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Nephew's 1st Birthday Attend Or Not - What Should I Do?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by soulful, Mar 13, 2022.

  1. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello All, It's been a while! i need some help sorting my thoughts.

    My brother's child - my nephew's first birthday is coming up soon, and we have been 'invited'. we have not been able to go for any of their functions - pre and post birth because of covid. so this would be a perfect opportunity - covid is waning (hopefully. touchwood), BUt problem is - now i don't want to go. why? my parents are there. relationship with my mother has soured, especially in the past few years. i feel like i am being strong armed and manipulated into going just because she wants people to celebrate her "GRANDSON". yup! male gender is important to her...

    relationship with my sil - well, let's just say the aversion is mutual. I don't want to go, she probably hopes i won't. my brother - we have had a decent relationship , not big on feelings but we have each other's back. but now, i don't know if it is still that way, because you know...he is married and all.

    There's also another problem - finances - it's expensive for 4 people. we have calculated all possible ways, no difference. if i go, i don't want to stay more than 2 days/nights. too much money being paid for a trip that's more stressful than happy. Doesn't add up in mind. Husband says we must all go. i say, just me and my child - my toddler will not stay without me during nights. days are probably fine.


    Only reason i am willing to go - is that child. (and may be my brother and father.)

    please help! thanks!
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I would suck it up and go for your nephew. Plus if you don’t go it will be held against you, people may gossip and even your brother might become resentful. Make sure you get your own accommodations so you don’t have to spend too much time together apart from the function.
     
  3. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    At the end of the day people matter more than money. It is a memory. Mom will be there and may not be there after a time but this memory will be cherished by you and all. Maybe one day you may need them. So every thing is a blessing! I will say if everything is fine I think money should not be the deciding factor. U should go with family and be more supportive!
     
  4. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    I would also just go
    Many times I forgo attending important events in the family and I regret it now
    How your mom sees her grandson shouldn’t matter to you
    When I was broken irrespective of difference I had with my siblings my family were of great support
    what issues you have mentioned are minor
     
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  5. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    yea i guess, i have no way out. I have been doing this forever, trying to handle relationships by going against what i want, but it feels like i am the only one doing the hard work. Everyone seems content hurting me and yet expecting and preaching to me about maintaining relationship. Especially my mother - she actually said stuff against me, walked all over me, and when she realized i don't seem too keen to go for the birthday, she started her speech on how it is "our" responsibility to forge and maintain relationships because we will need them eventually. WOnder if that applies to her and her DIL.

    thankyou!
     
  6. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Actually how she sees her grandson does matter to me, because i am a "girl" and I have felt like I am not enough all my life. All thanks to my mother. I had a daughter after 11 years of marriage, that's when I realized it is possible to love a daughter as fiercely as one can love a son.

    I have gone through rough times but my mother was the worst and got no support. My brother was better and that's why I am on the fence, If it were just my mother and DIL, i would have never had this dilemma.

    My issues are definitely minor in the large scheme of things. That's not to say there's not been much heartache behind the scenes. I just summarized it.


    thankyou for your input. I do appreciate it. Just wanted to let you know where I am coming from.
     
  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, makes sense. thankyou!
     
  8. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    I am walking in the same shoe like u ! I have a brother and he got all support, love and care. I have a daughter and I showed all love to her! I can totally understand your feelings! But how can u blame the new born for this! Or how can u blame ur brother. Your mom did all this Bc that’s the way she was brought. Everything is changing. Peoples thought process has changed! But I totally understand your feelings? Bc I feel the same day in day out. All fate nu I’m moving on!
     
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  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You cannot change your mother’s behavior unfortunately, as wrong as it may seem. The only thing you can do positively is to learn from her mistakes and break the cycle for the next generation, as you have done with your daughter. Vent here and to others who will understand.
    Keep an eye on the bigger picture though. After your parents generation you will be left with only your sibling to navigate the rest of your lives. Maintain those family relationships as best as you can. We don’t know how the future will unfold but early family bonds have their own special value as compared to trying to re-establish connections at a later date when everyone has set opinions and long-time grudges.
     
  10. MadhuRK

    MadhuRK Silver IL'ite

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    Hi @soulful

    Everybody has their own agenda, their own motivations for inviting you, for wanting you to go, for not wanting to go etc.

    Why don't you also have your own agenda ?

    • Go there with an agenda to enjoy and coo at a new-born baby (showing that loving kids can come from an unconditional liberating place)
    • Go there with an agenda to introduce your daughter to her cousin and shower equal love on both kids (stomping down on the blatant gender differences and biases in the room)
    • Go there and tell both the kiddos loudly in front of everyone in the room, that you are both cousins and you both must always be there for each other long after the elders are all gone (show people that you have long-term mindset and reminding people that kids outlive parents, mostly, hopefully)
    • Go there and royally ignore your mother and enjoy the festivals and good food (demonstrating to your mother that you are having a happy life inspite of her, not because of her).
    • With your mutual aversion SIL, go there and be polite and nice (show her what touch-and-go relationships are made of)
    • With your on the fence brother, go there and genuinely ask about his health, his work, job, career, his sleeplessness with the new born baby. (show him what a sister feels for a sibling, reciprocity not withstanding)
    Do any of these agendas resonate with you ?

    Bottomline: Don't allow somebody else to control your agenda, your narrative, your decisions, your trip plans. Go or don't go, but decide for yourself and make peace with your decisions.

    Good luck.
     
    joylokhi, soulful, SunPa and 3 others like this.

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