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new big problem

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sonika1976, Apr 22, 2010.

  1. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    Ok friends tell me if i am being unreasonable here,

    my inlaws came to the US on 25th march and went first to kentucky where my bil lives. All the while they told us they are not coming and gave us 3 days notice before they were to arrive. We were all in panick mode because the sons know what they are. Things were going well up until the time I slipped and fell and broke my nose and wrist...husband had an interview in few days to another state. He got worried and offered to bring them here ASAP so he could go to the interview. I said ok. Labelled as "they are coming to help me". I should be so so grateful. Fine..I put on my best self, took them out, shopped for them, cooked for them and developed lung infection.

    I was on antibiotics when one night husband comes and screams at me without checking the fridge for food "today u didnt cook""what did u do all day" "why is there no food". When i showed him the fridge and asked him why he screamed, he threatened to bring my parents on skype and make them hear what he is telling me (they dont know about my accident yet). I told him if he says anything to my parents, i will bring his family in the fight too. His father came screaming to me "you will not do such a thing" "you dare not bring us in anything". They took their son and went upstairs.


    I am threatened day in and day out that he will tell my parents about the accident and about how ungrateful i am and will make sure they get sick. This creates fights everday. Fast forward to today, I was planning to go to my country and since these morons knew the plan they will be staying all of june so i cannot go. The plan is from here they will go to bils then visit some friends in newyork and then come back here to go back to their country. Now they will be coming in the end of june but initially it was end of may. I dont understand, why should i stay all of june just to see them come for a few days and leave, they already stayed here for a long time and fought with me. Just because they planned and plotted to cancel my trip back home should i let this happen? Why should i spend all of june and cancel my plan to go visit home:(

    These people dont even talk to me. With a broken hand and nose i have made everyones meals and babysat. They babysat one day for 6 hrs because I was giddy due to the antibiotics. Thats the only help I have got so far.

    My husband says he will call the travel state govt to put my sons passport on hold, will not send me. will not give our passports..cannot live with this threat anymore. should i get a lawyer? i cannot be under house arrest year after year? what should i do.
     
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  2. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    What is this accident that you are getting threatened every day?
     
  3. OOPALL

    OOPALL Silver IL'ite

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    Why is it that you want to keep the injuries from your parents? If I were you, I would just tell them in a subtle way if you are worried about their health. And assure them that your are doing ok. One less thing Hubby has on you.

    JMO
     
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Soni

    First thing is call up yourparents and tell them that whenever yourhusband calls for complaining like a kid they should pay no ear to him. Yes prepare them in advance and say that its just his bad habit when he is upset or angry with you, instead of talking to you he runs to parents and that he wants to complain to your parents etc. Prepare your parents ahead and next time when your husband threatens you to call them, tell him yes please go ahead and call them.

    Remember one thing, the more you say dont call or the mroe you plead him, he would keep threatening you.

    Why did you hide this nose accident from your parents?? Did your husband beat you? or you really fell ?? If you had really fell and broke your nose, you should just let your parents know that you had a small accident and youare being treated and given medicine. thas all..Why are you hiding things and making things more worse for you?? they are your parents...remember if you think such small things of you having a small accident are not being handled by them, do you think things like you walking out of marriage will be handled bythem?? Dont under estimate your parents capability.

    Also tell your husband that he is a grown up man and it doesnt suit him to keep saying I will call your parents or he going to his parents as he himself is a father now and it looks very childish. Yes put this point to him and then keep calm. Lets see how he takes it forward.

    Whenever your husband seems to be in a good mood, just tell him the above line and also tell him that he would loose his respect infront of others i.e your parents or outsiders if he keeps throwing tantrums like this and in future no one would care such peoples words. Dont prolong the discussion from there. just suggest this point and then say..youknow every thing and am sure you know this too...but me being worried about your respect I have to remind you of this. and move away. lets see if it works on him or not!

    Reg. your India trip...After your inlaws return back to India, are you going to India at that time?? or is your trip totally cancelled? Why dont you just keep cool till your inlaws return back to India?? One way its good because your husband wont be with them totally when they come back to your house and you would also know whats going on in the house as you being around in your house.

