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Needy Elder Brother...frustrating To Deal

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by hridhaya, Sep 29, 2018.

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  1. Sep 30, 2018 #31
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    That is asking for trouble.
    What if he doesn't pay back or not on time.
    Will it change your equation with your husband ?
    You are not working right now....

    Loans work on interests.Does he not know that?
    Did someone give him this idea of interest free loan?

    Will this end here or will this continue for future loans too?

    Will he learn responsibility if you give him interest free loan?


    I feel except for medical emergencies....siblings should not ask for money .Give only if you are okay losing the money without resentment.

    Your feelings for your brother are really confusing.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2018
    yellowmango, Sep 30, 2018
    yellowmango, Sep 30, 2018
    #31
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  2. Sep 30, 2018 #32
    Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    You have a good heart.
    You must give your brother the money.
     
    Amulet, Sep 30, 2018
    Amulet, Sep 30, 2018
    #32
  3. Sep 30, 2018 #33
    hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

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    You have raised some valid questions and I have the same thoughts too. I don't want to open a new chapter of conflicts with him. I don't have any feelings for him at this time. I cannot believe how a guy who thinks twice about the bank interest blatantly announces he wants to fly to some foreign land. Even it be a careless loose talk, it just lowered the respect.
    In this purchase matter, I just want to make sure that the decision taken is correct and not taken in selfish interest. I think I need to quickly check with my husband again after the recent developments.

    Should I just ask my brother openly if he needs help?
     
    hridhaya, Sep 30, 2018
    hridhaya, Sep 30, 2018
    #33
  4. Sep 30, 2018 #34
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Children who grow up in a dysfunctional family tend to keep looking for that elusive more normal childhood and family ties well into adulthood. "Why should I feel pressured to fulfill his life dreams?" Yes, why should you? We can write 20 pages listing reasons why you should not, but, it won't change anything. It is just too complex. A very competent therapist can help you begin to find the reasons. A complete analysis won't happen. Your mind won't let it as that would be giving up some notions and pretenses that bring you comfort.

    What you should ideally do to maintain your happy life is:
    - realize that the pursuit of happiness, mental peace and a happy marriage are not only your right, but your duty to yourself.
    - realize that giving the money that you have given and will give for parents is not running away from anything. Parents can manage to survive without your brother's support, not without money. Support/help can be hired, money cannot be plucked off trees. Never underestimate what you do for parents. Your brother could also live separately. Appreciate and acknowledge what the sibling living with parents is doing, but don't go overboard in gratitude and don't overdo the trying to make up for it.
    - what you really need to do is stop thinking so much about your brother and his choices. And stop giving so much importance to his words.
    - any money you give him or parents, you should just give it. No loan. And no comments about their other spending or money decisions. Giving money does not give you the right to judge what they do with your money or their other money.

    His U.S. trip wish seems to be the current main problem. Ask yourself a few more questions:
    1. Is there any property or other assets that your parents have, that will outlast them, and is there some idea who (all) will get that?
    2. Is your U.S. relocation permanent?
    3. Would you care if relationship becomes so strained that you have no family to visit in India?
    4. If you have a kid, do you care if kid has no contact with your family? Or very less contact?
    5. You are doing better than your brother. Is it due to your ability or some elements of luck too?

    Analyze away... Weekends are the time these thoughts surface more in the mind. Come Monday, life calls. Learn how to respond with a "we shall see" to comments like "want to visit the U.S." Have 3-5 non-committal responses ready. Do not give a yes/no answer. Resist the urge to nip the matter in the bud.

    The loan thing -- it is a no-brainer. Don't give it. You will not see that money back, and you are so judgemental of him that giving him the money as a gift will never bring you any satisfaction.

    A happy you is something you owe your husband and any kid(s) you have. For that you need to distance yourself from your family. It is OK to do that. Not all parents deserve full love and care in old age. Growing up in a dysfunctional family is like being in a bank heist with 3-4 others, all not very keen about the whole thing. Once it is over, all walk their independent ways. You made it fine out of the dysfunctional family. Now, pursue your happiness and pursue avoidance of unpleasantness without any guilt.
     
    Rihana, Sep 30, 2018
    Rihana, Sep 30, 2018
    #34
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  5. Sep 30, 2018 #35
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If you ask him ,he will say yes.
    Then what happens?
    1) You help out but end up with resentment.
    2)You refuse and spoil relationship.

    He is still young. Let him earn the new purchase the hard way like most people.
    Let him learn a lesson on better balance between saving and enjoying.
    Interest free loan is like another lost opportunity.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2018
    yellowmango, Sep 30, 2018
    yellowmango, Sep 30, 2018
    #35
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  6. Sep 30, 2018 #36
    armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    You have lot of resentment on your brother, so don't help with loan as it will add up your resentment.

    In supporting parents , yes money helps but the person physically supporting ends up with lot more responsibility and duties than giving some money every month.

    If you really want to help your brother in longer term you can support him in his USA visit plan than loaning him money now. for now don't commit on anything on USA visit.
     
    armummy, Sep 30, 2018
    armummy, Sep 30, 2018
    #36
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  7. Oct 1, 2018 #37
    troubledmom

    troubledmom Gold IL'ite

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    Since there is so much history and bitterness I feel you should wait for him to actually open his mouth and ask you or your husband for the loan. It doesn’t seem like he has actually asked you guys for help with this necessary purchase. Don’t anticipate and offer in advance. Wait for him actually ask you. Then you and hubby should think about it. And decide.

    Be clear in your own mind. Let them be specific. In my experience lot of family misunderstandings arise from unsaid, half said or partly understood issues.
    He is an adult and knows what he is doing- always go by that assumption. It could be that he is thinking you are gonna move soon and will have your share of expenses and is therefore hinting to see what you react without actually coming out. Be immune to hints.
     
    troubledmom, Oct 1, 2018
    troubledmom, Oct 1, 2018
    #37
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  8. Oct 1, 2018 #38
    Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    A nice post and good advice. But then...
    do life's lessons sink in well enough without paying the appropriate tuition fees ?
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2018
    Amulet, Oct 1, 2018
    Amulet, Oct 1, 2018
    #38
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  9. Oct 3, 2018 #39
    Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    My thoughts were like yours until I read post #3
    "Upon reconsideration , as ur mom is narcissistic and u both suffered a lot under her and he has to "put up with them ". Living together means a lot of sacrifice , loss of privacy, permanent responsibility to take care of elderly later which is hard , and probably loss of ones own peace of mind as u already said u suffered a lot under narcissistic mom . Now u are free even going to US as u don't have that responsibility . But he has that responsibility forever.....
    The only thing u are expected to to pay and give loan for any big purchases, usually necessities. So I think u got the better.deal. Also he takes care of them financially for all normal expenses apart from physical care .And u are better off and can afford and ur husband also seems supportive.He is forced to stay with parents in spite of the abuse , Son just can't escape abuse .So please have sympathy."

    Caring for parents should be shared between children - son and daughter. After #nakshtra1 post about reconsideration, I concur with her views.
     
    Topaz49, Oct 3, 2018
    Topaz49, Oct 3, 2018
    #39
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  10. Oct 3, 2018 #40
    SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I have to concur too.
     
    SinghManisha, Oct 3, 2018
    SinghManisha, Oct 3, 2018
    #40
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