Neighbors From Other Cultures- Friends Or Not

Vaikuntha · May 2, 2019

Do you have have neighbors from other cultures/ countries, is you are in US?

Are you friends with them?

Who extended the friendship?

Did you reject some of these friendships?

Did you face rejection in these friendships?

Do only make friends with other Indians in your neighborhood? or are inclusive? And why?

SpringB · May 3, 2019

hermitcrab said: ↑

Did you reject some of these friendships?
Click to expand...

No. I am open to new friendships with neighbors from other cultures.

hermitcrab said: ↑

Did you face rejection in these friendships?
Click to expand...

Yea mostly only from Indian community

hermitcrab said: ↑

Do only make friends with other Indians in your neighborhood? or are inclusive? And why?
Click to expand...

Not necessarily. If we get along will be friendly with whoever.

Yes to the rest

Vaikuntha · May 3, 2019

@SpringB
Nice that you are open to all friendships.
Those desis who rejected your friendship- they don't know what they missed
But it is so true, we judge our fellow desis more. And it is so hard to break into a circle of desis.

My answers:

Do you have have neighbors from other cultures/ countries, is you are in US?
Yes, I do have neighbors from all parts of world.

Are you friends with them?
10 years back, I was very friendly to everyone. With age I am changing, against my better judgement.

Who extended the friendship?
For me, the friendships work, only if it was extended by the other person- desi or non desis friendships.
When I extend it, it is usually short lived, even if accepted.

Did you reject some of these friendships?
I was never kinda person, who turn down an invitation or friendship, but like I said- I am changing and trying to understand why I am changing.

Did you face rejection in these friendships?
Several times. People said "what?!" to my hello, some just made twisted mouth....several rejection, even to simple hello- from desis.
Non Desis were more consistent- if they kept at hello- they continued at nice Hellos.
Desis are not consistent, some became acquaintances even after rejecting me first. I did the same, rejected some and then later took them on their offer.

Do only make friends with other Indians in your neighborhood? or are inclusive? And why?
Strangely, I do not want to be friends with non desis. I have few non desis friends but I do not want to invest in any new ones. May be it's phase.
I want to make new desi friends, though. I don't feel great writing this, but I am not so open minded at this phase of my life. I guess, we change and with the changing requirements of our children/ families.

SpringB · May 3, 2019

@hermitcrab over the years I realized that Desis had been more judgemental. more intruding, more secretive than non-desis. They could start out as friends and end up as aquaintances as you say. I never thought i could have a non-desi friend but after being open I now realize there is so much less drama with non-desis. There are nice families who are just like us who value relationships and family values more. When they become friends they would go to any extent to help you as much as they can without intruding much.

hermitcrab said: ↑

Non Desis were more consistent- if they kept at hello- they continued at nice Hellos.
Click to expand...

This what kept me at a distance but once I made good connection it was so easy to maintain the friendship with Non-desis. Very less expectation from both sides and very frank communication. Both parties know what to expect and we know where to draw the line too in sharing personal or not so personal details.

All in all Desi or non-Desi I appreciate friendships where there is less drama and simply truthful.

anika987 · May 3, 2019

I have stopped going behind friendships.For me it was more of a peer pressure to “have” friends.

That’s not me or the person that I am!
I used to think something for not right about me but I realized I am just avoiding my personality and trying to be like everybody else.

In this world,we are all acquaintances.One needs a lot of proximity for that to become friendships.After sometime,even friends turn foes and vice versa.

Another thing is..any relationship including friendship should be organic and should not require too much effort.
It should be natural and one needs to be who they are with the other person and comfortable.Anything more than that is never like minded or friendship.

Big gang groups will certainly have more drama and gossip and one to one heart felt conversations or small groups are much better.One cannot avoid drama
If one is in a gang.The only thing which helps is the attitude.

I used to be friendly only with desis initially coz I feel different when I moved here.

Now I talk to everyone friendly and realized we are all the same! I don’t have any expectation with anyone and am myself.

Suddenly ..I seem to know a lot more people!Indian and otherwise.All seem nice coz I have “ zilch expectations”.

Infact..I. never get too close either coz it will lead to expectations ha ha

More than anything..just being philosophical here..one needs to be best friends with ourselves first.Then you will learn that “being alone” and “being lonely” are two poles apart

Amulet · May 3, 2019

hermitcrab said: ↑

Do you have have neighbors from other cultures/ countries, if you are in US?
Click to expand...

