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New Era Mothers In Law And Their Ultra Modern Dil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Nov 8, 2019.

  1. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Ladies,

    Just wanted your views and sincere opinions, now I am very clear and will start accepting the changes, My up bringing was with strict parents and marital life was with conservative /manipulative in laws, so it takes time for me to
    understand the younger generation, at times my DD herself said I am still the old fashioned lady..

    Anyways let me make it clear that I have not given any negative feed back to my sister in fact even when my Sis was upset with her DIL on her first US visit ,she use to cry and complain over phone to me I always kept myself calm and explained her to clearly visualize the problem and to stop over thinking, never ever have I said any thing bad about her DIL or about any DIL's for that matter, after experiencing so much in life I don't want even a single soul to suffer because of me..
     
  2. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Hi blessed,
    I have read many of your earlier threads. I should say you are a well organised and composed person,who had come across so much in life. When I read your older threads
    about your Mils verbal abuses,hospitalisation,and death afterwards,and the ways you handled others accusations..I thought I never would have survived all these with dignity if I have to face it... You are amazing and a very nice person.
    Now coming to the present problem.. Isn't it nice the current day Mils are sweet and loving to their dils and are very careful about the way they behave? I am sure you didn't mean anything bad for your sisters dil,but maybe genuinely surprised by the new aspects of present day mil dil relationship. I would say don't worry and don't think too much into it...Your sister's son and dil don't live with them and they are there to visit,right? Maybe your sister is trying to establish a good relationship with her dil and to make her feel like her own home.... Isn't it nice?I am not justifying not picking up plates after food. But if your sister is the only one here who is trying and no part from son and dil,this is not going to work... In any relationship,be it mil or dil or even grown-up kids and parents,if it is to work one should not take others for granted and ready to give respect...... So don't worry for your sister. If she feels she is overworked and taken for granted by dil,she may speak up eventually..... I would say I am happy to read about the mils who care not only for son but for daughter in laws too. Bless your family!
     
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  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    @blessed - My MIL doesn't let me do anything when I go there. My stays are short and I spend majority of my vacation these days with my aging parents. I used to spend a lot of time there and even then she wouldn't let me do anything. MILs sisters and mom lives right there. They've always loved me like a niece. I love my DH's aunts. Even when things are now not ok with MIL, her sisters have always been the same loving caring people. They tell her that she's being unreasonable and sometimes tell me to tone down or ignore. In fact, I've always been loved and accepted by aunt in laws and of course grandma in law. And my little SILs are now wives themselves and sometimes tell me they learned to gel into their marital homes from me. This DIL is your sister's dil. Treat her like you would a niece. DH's aunts used to get me the same kind of things they got my SILs and it really helped cement my relationship with them. Even now, despite so many hardships, my aunt in laws will always have a good meal and a lot of love for me during my short visits.
     
  4. SpringB

    SpringB Platinum IL'ite

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    Not to hurt you OP, Haven’t interacted with you or your earlier threads, but this is what I infer from your post.

    When I am a DIL I am the best
    When I become a MIL still
    I am the best.

    if I go to my siblings house I will remember that I am a guest too and will definitely not opinionate on my siblings family.
     
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  5. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Glad this forum helped you to change your opinion . Happy to read your update
     
  6. frndlysgp

    frndlysgp Silver IL'ite

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    @blessed : I could not stop myself from replying for this. We are not a newly married couple but I can relate to some points here.

