based on hierarchy of old/young, DIL/daughter/son.

    Back to sarcasm, what would we do for drama, if things were handled so simply as:
    just mention it to them once that “hey, can everyone put their plates in the sink? It will be easier and faster for the cleanup”.
    About the woman who prepares lunch boxes ... If she doesn’t like doing it then she should ask her son to get a maid
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2019
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, indeed.
    :roflmao:
    It would be totally disrespectful, if the DiL assumed that her PiL's are idiots, and would not employ le mot juste* pointedly intended to blame and foist guilt on her.
    ------------------------------------------------------------​
    *mot juste (plural mots justes)
    The perfectly appropriate word or phrase for the situation.
     
    Thyagarajan and Rihana like this.
  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    I admire your attitude madam...
    If all MILs were practical and broad minded And cool and calm and sensible like you, believe me most of the DILs would not have any thing to complain about in this forum!
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  5. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello: Very thoughtful holistic approach to the issues under discussion. I appreciate every word of it. Kudos to you. India or no India your statements are well taken here.
    Thanks and Regards.
     
    Aarushi likes this.
  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:LOL
    thanks and Regards.
     
  7. kaluputti

    kaluputti Gold IL'ite

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    Being 3 times gran and not a new MIL, I can say that this had started even earlier...we had wanted to do away with the bad experiences we had with our MILs and give a better atmosphere, but it didn't work that way...Chaos because unlike medieval India, we had been experiencing women suppression from the moghal rule & womens' lib of the west. Since we were invaded and occupied, crushed for thousands of years, so have not ... will not become free from those influences and like the wealth and prosperity they all looted, our culture & traditions also have been. We are totally drained and on the verge of extinction, unless the younger gen. takes some measure to respect elders, though dependent .We easily give in, rather more now, than earlier to 'divide and rule' principle of the rest of the world, most importantly it is easier than to respect, listen, and show the way to the youngsters, ofcourse with men (generally )as well as tech. doing their own dirty part. But one gen will pay the price with exp. from the next ..this is for sure.
     
    Thyagarajan and Caughtinbetween like this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear @blessed

    Happy new year!
    It totally depends on who the MIL is and what is her relationship with her son and DIL.
    My cousin is a new MIL herself, and she is only 49 years old.
    Both her son and DIL works in Dubai and they were here during December for vacation. I would say, my cousin loves her son so dearly, that she doesn't want any conflict or turbulent in her son's life. So, she is very careful and thoughtful about everything after his marriage.
    Now, as you said the son and DIL sleeps very late (watching movies, going out for parties etc..etc...) and wakes up only after 10 or 11 am. The girl wears mini shorts and Ts too, as that's the only convenient dress in a warm place like Sri Lanka.
    Crossing or stretching legs as per her convenience as no one really bothers who sits before her and there is no hierarchy as such. Because everyone knows that she is a 25 yr old young modern girl who grew up in Dubai, so this is pretty normal.
    I am glad that my cousin (the MIL) is not inconvenienced by all this. She remained the same happy, caring and loving momma for both her son and DIL throughout their stay.
    Upon their return, we heard the good news that the DIL is pregnant. The point is, that the girl wanted to deliver her child in Sri Lanka at her MIL's home, and would love to spend 3-4 months of her maternity time here only. My cousin is supper excited, and making all the preparations to welcome her first grandson.

    This same cousin was tortured so bad by her MIL a few decades back, and she still remember those horrible times sadly.
    I wish all the MILs are like this (matured; hence having big hearts to love and be able to accept younger generation), the DILs would soon be able to mingle and be part of the family.

    On the contrary, my MIL gossips, create drama and poke her son against his wife for the same matters whenever my younger BIL and co-sis comes home on vacation from UK.
    She finds fault in everything this DIL does.... and after a point, the DIL decided to fight back, and create a drama that ended in an ugly way. Now that, she never visits MIL.

    For the past 3 weeks we are running without a maid here at home. I had to start commuting very early, and come late since my office is very far from home. So, my 70 yr old mom is doing everything to run the home, specially assisting with 2 young kids of mine, and my H.
    I have asked her not to bother, but to order food from some take away places... and find part time maids for cleaning purposes till we secure a permanent maid.
    But she is worried about the kids and our health; hence opted to cook for all in the morning, and do so much work which makes her very busy all the time now a days.
    She is not forced, rather asked not to work hard. But she does everything out of love. She says, she feels bored to stay home alone and do nothing. But cooking and feeding kids makes her happy.
    She never expects me to cook or clean since she knows I am already tired by long commuting. She doesn't expect my H either, because she knows she is not familiar with these kind of works, and not comfortable doing it.

    My sister's MIL almost, always does this. Since both my sister and BIL goes to work, and come late. In addition, she takes care of their kids too.
    Just that, if she can't handle the work, she would request for a maid or two. No one says no... because we know she could do only so much.
    But she never criticize my sister or expect her to work hard at home while she is suppose to be resting and having family time after work.

    Some MILs understand that their sons are tired after work; hence they need to be served with hot tea, and hot water bath upon return. And they make sure their sons eat fresh dinner and sleep early without any disturbances because they work outside.
    But when it comes to DILs, regardless of their outside work or commute, the MILs expect them to take over the kitchen and everything at home upon their return.
    What kind of double standards it is?

    Of course the old MIL can't work at home 24/7. So the alternate solution should be to hire some help. Period
     
    shravs3 and Needtobestrong like this.

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