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Negative Energy And Low Self Esteem - Need Advise - Due To Parents Behaviour

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by amnilakshmi, Jun 22, 2018.

  1. amnilakshmi

    amnilakshmi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    I need inputs and your views on negativity i receive when i meet my parents. To give you a little detail - i have a sis and mom of two. Both my kids were taken care by my parents while i go to work. 'my hubby and his relatives are a bit cranky type so this was for my parents advantage. They kept putting in poison and this led to lots of gap in my marital relationship. This problem did not occur in my sis family as her hubby is a relative of ours and she maintained a distance - she doesnt work so not daily interaction with parents.
    Now coming to my problem - they have taken money from me for my sis marriage (my mom insisted that i dont tell my hubby.) I didnt tell as there were many big problems like extra marital affairs for my hubby. That time they were my everything - so i gave them what they wanted. The problem here is not giving money - it is that they didnt tell my sis even that i had spent for her marriage. Next, when my sis gave birth to a baby - my mom had a heart attack and i was taken for granted as i had to take care of my parent, sis, her baby, her hubby and my kid too. I was in my moms place as my hubby was onsite. The thing is they dont have the courtesy till date on whatever i have done.
    There was a fight between my parents and my hubby and my hubby hit my mom. It was a blunder but i had no choice and had to continue with my hubby though i was hurt. I have also done tons of sacrifices for my hubby and his family but now the problem is not that. Even he doesnt feel the sacrifices. Anyways, My mom told me that i should not take it to heart that my hubby had hit her and should not fight with him and this relaxed me to a bit but later whenever i tell her that i had gone for a function or a party with him - she keeps saying that he had hit for on purpose and not mistakenly. I told her once that she only told me not to take it to heart or else i would have divorced him that day itself - for this she didnt even bother to reply . she at once changed the topic. This keeps happening now and then.
    Both my parents do not teach my kids good habits and it is like for the sake of taking care when i am not around . But when i am there they speak as though i should know everything. If i tell them not to do things like giving money to my kids - they start crying and emotionaly black mailing me. Whenever i go there i tend to attract negative energy and keep thinking and crying on my life. But there is nothing sever that has happened - all at least under control. Today my maid told me that she wanted another work and the only criteria is that the person whom she wud like to work with shud have an attitude like mine. In my 35 years of life- this is the first time some one has praised me. My parents do not praise me nor do they allow me to talk to anyone. They have full control over me even today. I am scared to do anything against their wishes in fact tell them each and everything. I am not able to censor things even today. So when i told my hubby that maid had told theis- he smiled and left for office. I said the same thing to my mom and she laughed and told- hey your maid is not mature enough to know you... if she gets to know you then she will run away. She also said this is the reason my hubby smiled silently. This hurted me a lot. I dont know what is wrong with them. Can some one advise on how to handle this ? The thing is they are above 60 and i feel it is my duty to take care of them .. so i go and see them daily.
    I am in a higher position in corporate - once i mentioned this to my dad and he said - I dont know how a company has given you such a big responsibiltiy... :) I sometimes feel like crying.. I am just venting it out here. These things happen regularly and is the basic cause for my short temper and negative emotions and low self esteem. Please advise. I have mentioned very little instances here as i couldnt type
     
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  2. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    You are doing your duty well regarding your parents. They controlling you even now is not good. Tell them directly that it is wrong . Telling inlaws what they are doing is very tough , but to your own parents you can correct it . It’s nothing wrong .

    If you feel they are teaching bad habits put them in a day care instead , you or your DH can pickup evening.

    Your DH beating your mom is definitely wrong ! Will he be ok if you had done the same to his mom ? Thinking it’s a blunder. May be sometimes she remembers that and feel sad about it.

    And regarding praising , anyone wants us to praise now and then , which boosts our self confidence. If they laugh at you ignore them , you know what you are and what’s your worth !

    And sometimes parents might even crack a joke on us , don’t take it to your heart.
     
    sindmani and GeetaKashyap like this.
  3. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    OP,

    Sometimes mistakes do take place from parents' side also. Your dependence on them may be allowing them to take you for granted. Some parents do tend to run down their own children. Either it is a habit they have formed or a method they use to keep you grounded and under some control. Know your worth and stop expecting their acknowledgement. It hurts, but try to get over it.

    On some pretext can you move your children to a daycare centre or keep a nanny at home? Can you reduce your visit frequency gradually? This way you will be sending them a strong signal and create a bit of distance. This will also help them to see your worth in their lives. You can continue to care for them but creating a little distance does help both of you to appreciate each other's roles in your lives. Regarding the money they borrowed from you, perhaps they feel they have a right over it since they take care of your kids. (!)
     
    radv, sindmani, shravs3 and 1 other person like this.
  4. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    You have everything in life.. husband, kids, very good job, parents to take care of your kids...still crying !!! Because your parents are not praising you !!

