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never expected this from my hubby, not even in dream.... please help to decide...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pandu1, Jul 21, 2015.

  1. pandu1

    pandu1 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,
    I never expected that i will get in to this situation where i find my Dh is involved in with some other girl , he is really very nice and very caring husband and also dad. I never got a single doubt with his behavior , but today i was just using his phone and accidentally i have seen his skype contact where there are messages which makes me feel like there is something is going on. Let me explain this in clearly what happened today.

    I saw that girl sent messages like (hug and I love you ) symbols and she said in one instance she wish my DH would be with her... also she said he is her lion .. wants him to buy some gifts .. and said she will buy some gifts to him...
    and in another instance she said it is very cold, them my DH replied make me warm. how do i interpret these messages ? i can not explain in what situation i am in.. really girls never ever expected this from my man...( he loves me a lot and the kids)

    then i had to give my phone to my DH , and was much curious to read all messages to find out what is happening exactly... so i asked my hubby to give me his skype pwd and told him that i have some login issues with my skype and need to talk to my dad.. will use u r skype account. He acted like he forgot his pwd and meanwhile he deleted the lady's contact from his skype and gave me his password. When i logged in to his account, i did not see that girl name.. (my doubt got clear as if it is only friendlyness then why would he delete the contact)

    Later after 5 minutes , i asked him who is xxx(by saying her name), he said it is my friend, i asked him from how long u know her.. he said it him , not her and i know him from college days, i asked did u meet that guy recently.. he said no but in that message he asked my DH to come for lunch on thursday...

    then i told that and he said there is nothing in between us like what you are thinking and he said it is just casual messages, then i asked him why he deleted her account he said casullay he deletes the skype contacts some times.. and said why u deleted now itself, he has no answer... i want to talk to him regarding this .. but he is just avoiding to talk on this and left to office immediately and said we can talk abt it in the evening.

    but ladies what r u girls thinking by this conversation... honestly i never seen a single until today that there is someone in his mind not sure if theu have really physical relationship from long time or it is just starting but at the end of day i am not sure how to handle this

    please girl .. help me by giving some suggestions as what to do... dont know what he is going to talk to me in the evening
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Hugs to you OP.
    Your husband is lying through his teeth. There is something going on.

    What should you do?
    What do you want.?

    Do you want him to admit? What if he admits,what will you do??
    If you want him to admit and want to take it further,talk to him when he comes back and refuse to accept his stupid excuses.

    If you just want this to stop and are willing to ignore and forget ,then tell him clearly that you know what is happening.You are not an idiot.But you are willing to give him one last chance.You want him to stop,cut all contact and put a final end to it or else he loses everything.

    Third option is to wait an watch his next move.
     
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  3. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    The conversations are pretty clear. There is something def. going on. Ask him to come clean and talk. Give him silent treatment until then and move out in a different room.
     
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  4. pandu1

    pandu1 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Yellomango.. i really dont what to do .. even if he admits .. i got cheated.. how do i trust him one more time.. he will be smart with his moves next time..doesn't give me clues to find out abt them... shall i just simply forget abt everything and go ahead..(still at the back of my mind i will be scared to trust him in any matter) ... how could a person do this to his beloved wife... i am like can not share to anybody..or concentrate on anything.. not even on my work or kids..

    sorry to ask u like this but what u girls do if u encounter a situation like this.. what would be good move
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    OP...I feel so bad for your heart breaking situation.

    People react differently.It also depends on the extent of the relationship.Wait and find out how far this has gone.Is this an online affair? Is it some online sexting without actual meeting? or is it a full fledged affair? ?
    And you are right. You can't trust him any longer.....not till he really works very hard for it.

    Once again ,hugs to you. I wish you tons of strength to deal with this sanely.Just take a deep breath and wait for his explanation.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP,

    Sorry for the situation you are facing. Reading through what happened after your discovery, looks like your DH took advantage of no evidence, and your questions being easy to deflect or evade. And the timing - when he can escape by 'going to work.'

    Think a bit coolly before next move. In the evening, don't blurt out more questions, more allegations. Play it slowly. Be your usual self, but a little less talk. Let him wonder for a while what you are thinking, what you are going to do, ask. Chances are he will himself bring it up. If he does, simply listen. If he blames you for being suspicious, simply listen, don't respond to his accusation. If he asks what you are thinking, or what you want to know/do, pause and say you need time to process what you know and whether/when to get a third-party's advice. Third party such as close friend or family.

    Basically, third option from ym's post above:
    If you do ask him questions, and when you ask, have specific questions. Repeat if needed. Do not enter into discussion on off-shoot questions. Make sure the questions are close-ended (that is response can be yes/no or brief).

    Above all... above all, do not get emotional and start a huge row. Be cool, almost icy cool. And, keep the discussions brief. Do not discuss it over phone or chat. Do not discuss it when he can walk away with an excuse like 'got to go to work/sleep'

    The shock has had time set in. Now, time to be cool, and calm.

    Not easy, but you can do it.
     
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  7. JustLikeYou

    JustLikeYou Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Like other OP's suggested, now it's time to think thoroughly.

    I just want to point out the mistake you made in your previous move and I want to mention it because i dont want you to repeat it..
    "acting too fast"

    Now whatever he does there is going to be no evidence.....

    Distance yourself from the current situation and focus on your child and job. Think of him as a PG staying with you. Let it go like this for a while until a point where you can think of the situation as on outsider thinking about it.... Figure out what you want to do....
     
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  8. pandu1

    pandu1 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks girls for all your suggestions during my worst situation. we went out for lunch now to discuss abt it as it will be difficult to talk at home(our elders are at home) and also infront of kids. As per Rithika i kept quite and he brought the topic saying sorry for hiding about that chat. He explained me that she is another country( both used to work in the same company i mean offshore places, now she doesn't have job) and he said she started these kind of chat and he also continued, but he said he felt guilty multiple times and wanted to break the chatting .. but he did not. He told that there was no physical relationship with her but it was only texting (but they met few times for lunch when he went to that country on onsite and when she came here). He said he will break this up and tell her that it is over.. it is started when he was alone(i was in india) almost 6 months back and still continuing

    he just simply says it is just chatting nothing else... but what would have happened if she is physically here.. their relationship would have developed strongly?

    @justlikeyou: yes dear, i also felt the same that i acted it too fast.. but i couldn't control myself without bursting out.

    he said he will cut that chatting .. I will wait for him to show me the proof that he disconnected with her .. until that i will try to focus only on my kids (but it is hard to maintain at home as elders are there.. they will notice everything) ..
     
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  9. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Pandu,
    Sorry but my gut feel he is lying and is a bloody liar. He has met her few or more times, there is some level of physical involved (be it kissing or sex, who knows), this is my gut feel. I think he is lying.
     
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Pandu,don't feel bad about your outburst.It is natural.You are not a calculative robot.It was your outburst that got him to confess(coupled with the presence of elders).

    As for his explanation. I agree with Ragini ....Looks like he is good with the lying. He lied when you first caught him and now he is giving you his this.
    This looks like a version he thinks you will be comfortable living with.

    As for elders noticing,why are you worried? Let Mr.Keep me warm worry about them.

    If you are okay with this version,I suggest you give him some solid silent treatment. Don't try to please him and pleasure him to get your husband back .Don't reward him for cheating. Let him work on getting you back.

    And keep your eyes wide open.
     
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