    Just keep some patience. Dont get outright irritated or upset. Observe things around you. See what they are talking and doing. Let them go back to India. Till that time lay low. After they return back to India, you can initiate the topic of your India visit. (this is not the time to fight about your India trip or leave your inlaws in US and go to India trip...not the time at all wouldnt work that way!)
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2010
  5. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    Vidhya,

    They are going on the 27th of june and I was going to leave 6th june as tickets are too expensive in July. June July are the only two months kiddos school will be out so cant go any other time otherwise we will lose the fees.

    I hear ya about laying low till they leave but always they trample over me and I have to bend for their egos. so feeling bad that everytime they have their way whie i adjust my situation. Just feel like leaving at the scheduled date but worried if he will call authorities and create some problem.
     
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Soni

    When you talk to your husband, it shouldnt look like as if you are accusing him or cornering him. Thats the problem here. or do not raise your voice or do not make it look as if you are trying to show him down.

    How would you strike a conversation??? when you see he is silent and normal and calm, just say that you know to cancel India trip tickets also we would loose money that is also waste. I also understand that its not right to go to India when inlaws are visiting us, but I was looking that there are only 2 weeks of gap I wont be here thats why I was asking you to let me travel as after inlaws leave again no point in booking tickets as kids school will start etc. try this method...but ensure at no time you raise your voice or makeit look like you are desperate to visit India.

    Also wht age is your kid??? I have seen my friends who take break from school if its kinder garten and go to India for couple of months (some said they even saved money for those 2 months of school fee etc).

    Just give it some time. Did he cancel the tickets yet? If not just give it some time..do not raise it as a daily topic to fight on. Just give it coupel of days...make his fav. food for dinner on a weekend or so and just initiate hte topic.

    Coming to your inlaws....Soni this is not new to many of our friends on this forum isnt it?? inlaws walking all over the DIL:hide: but as you know this is happening only because your husband is not on your side. He is playing as a individual player than as a team with you. Soo please try to understand that and divert your attention and do not take these things to your heart and mind. It would just frustrate you and make you more restless and irritated and that would lead to more arguments and fights. Not worth. so just put on a smile and nod your head for everything they say and let them leave the country with the happy feeling of making their DILs life sick.

    Do not drag things to an extent of he pushing things to an extent of stopping your kids visa or other travel papers. Do not do that. Your India trip should be a pleasant one , it shouldnt be something like where you leave forcibly and you start worrying whether he would let you back into the house in USA or not. So think is such trip even worth where if you go to India your marital life would be in jeopardy. Think about it and do not push things...go with the flow.
     
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Sonika, at this point of extreme ego hassel I persosnally feel that its better to spend some more money on tickets than leaving for parent's place against DH's wishes.

    All inlaws are alike & also when they're around their son's are no more our DH, so going by that won't a few additional $ worth spending? Also once he places a stay on child's passport I guess its going to be a torture for a lifetime to present father's consent at each travel.

    Its really bad to bear this forced stay/ torture/ tantraums however if you're ready to really get over with it forever then do take a plunge. What I read of your DH is that its going to be an UGLY final exit.
     
  8. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Soni,
    I understand you are going through extreme mental torture.At such times we loose our focus and try to survive on day to day basis.

    Think clearly what you want on the long run.
    • You want to live with your DH right?
    • You want a loving family with minimum interference.
    • You want to be respected in your own home.
    To get here you need to Respect yourself first and get confidence in yourself.If you have that then you can face anything...threats and warnings can only trouble insecure people.

    First of all talk to your parents and give your side of the story immediately depending on how much you want to reveal.
    Don't travel for now and stay the extra time. At least no one will be able to falsely accuse you.
    Only cowards threateb helpless people. So if you stand up they back down.

    Take Care.
    FL
     
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Soni,

    Is there any domestic violence in your relationship that you haven't mentioned?

    I hate to pry so much into your situation, but it's odd for a healthy grown woman to slip and break both her nose AND wrist... two body parts that abusers often go for.

    When I first read your post, the first thought that crossed my mind was whether you really slipped or whether your husband had hurt you. Sorry if my question hurt you but I think if he is physically hurting you, that is a necessary piece of information.
     
  10. SatiBalachander

    SatiBalachander New IL'ite

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    Hi Soni,
    I realize you do not want to talk about this accident. I am not going to ask what is it. I am sure you know the right thing is to eliminate the source of all these threats. As hard as it can be it is the way to get rid of half your problems. They are your parents they will understand. You have to stand up for yourself and talk to your husband. If you dont respect yourself nobody is going to
    Regards
    Sati
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2010

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