    Look like you have these negativity in yourself. Have you ever praised your parents and thanked them for raising you well to an independent smart lady. For giving you all the opportunities in life. Have you thanked your parents for taking care of your kids when you are away. It is not an easy job dear. Have you ever appreciated their contributions in your life. Start acknowledging others contribution, then you will get it back. Don't take funny comments by parents too serious. No one is perfect you or your parents. The fact that they are taking care of your kids alone is a reason to forget all their mistakes or imperfections. [ it is your and DHS job to take I'd your kids. Your parents are doing a great favor to you]

    I dont think anyone so easily forgive forget when their son in law hit them. Its wrong. She may be pretending ok, to help your marriage, but she don't have to do that to you . If they can raise you well , they can raise your kids too. Don't make small mistakes a huge issue. First see the help and blessings and ignore small things

    If you are worried about something, tell your parents about it including money issue. Don't keep everything in your mind. They are your parents. They dont have to thank you all the time. If you can thank them. Don't expect anything when you help somebody. Do it with your heart. Expectations kills happiness. Your father's comments on your job is just for fun. I think they are really proud of your achievements . Most parents dont praise kids as a precaution to not to spoil them.

    I think you have low esteem , low confidence. Your mind is your enemy. Please work on it. If you are negative every thing appears negative. Start working on it . Only you can change your attitude and approach to your life. Try to see positives in everything first

    If you are unhappy with parents stop depending on them. Opt for daycare or nanny. Maintain a distance and stay in your own house with husband and manage everything yourself.
     
    sindmani, IniyaaSri and radv like this.
  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    It's very difficult to judge people from a small post , still I will tell what I observed mistake us on both sides .
    Firstly ur husband .It seems , had extra marital affairS and hit ur mom once . Both are very big things . How can hitting an elderly person ever be justified . Am I to assume he accossionally hits you and the children and u accept it as just his Blunders ? Your mom loves u so to save ur marg she told not to react , but later on she occasionally brings it up . It's not surprising , anyone will behave that way . Ever imagine yourself in her shoes . At least u should assure her time and again that it was most painful incident of ur ife and u can never forget it .
    I do sympathise with u, growing up with critical parents is not healthy for anyone , maybe they do this to control u . But about maid and job , it sounded like joke. Still , If u sincerely believe ur parents are bringing negativity , then dont depend on them for our kids , maintain safe distance by putting kids in daycare.
    About asking money for ur sisters marriage , is it possible ur parents spent their savings to provide u a good education , and conduct ur wedding , buy u gold etc then maybe that's why they didnt had money left for ur sisters wedding . Its just a guess , u will know better in case u spent for ur own wedding , gold and education .
    U have forgiven ur DH of very big things .. I feel u r directing that hidden anger towards ur parents for small things . How can u hate yr mom for telling ur husband hit her when u happily talk about going for functions with him , but be cool abt your husband who actually hit her. Our society doesn't allow us to express our genuine anger and grievances towards DH and / or in-laws . So many people end up venting their frustrations on their own parents for minor things because they are easy targets .It seems u have done many sacrifices for ur in-laws then what's the big deal abt helping ur own parents with money once , when they raised u & raising ur kids too.
    You are financially independent and in a good post don't feel weak . Ask ur DH to give a proper apology to yr mom. Next find a daycare for ur kids . I think things will get better then.
     
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  6. amnilakshmi

    amnilakshmi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi nakshatra.
    Thanks for reply... Myself and share do not have any understanding.. we don't have good relationship either. Once in a while i accompany him for functions. As I told I able unable to type so cudnt give the entire context...

    Speaking to my parents makes me feel very low. They don't allow me to go anywhere... Not to drive... Not to speak to anyone... Before my marriage they used to say if I talk and have exposure I will elope... So even today I cant mingle with anyone.. this is in turn causing lots of issues in my marital life as I am not able to handle daily issues.

    Regarding day care and nanny.. it's not possible as my mom will not agree...
     
  7. Anisu

    Anisu Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    Do not share too many personal things with your parents.As long as you are dependent on them for taking care of kids, they will take you for granted. You should not burden them with your kids responsibility. I agree that it is tough to hide things even you meet them on day to day basis. Please take control of your life. You are an individual and you are the one who has to decide whether to hire a nanny or put them in daycare. Your parents cannot decide that. Be firm in your decisions. Both siblings should share the responibility of parents. You have to Be careful when you contribute financially. Your sibling should also know.
     
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