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Nephew's Marriage Is In Trouble. Need Urgent Advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by hridhaya, Apr 24, 2018.

  1. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    @ashneys

    They already live in a duplex where the couple stays in the upper floor and inlaws stay in lower floor. Whenever she is angry, she goes up and refuses to come down. Couple of times, my sis in law and brother had to plead her to come down to have food. She doesnt engage herself in household work and mostly spends time on phone. No idea what she is upto in life.

    Like you said, the couple need to talk in private and take further steps.
    If she is not willing to counsel nor ready for separation, what to do?
    I dont think her parents would allow her to divorce that easily either. Its easy if their daughter is the victim but what if they are aware its her temperament thats the root of the problem? They will certainly try to push her back into my nephew's life. If he doesnt want to live with her, how to get divorce with mutual consent?
     
  2. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    I wouldnt give a clean chit to your nephew and your cousin & her husband so easily. The problem may not only be her attitude but also how you/your family perceives it (blaming instead of having an open mind, accepting her faults & view point etc), how they handle it (fanning the flames by taking sides vs taking an objective approach) and your cousin's own contribution to the problem.

    This is the real problem. Not just "she" or "her temperment" is the "root problem".

    Nobody is perfect. We all have our faults and the only way to co exist is to make sure our faults dont worsen a tough situation or amplify the other person's faults or tendency to react negatively.

    Regular people with fully functional communication skills run into issues at inlaws place. Here we see a girl with speech/hearing impediments, with language barriers on top of it, living with people she is not used to. So i would give her and her temperment a long berth. She needs to be treated with a lot of love and patience, people need to accept that she is flawed and still is lovable. Yes she expresses her frustration with aggression.. but several of those who have physical/emotional challenges react like this when pushed to a corner. So tread with care. Dont take a blaming approach but apply an empathetic approach where there is sincere desire is accept, love and help her. Only that can resolve this crisis.
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2018
  3. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    Fine. what should be done now? Boys family is ready for marriage counselling. Girl is refusing. Should we tolerate her? her?
     
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  4. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Do nothing. For now, let them stay seperately even. Let them get to know each other as friends. Invite her home often. Go and visit her often with gifts. Do not expect that she shld do house work. Accept that she is special needs person. Dont impose traditional DIL expectations upon her. Give this another 3 months while doing all I suggested. Then let them decide what to do next. Your nephew shld learn in the meantime to be independent and be ready to move out. If he has no courage for that, why get married at all ?
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2018
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  5. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    On one hand you want the DIL not to be expected to be the traditional DIL since she is a special needs person. But on the other hand you want the nephew to become independent and be ready to move out.(considering he is also a special needs person)

    OP,
    The girl wants to live with her parents in another state. So is her relationship with inlaws bad? And you also mention that she bad mouthed about her husband to her friends. So with whom is she actually having issues? If it is mainly gelling with inlaws, it doesnt make sense if they live on the first floor but yet have to come down to eat. If they stay separate it means they also need to cook separately. Give her that freedom such that she doesnt have to mingle with her inlaws day in and day out. Also she will learn the responsibility of living alone, but yet your nephew can have the safety of living with parents due to their special needs.

    Going by what you have mentioned, the husband and wife need some solitude to bond with each other. Your brother and SIL maybe good and balanced, but you do not know how they are as inlaws. Even if they are good people, the relationship between the couple is more important now. So give them some arrangement wherein they can live separate but yet you people can support during their times of need. I am sure they both will become mature going down the years and will handle things in a better way.
     
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  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @hridhaya long time.

    a new city is daunting for a abled person.

    now we have two differently abled.
    your nephew’s parents maybe good but look at it from a girl who comes from a smaller city, cocooned by her parents.

    the nephews parents may be atill attentive of his needs so much she feels insecure.

    financial constraints and difficulties in living alone are all fine but how long can your cousins support. they got him married so they know he can manage.
    wean off a bit. let them scratch, mend between themselves.

    give the marriage time

    p.s. a nephew or a son can be a good man or a gentleman. the good husband certification is valid only when issued by the wife.vice versa holds good too
     
  7. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks to everyone for giving different pov..what do you say when you hear that the girl raised her hand against her mil as if to hit her(may be in a heated argument). do you think how far the relationship will go? is it fair to expect the boy to live with the girl when he knows that she has zero respect for his parents?

    It is not like she wasnt showered love or gifts. My nephew has done his best in the short time and his only problem is he refuses to move out with her bcos he knows he might struggle to survive and he loves his parents too. Is that unfair? But he is not a doormat type nor my sil is dominant about everything. Yes it is difficult for her since the place is new but whats the point in being moody and angry? My sil fears for son's safety and future at this time. Before marriage, the girls family knew the boys family would support both monetarily and it is necessary. Would they like to continue if the girl moves in with her parents?

    I cant think of one good reason in her favor. She is being foolish without forethought.

    I will reply individually in some time.
     
  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    i have a niggle.. she is prone to show her frustration by hitting??
    could she be used to that. her parents only hold the cue.

    is she a single child.
     
  9. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    no she has a sibling. but doesnt share a good relationship with her mother or sibling. Father and daughter get along.

    Now my sil wants to identify if she has any sort of depression or anger management issues.
     
  10. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    6months is a short notice to decide if she is worth to tolerate. She is also from a small world of parents and her surroundings May be she needs that gap, as she might be unsure of how to express her insecurity.

    Your nephew by all means is another girl's husband who entered the committed relationship so he must find out what really is bothering her. Always its easy to separate people but difficult to coexist so let him choose the difficult path so that he can realize about his relationship..
    With their ability they can surely make a blissful life, only if both mend on some terms so arrange for a family meeting or a luncheon so both the families let go the ego and help the couple to start their life.

    If she is not accepting to anything give her time to miss her husband if he is worth it and vice versa the relationship will stand tall.. Time will heal...
    Talk to her parents in private and know the stand. She might have her explanation for her behavior ... Find out and resolve ...

    Today's society is missing tolerance so let us develop it from our home and in our own relationships ....
     

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