Needy Elder Brother...frustrating To Deal

What I understood is that he lives with ur parents & takes care of them physically and financially (day to day expenses ) , while u take care of any big purchases . Every child.has equal responsibility towards parents , so thats only fair ..But not for.siblings.

Make clear that u have your own family to take care of and he needs to be responsible for his (wife and kids ) ..Say u can only help for parents needs that's it . It is no ones responsibility to take care of siblings and their luxuries . He should never be encouraged as it will lead to.more expectations .

As u said ur mom.has narcissistic personality and u like to be free , maybe his household tension living with her 247 makes him too frustrated as . The ones who provide physical care do have resentment toward other siblings as it is not an easy job to take care of elderly ttat too narcissistic ones . If u feel u can't convince him , then instead u directly take half responsibility of ur parents . Tell him parents will stay with u at least half the year , and he should not have any financial expectation from u now on .If u feel u can't tell him directly say ur husband said no as u are planning some fund if your own .These kind of persons , the more u give the more they expect ..they never pause and think about ur problems .Tell him u r.ready to take.equal responsibility of parents but u will not do his share .And definitely.not.sponsor any foreign trips.

 

Upon reconsideration , as ur mom is narcissistic and u both suffered a lot under her and he has to "put up with them ".
Living together means a lot of sacrifice , loss of privacy, permanent esponsibility to take care of elderly later which is hard , and probably loss of ones own peace of mind as u already said u suffered a lot under narcissistic mom . Now u are free even going to US as u don't have that responsibility . But he has that responsibility forever (because son??)

The only thing u are expected to to pay and give loan for any big purchases, usually necessities. So I think u got the better.deal. Also he takes care of them financially for all normal expenses apart from physical care .And u are better off and can afford and ur husband also seems supportive.He is forced to stay with parents inspite of the abuse , Son just can't escape abuse .So please have sympathy.

So u should help him with the loan as he needs it unless he has habit to not return loans . Thatw at u r indirectly doing it share for parents as they are dependent on him .I have just given my perspective . Decide accordingly to ur real situation u will know better. But I think u should not fund his US trip thats just too much .

 

You can lend your brother the money for his purchase if you are prepared to write it off in case he doesn't pay you back. Otherwise let him take a bank loan. That might also force him to be more responsible as the bank will not listen to excuses.
You should not be concerned with paying for his trip to the US. He can visit you when he is financially able. We do take care of family members' expenses once they arrive in the US to visit, but other than parents everyone is responsible for their international airfare.

 

Having emotionally/ financially needy family member can be really stressful and mentally draining. The more handholding you do the more dependent your brother will be on you. You have to do him a favor and let him figure out his finances for himself. Is he capable of getting a bank loan for himself ? If yes then you should let him figure it out.
Tell him you have your expenses and you cannot pay for a US trip or anything else.
The more you do the more bitter you will be. Your relocation to the US might actually be a positive thing for you. Don’t feel guilty if you decide to prioritize your peace of mind and happiness over everything else.

 

Just say no. Rinse and repeat as often as needed.

 

You have learn the art of saying 'NO'. It will not be easy for him to digest it. Be ready for negative reactions.
Regarding US trip, dont encourage any talk on it. If he still continues you can say let us talk about it once we go and settle there. Or you can say, you dont know how easy it is to get visiting visa for an adult of his age ( It is not easy). US has made the rules very strict. Let me explore and let us discuss about it later. Then he has to try for VISA. It is another process. Ticket is also expensive. You can say these reasons later. But now just postpone the talk like, we talk about it later.

You can help him as much as you want. If you feel that its too much for you to afford it, you have say NO, sorry that I cannot give, I dont have that much money.. Please try for a loan etc..Stick with what you say.