    1) We do get up around 8/9 when we are in India both myself and my husband. May be my husband will sleep longer when am in my mom's place but when am around he gets up around 8-9. He also some where knows that I would not get up or go out of the room until he does ;).
    2) Good to hear that the DIL here came to India even after knowing that she can't meet her family, not sure most of us here would have done that. So she talking to her family frequently is quite natural, she is not able to meet them even when in India so its quite natural she will at least talk over the phone.
    3) I would also definitely keep the communication with my MIL/FIL 's extended family quite formal. Any thing what we speak will be judged so why to make things complicated and phone is the best savior in these situations. Just formally exchange some pleasantries and then there is phone to deviate us. Now you have complain that she dint mingle much. If she talks more then there will be some other comments, so this is best to keep the talks formal.
    4) Picking up the plate, as many suggested when the son is not doing then why expect from DIL. I generally dont do any house core when I come to India neither in my house not in MIL's. Its also that we dono their way of doing things. When am in my home and when Inlaws are visiting I took care of every thing, but its not the same when we are in India. Firstly its our vacation and we hardly get to stay 2 weeks in India yearly. Secondly my husband side is a big family. My SIL stay with them and I definitely dono how to make even a coffee for so many people. The only thing I do is wash mine and my husband's plate as they dont have a maid. When there is no maid in house its very important for anyone to wash their own plates to reduce the burden on one person, but I have seen in my inlaws family that every one just put it in sink and go. I do get irritated with that but end of the day am no one to comment and its their way of living. I make sure to wash mine that's all. So am sure my inlaws would be thinking in similar lines about me, just that they are not in IL to post it.
     
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  7. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    @blessed
    We used to think or rather still think, that when DIL suffered at the hands of MIL (and others), she grew up to be equally venomous MIL and perpetuated the cycle.
    The above is very true. But in the living world, things are not so simplistic as to come down to "run on" sentence like above. In reality there are many other factors, some in the dimensions we known and some in other dimensions.
    One factor that I have seen to play out again and again is: any human interaction (short term or long term e.g. DIL-MIL) will have a power struggle and only one of the two will come on top.
    Many of the nice DILs, who survived abuse will go on to be the nice MILs because they are lost one time to their MIL and will loose again to DIL. There will be combinations- like 'lost to MIL but not to DIL' or 'won both times' or 'won with MIL but lost to DIL'. But in the end, it is true that nice people are taken for granted. Or say nice people don't know another way.

    If someone goes on cruise, they have to show up for breakfast before it is too late. Cruise is a nice way to vacation. During a staycation, one has to move their limbs and get to table and tea kettle and make some tea.
    Just because someone is on vacation doesn't mean they are vegetables.

    All in all, what you are thinking is correct- the DIL is taking advantage of your nice sister! But may be the sister has decided to loose in the power struggle- and it is okay- as long as your sister is happy.

    If you are similar situation, and since you sound nice- please set boundaries from the very beginning and do not engage too much.
     
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  8. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Blessed, I am glad the responses here and your past experiences will make you view things in a different light. Each generation comes with their own mindsets, I already do not understand my kids :)
    The best you can do is downplay anything negative that your sister tells you about her DIL and let her see the positive side of it.

     
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  9. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I do agree with this. I don’t know how anyone in today’s day and age can get away with not putting their plates in the sink , unless they are from the royal family of Jaipur. I cannot imagine doing this at my parents or in-laws house.

    The problem though is when only the DIL is expected to do this, but not the son.

    it’s the son’s job here to make sure the plates are put back in the sink ( and also ask his wife to do so). This also makes me think, the son has never cleaned up after himself in that house with mother around. This is a habit that must be inculcated when they are 5-6 year olds, not when they are 30.

     
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  10. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Gold IL'ite

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    Dilli abhi bahut door hai!
    meaning: Delhi is very far- a phrase used by freedom fighters who were trying to overthrow British rule by engaging in battles and slowly hoped to get to Delhi.

    OP asked about DIL-MIL dynamics, sons are part of it- agreed, but I am still trying to keep to DIL-MIL dynamics.
    Also, trying to see the bigger picture instead of breaking it down to plates, short shorts, phone etc. All in all I can say "iss bahu ko to apne sas ka koi dar hi nahi hai" (jokingly of course). Anyways, what will DIL do next? leave her undies to be hand washed by MIL, because her husband does that?
    I am an online- anonymous- friend to @blessed, and the DIL- is the other here. And am not playing it politically correct, and I totally think that "this DIL knows what she is doing". But, since OP is not her MIL, she can stay aloof.

    Coming to OP's question about if the generation is changing from bad MIL to good MILs, I want to say that every generation will have the nice MIL, who are taken advantage of.
    And every generation will have nice DIL, who are taken for granted. The idea not about generation but about who gets their way- in any generation.
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2019
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