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New Crisis! Please help me!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ushie, Jun 28, 2010.

  1. Ushie

    Ushie Senior IL'ite

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    Hi friends,
    I used to post here whenever I had problems and able to handle the situations with your tips. for sometime life was peaceful, now I landed in a big situation, I dont know what to do. I am going to visit my sister and my family for a week and attend a family function along with my dd and dh. Instead of being happy I am tensed so much I am unable to sleep or eat.

    My background is, I am married to an extremely controlling husband for 16 yrs, have one daughter and live in US for 9 yrs. I dont have dad and only my elder bro performed my marriage and my dh and elder brother dont have good relationship from the begining. (due to lot of reasons, my bro is very good person but shorttemper, my dh very egoist and did lot of things so my bro dont have any respect). when we moved to US my husband didnt allow proper communication with my family(other than my deceased younger bro all my sisters and bro live in us and now my mom also moved here) and he started to physically and verbally abuse me. then when my family came to know about me they asked me to come out, and one time my husband hitted me, and i moved out and took TPO. Through my lawyer we reconcilled and I withdrew my TPO to avoid immigration issued and my Dh promised for counselling. But my family didnt like my decision and brother stopped talking to me. My dh also didnt change completely but much better now (reg relationship with me). I went to my momls house in India for a family tragedy and met my sisters and brother(till then my mom and sisters were on brother's side upset with me). from then on we (me and my dh) started to talk my sisters and mom except my brother. my dh is still bitter about him. My sister in another state invited us for a funciton, since it was not an important one I thought we are only invited and accepted.
    Now I came to know yesterday all of my family is coming and my brother is coming just to meet me. ( I cant ask not to invite since he is 7 yrs elder to me) and really terrified. some of the possible scenarios (due to my earlier experiences), my brother may completely ignore my dh but he will try to talk to me and my dd. My dh didnt know my bro is coming and if he meet him there i dont know what will happen. (According my inlaws mappillais are mahavishnu, like GOD so every time my dh visit my house he will expect every one should fall at his feet, funny thing is he will expect this not only from my mom and brother but also from my bils(my sisters's husbands).
    I dont know How I am going to balance everything. If anything happens this time I dont want to live not even for my dd :hide:. (sorry for writing like this but I am physically and mentally very weak now). I request ladies here to give me any tips or tactics if they went through anything like this (clash of egos). I know this is like keeping fire and explosives together and not to ask for accident. But atleast pray for me. Sorry for long post and give me your advices. thanks.
     
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  2. Coffeelover

    Coffeelover Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't what to say, except that I will pray for you.

    you are in very difficult position, but they are coming to your house and you should treat them well. Have patience and pray. Hope things will go smoothly.

    Take care. :)
     
  3. Ushie

    Ushie Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Thanks for your immeadiate reply. I think my post was not clear. I am visiting my sister's house for a function for a week and my mom, brother and other sisters and their family also coming to the function which was a sudden arrangement I came to know only yesterday. I dont know why men had so much ego :bonk please if any one know better way to handle the situation help me. thanks.
     
  4. newbeginning

    newbeginning Bronze IL'ite

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    Tough situation to be in Ushie.
    You said you talk with mom and is fine with her now. Why dont you talk to her about your fears...I am pretty sure any mom would not advise you to break your own family right? I mean if she can talk to your bro on your behalf and ask him to put a smiling face to your hubby and its ok even he not talk anything...just smile and greet types.
    Also hows your hubby's relationship with other men in the family? if its good, then you can convey them thru your sisters to keep your hubby busy and a bit away from your brother. So they both dont get to spend too much time together....
     
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Apart from what newbegining suggested, I have one more point, Remember this is not your house to which your brother is coming. It is your sisters house . So your brother has as much right to go to your sisters as You. Jut put this point across to your husband in a subtle way. Say that as he is the brother for your sister also, and its not your house, let your sister and her husband decided on who can /cannot be invited. You guys are invited. So as guests go there have good time. Be cordial and come back. Now how do others behave with us , WE NEVER have control over it. So tell your husband that you dont care how others behave. But as far as your family i.e you , your husband and kids are concerned, you just be cordial, and if someone doesnt talk or smile or greet us, we wont make big scene out of it, but we also ensure that we dont force others or ourselves to mend things. There should be equal effort from both side i.e your brother and your husband. But each of them expecting things from each other wont help. Just say these things in a subtle way and JUst incase if your brother comes forward and is cordial, tell your husband not to make a big deal out of it and let things come back to normal. Whether he wants to have a friendly relationship with your brother or not is his decision, but these adult fights shouldnt spoil the fun in the gatherings. Thats the bottomline. I know talking or telling things to your husband would be difficult. Just say few words and leave it there. Let him tackle as per what suits him. Above all your husband is not a kid, he too knows that his image would be tarnished if he puts on a fight infront of everyone, so am guessing he wont do it openly. Good Luck and dont sweat it out too much. Just chill. whats supposed to happen will happen surely. Who knows things might all go well unexpectedly
     
