Hi all, How have you all been? I am good, despite the craziness of this COVID19 pandemic & lock down situation. I need some help, though I am not sure whether my query belongs here or not. Just found some relevance as it is anyway related to my married life. A little background : I've been married for 11 years, with 2 amazing kids. Life was a bit roller coaster ride initially because of parental interference due to our inter faith marriage. However, we have learnt to overcome almost all these problems to lay a strong foundation to our marriage now. Life's good since then. I am the primary bread-winner of our family. Since my I have got a perfect career, with a promising future I decided to hang on it firmly. On the other hand, my H has been struggling with his career ever since he has started. And, he doesn't prioritize his career either. Apart from this role reversal in terms of our career, nothing else has changed in our marital life. I mean, still I am the hands on parent, with multi-tasking role at home as a wife, daughter and momma. Whereas, my H comfortably plays a secondary role in everything. In a nut shell, I wish if he becomes a dotting house-husband by taking control of everything relaeted to the home, so that I could fully focus on my career & grow as the sky is my limit. But, in reality things are very different. Even if my H comes down to do everything for us, there are so many things that prevents him from doing it. The current issue: As you all know that I have been working away from my home town since the past decade. Either I traveled daily or weekly or sometimes spent 6 weeks at a stretch in different continents for work & met my family only for 2-3 weeks in between etc... But I never had the luxury of working between 9-5 in the same town where my family lives. Having said that, I missed my family very badly during all these while. Though my mom replaced me pretty much at home, being a second mom to my kids, and a care-taker at home while there were many paid helpers to assist her such as a maid, teacher, driver & gardener working on full/part time basis at our home. We also had our in laws living in the next door, and a great neighbor who was our long time family friend too. And an uncle, my brother and a couple of on-call assistants to coordinate and help my mom & kids during my absence to run the home. It was a luxury, that kept my unusual work & life somewhat balanced during the past decade. However, 2020 was a disaster for us. Due to some misunderstanding, we had to cut ties with our inlaws and they no longer exist for us. On the other hand, my brother's family moved to Singapore for his daughter's treatments. It was a sudden unexpected move; hence we lost their support completely. My mom is completely lost, as she is no longer my strong support system, but a fragile depressed elderly woman all of a sudden. Blame her health, the family issues, her age and so on.... That friendly neighbor has moved to a different locality, and their new tenant is no longer friendly with us. All those paid helpers have slowly left us, and no one is currently with us during this pandemic. Looks like, we will not recruit anyone till the situation backs to normalcy. At the beginning of this covid19 pandemic, I was under immense pressure to leave my job despite so much financial commitments. But, thankfully this lockdown situation favored me. I was asked to work from home, which allowed me to handle both my family & career responsibilities at my own pace. Nevertheless, things have slowly picked up, and the work pressure is now very very high on me. It is partly because I have been promoted to a much higher position with a huge responsibility to manage a team comprised of South Asian region. Hence I am expected to fully focus on my work, give my 100% effort and time for it. Here at home, I cook 3 fresh meals. Each meal takes at least 1.5 hrs for the making. The cleaning part comes next. Besides, ours is a 2 story building with many rooms. There are kids who make messes every now and then; hence I need to sweep at least twice daily, and mop twice a week as a routine. Washing, folding cloths, arranging and re-arranging the stuffs every now and then makes me too busy and tired. Its just too much for a woman who has never worked this much at home before. Amidst this, I need to teach my kids. These on-line classes are too much for a mom. I need to prepare the kids before hand, arrange for their zoom classes, and do the home-work with them regularly. I have 2 kids, and elder one is sitting for an important exam at grade 5 this year. So the pressure is high. Besides, teachers expect us to take videos of the younger child (grade 2) reading, poem regularly, and pictures of elder child's papers. Oh... that's too much work. On top of it, my bro has returned back for work and currently stays with us as his family still resides abroad. So the onus of giving him food, washing his cloth etc..etc.. is on us. I am 100% OK to give him a pleasant stay at my place as he is my dear brother. But, meeting my mom's expectation to give him a 5 star stay is a bit too much for me, when I have so much on my plate. My H and kids are very much adjusting. They don't expect me to die in kitchen for a hot meal. But my mom is really stressed when I heat up the curry for my brother's dinner as she expects me to serve him fresh. If not, she jumps in the kitchen to make him a fresh chapatis and curries. Her reasoning is that he is alone, and sad, which I understand. On the other hand, she wants to give him healthy diet as he is diabetic. But I would be happy if she also cooks 3 more chapatis for my H, as he too diabetic. When my bro eats fresh chapatis, I feel bad to serve left over rice and curry (from lunch time) as dinner for my H, who is also diabetic. This way, I am forced to cook chapatis or whatever diabetic friendly for my H, and then normal food for myself and the kids. Because they are not used to eat anything brown. Cooking 3 meals is already a problem for a full time working woman. So can you imagine, cooking 2-3 different menus for 3 times???? My mom and H dont gel well. Earlier they had issues, but they managed during my absence. My mom expects me to be bossy and suppress my H as he has misbehaved with her in the past, when he was under the heavy influence of in laws. She keeps the grudges, and want to use my upper hand in the family/finances to take revenge. Earlier, she used to find faults on my H everytime, and threatens me by saying that she would leave our house if things repeated. While I work outside, I was completely dependent on mom for child care, as she wouldn't allow me to send them to day care or bring in a permanent nanny (I mean, she would