Why USA vonly?
In India we have a culturally diverse bunch of “countries”. After the economic liberalization, there had been lots of movement of people to settle in different cultures than their own. A Telugu speaking Sikh is no longer an oddity.
People’s behavior towards neighbours might depend on their own perceived “permanency” of the stay.
There are desi in Amreeka with schemes to return home to Haryana once sufficient money had been made, or visa runs out, or parents want them home etc., and then there are desi who really settle, have Amreeki-passport, and even their thoughts about vada-pav had fuzzified.
This latter group could have the suitable mindset to get along well with neighbours.
All these are only problems for the people well above “the working class”.

Vaikuntha · May 4, 2019

@SpringB
It is true that our fellow desis can be more judgmental. And it is easier to maintain friendships with people of other culture.

I have thought about the issue, is may be because we can see through the veil, into the person, when we are talking to our own culture. We need not take the conversations on face value as we are able to see past the literal.
May be in case of other cultures, we have to stay at the literal/ face value of things/ conversation because many a times we are unable to read more than that?!

Vaikuntha · May 4, 2019

anika987 said: ↑

I have stopped going behind friendships.For me it was more of a peer pressure to “have” friends.

That’s not me or the person that I am!
I used to think something for not right about me but I realized I am just avoiding my personality and trying to be like everybody else.

In this world,we are all acquaintances.One needs a lot of proximity for that to become friendships.After sometime,even friends turn foes and vice versa.

Another thing is..any relationship including friendship should be organic and should not require too much effort.
It should be natural and one needs to be who they are with the other person and comfortable.Anything more than that is never like minded or friendship.

Big gang groups will certainly have more drama and gossip and one to one heart felt conversations or small groups are much better.One cannot avoid drama
If one is in a gang.The only thing which helps is the attitude.

I used to be friendly only with desis initially coz I feel different when I moved here.

Now I talk to everyone friendly and realized we are all the same! I don’t have any expectation with anyone and am myself.

Suddenly ..I seem to know a lot more people!Indian and otherwise.All seem nice coz I have “ zilch expectations”.

Infact..I. never get too close either coz it will lead to expectations ha ha

More than anything..just being philosophical here..one needs to be best friends with ourselves first.Then you will learn that “being alone” and “being lonely” are two poles apart
Click to expand...

@anika987
Everything you have written is so on point!
We do need a lot of time to make good friends and even then they may be a fall out.

I used to feel a need to be part of groups, not anymore. Are we all getting jaded?

We were taught to have lots of friends, can't imagine the pitiful eyes of people if they were told that one is friendless albeit happy.

We were encouraged to make friends, and if I was not a part any which group, I would feel - I am missing out on something.
Not any more!
I have been so content with whatever friend I have.
And just like you said, this change has come about by accepting my own company wholeheartedly.

With people moving countries, it is impossible to keep close friendships for long time - decades.

May be it is energy conservation technique by me, by wanting to invest in new ones especially the one with few more differences..

Vaikuntha · May 4, 2019

Amulet said: ↑

Why USA vonly?
In India we have a culturally diverse bunch of “countries”. After the economic liberalization, there had been lots of movement of people to settle in different cultures than their own. A Telugu speaking Sikh is no longer an oddity.
People’s behavior towards neighbours might depend on their own perceived “permanency” of the stay.
There are desi in Amreeka with schemes to return home to Haryana once sufficient money had been made, or visa runs out, or parents want them home etc., and then there are desi who really settle, have Amreeki-passport, and even their thoughts about vada-pav had fuzzified.
This latter group could have the suitable mindset to get along well with neighbours.
All these are only problems for the people well above “the working class”.
Click to expand...

So true Amulet, the working class has hardly time for friends, let alone for their spouse and children

Why would you say "Amreeka" with such disdain? Didn't we all wanted the same passport..

Have you read the old story "Kabuliwala"?
All this idea of making monies in distant land is nothing new, it is as old as the original Silk Road!

How Kabuliwala became friends with the little girl's family?
In distant land, we seek friends
In our own land, we seek monies
One who can have both in one place is the winner in life

SinghManisha · May 6, 2019

In the US and other western countries people bond over sports , kids activities involving sports or music/ arts. Most people including desis are selective about who they socialize with. This is mostly because of lack of time and making use of whatever little time to enrich their kids social experience. I am guilty of doing that too. So I have not made the attempt to connect with neighbors ( all non desis). One of them did suggest getting together for beer but honestly I would prefer hanging out with kids and their friends with chocolate milk.
I have friends that are non desis but they are through work and most socializing happens over eating lunch during lunch break.