  6. Ushie

    Ushie Senior IL'ite

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    Hi new begining,
    thanks for your advice. You dont know about my mom. For her my brother is the world and she will blindly follow whatever he says. moreover she has lot of physical problems and totally depend on my brother and other sisters for help. she is upset with my dh for not being like her other sils. and she will never understand my situation. but I already spoke to one of my sisters who has some influence on my bro and planning to talk again tommorrow. Pls pray for me thanks.
     
  7. newbeginning

    newbeginning Bronze IL'ite

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    Ok thats good if your sis can help you out.
    But please remember one thing.....its finally upto you to be strong and confident. If you start feeling bad about it, then your hubby might try to poke you more where it hurts and use it against you to make you more miserable.
    As SriVidya suggested, its not your place, its yours sisters place and your brother has every right to attend. Infact he has more rights over your hubby....afterall its his sis house right?

    Be very normal now and even over there.....if hubby makes a grumpy face just tell him clearly that its your sis house and we all are her close family and stuff. If you dont want to reason out with him there....just ignore him, enjoy your time with family, come home and sort out your issues with you hubby thats all. After all you guys are just "visiting" a family for few days.....hopefully your hubby understands that.

    good luck and I am sure it will go well:)
    NB
     
  8. Ushie

    Ushie Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Srividya,

    thanks for your reply. What you said makes sense. still I want to narrate one incident happend in similar function which caused lot of rift between my foo and my dh side. At that time we where in India, my dd was only 3 months old, my elder bro came for US and we had a family celebration at my mom's place . My bro was seeing my dd first time and every one was talking to me and petting my dd, my dh became very angry and possesive for no reason started to take my dd and never allowed anyone to touch her and shouting at me constantly for no reason never allowed me to talk to any one. My bro could have called me alone and complained that he was embrassed. Instead he started to scold my dh and called him idiot infront of everyone. Then my dh exploded and took my dd and dragged me in middle of the function. From then onwards the relationship was never smooth. After my TPO situation, my dh and bro not even talked on phone. I gave this situation to tell you both of them will not worry about anything other than their egos.
    But I am planning to talk to my sister and try to avoid any situation as far as possible. But anything went wrong I want to go somewhere (not to my foo or return to my house). Because my dh has the ability to torture with old incidents till my death. My decision may sound strange but that is my position now. I left everything to GOD and I will update later. thanks.
     
  9. newbeginning

    newbeginning Bronze IL'ite

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    Or if you would like to tackle the issue now itself, my other suggestion would be to tell you hubby right now about your bro's visit. That way if you hubby is not very comfortable, he is can decide right away to not attend OR can come in the morning attend the function and leave that night or early next morning. That way the interaction will be very minimal too. That way you wont feel awkward too.
    You and DD can go for a week and enjoy your time with your family members. Also please remember that your bro is coming to meet you all the way...so enjoy time with him also girl.

    NB
     
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    One thing again I would say is...make expectations clear even before you go to your sisters house. Tell your husband that your brother would be there and yes everyone would want to talk to you and your daughter. and if someone doesnt talk to your husband or doesnt pay attention or ignore him, he shouldnt react or create a scene there. Be firm and tell him this. But if he says he would act as he wants to, then you better go alone rather than with your husband and kid. Here the situation is if your husband is so against your brother and gets all possessive about his kid infront of your family, why even take him to your FOO??? its like taking pressure and anxiety than enjoying the party.

    So tell him about what he may/may not expect and how he has to calm down and not create scene. One more thing here is host should be on good terms with your husband i.e they have to wish adn greet and treat you guys well and how other guests (i.e your bro or your mom and others) behave with you/your husband shouldnt be of concern here as they are also jsut guests. not the hosts. Also tell him that if the same old fights happen again, next time on you would go alone with the kid and you dont want him to come with you anymore. Try talking some sense into his brain and rest all as you said, he would act as per his own will and wish and you have no control over it. Try making your point and see how he takes it.
     

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