heavily criticize the day care and nanny as if it was a life threatening matter for the child, that too when I was away from them. So, ultimately I had to leave them under her care to feel safe when I am away). During those times, I would fight with H, and in fact make him apologize with her each time when there was a problem. It was partly because of my H's bad manners, and carelessness, that my mom blows those problems out of proportion. Now that, since I stay home, I don't find those complaints are valid for a fight. I request mom to adjust or let go of these small differences as they are not intentional. But she forces me to fight, and when I chose not to fight, she makes faces. She gives me silent treatment, and behaves like a depressed person by avoiding food and making dramas. This makes us fight almost daily for nothing. But this time, I have been firm that I shall not fight with H, rather work together with him to build our home. Because fighting or emotionally distancing from each other further damages my life and that of our kids. Besides, I've learnt a good lesson for depending on someone else rather than my spouse all these while. All said and done, I feel really abused at my own home (the home I build, and the luxuries that I provided for my family). I cry almost daily, skip my meals, lose my bond with my H as I feel depressed all the nights, and unnecessarily argue with my kids when I am expected to enjoy this precious time with them. I could also sense that I lose heavily on my work front, as sleepless nights and overloaded work affects my efficiency in office work. While I am struggling like this, I've got an offer to work in Bangladesh for 1 year. If I accept this offer, I would be expected to leave in 2-3 months when situation comes back to normalcy (it is almost normal in SL) It is a family station, with a great remuneration package where I could take my family. Kids are too young, so I am not at all bothered about their school matter. It is important that they live with mom than go to better schools. I & H are really looking forward to a change, and to be away from all the negativeness around us. (from both sets of parents) But at this stage, if I invite mom to join us she would say NO. She has always said NO in the past, so out of no choice I had to leave the kids with her back at home, and live alone. 1. Because I was not confident that I could handle kids in an alien land without mom's support. Those days H wasn't reliable. 2. I didn't want to leave mom alone at this old age, specially after all her helps in the past. During the last couple of months, H is back on track and I could have gone with him & the kids. But I didn't want to leave mom alone as i felt guilty doing so. Now that, I must make a decision. I can't leave kids as I have witnessed how much it affects them. How much they misses me. How much we misses our precious time together. I can't travel frequently, and I don't want to be a money machine anymore. I just want to work and live with family like everyone else. My H too likes the same, and believes this change would bring positivity to our marriage. In fact, we both do really well. Shower each other with love, care for each other and are happy with the kids we are blessed with. Just that, either my mom or his mom puts guilt on us on a daily basis, with an intention to take revenge, and it seems like they are using us. We either get easily carried away with their motherly drama or feel guilt when we chose not to dance as per their tune. Both badly affect our mental health; hence the fraction in our marriage despite our strong bond. I believe, if mom comes with us, she would try to conduct herself good as it would be an alien land for her, and she would be our dependent there. Here, she feels more powerful as she has also a home, family and all living in this locality, and we are also depending on her for the child care as I always work away from home. If she chose to not to come, our life would be peaceful. But only with a condition that she is happy and comfortable wherever she chose to live. It could be with my brother at his home or our home. With domestic helpers around, it wouldn't be a problem. But I am afraid about the kind of drama she may stage around that time when we leave. That may put us on guilt mode forever. Besides, she is already 70, with ailments. Now if something happens to her at our absence, that can kill us forever. Because she has always been with us, and helped us in the past, so the responsibility is now on our shoulder to take care of her. We are 100% ready to help her either way. We would be happy if she joins us as the kids too needs her. We would get maid, and H would be home to do the rest, as we won't expect much other than love from a 70 yr old now. But her revenge taking dramas against my H, and her expectation on me to punish my H everytime she feels so is a bit sadistic. When I chose to say NO, she even goes worst in self punishing, which puts me on guilt mode by collapsing all my emotional well-being. I feel like I need to live, battle this, and live peacefully at least now. Earlier I had problems, and I fought them with a hope that one day my life would turn as I wanted. Now that, my life has become perfect in everything. I have got my dream job, colorful salary, great kids, and understanding and adjusting H, no more ties with PILs, and what not. But the mom who has always been my pillar of support during my dark times has now changed as my biggest problem. She alone is equal to all the tragedy that I have faced in the past decade. I feel so down, so vulnerable and feels like I need to vent my heart out. Some one please please read this post, help me and guide me. Its been 2 weeks since I've heard the good news about my promotion and bangladesh offer. I am yet to share them with my mom though she lives in the same home. Hence, I am unable to share it with my siblings or friends as I am afraid mom will get to know from them, and punish me emotionally for not sharing with her this good news. But I know, she would spoil my mood and the happiness if I share with her as it happened previously. She doesn't like if I get a promotion or great salary as it would give my H a free ride. She would get jealous on him for being able to enjoy his life while his son and other men are suffering with family responsibilities. Hence she would brain wash me to reject this offer, and stage dramas like she wouldn't join, she wouldn't let the kids to join citing many practical issues from the negative side as she did before. This would eventually spoil our mood and happiness altogether. Keeping it within me really affects me as I am an extrovert and I need to speak out to feel good.