Needed to vent.Tell me what to do please...............

chetavani50 · Oct 4, 2013

Hi all,
My DH is a control freak and I mostly (95%) adjust to him. I just listen to what he says. I will never utter any word against him. Please don't think that I am over-acting! There is a reason for it. I earn more (almost double) than my DH and so that his ego will not be hurt I oblige. And donno whether he has taken advantage of this or he himself thought that I should dominate her or else I will be no-where, I am used to listening and he is used to telling. He regulates every issue of mine. Like I should not go for shopping alone and frequently , should not go to parlours , should come home directly from office, should take care of DDs studies(he says it is not my kind of work. ) .He says I don't know anything, I donno how to speak to people. if I ask him to help me with the busy morning work ,he says a plain NO. Actually I have to leave home by 8-20 in the morning and before that time I have to cook, pack boxes and clean up the mess(again it should not be dirty!) . I have to travel 30kms to my workplace and I come back at 6-30 pm. His office is just beside our house. The only one thing he does is he receives DD after she comes from school. He is not cruel but he is adamant. Everything should go as per his wish only. We are just dolls to him.My DD listened to him when she was small but These days my DD is asking him,"It's my wish. Why do u interfere?"

The problem is that I don't have (or I am made not to have?) an individuality and I am a bit afraid of him. I have told him many times that wife and husband relation should not be made up with frightenings and he never changed. Please tewll me how to develop the courage to talk to my DH about my feelings. When asked he says u r given much freedom - u cook what u like!! Please help ladies.....

gurpreetsingh · Oct 4, 2013

Why dont you keep maid and cook instead of asking him help . ( If you dont want a cook , you can just have a person for cutting veggies and other side tasks)
Either your H is having inferiority complex or whether he is naturally a dominating character i dont know , but you dont worry about all these and have full focus on your kid ..

Iamagoodgirl · Oct 4, 2013

people do not change.You can just keep yourself busy and avoid him as much as possible.Thats the option apart from divorcing him.

anjananathan · Oct 4, 2013

dear op,

your husband sounds totally cruel to me.. i dont know why you think he is adamant and not cruel.. i dont know whether it can be thought how to develop courage.. its already within you.. remove below from your life..

always listening and adjusting
being afraid of him..

and start speaking up what you think, how you feel and what you want.. never change from that.. slowly things will fall in place.. when your DD at this age can have courage to speak back, then you can as well..

watch some inspiring movies, read good books (freedom fighting, revolutions) .. these can help you a bit.. but courage is within you

sumalynux · Oct 4, 2013

First thing is try to have maid for house hold work..
You can only take care of cooking and DD's studies..

Instead of being afraid of him, try to develop love towards him,
Instead of going shopping alone, make it a family shopping,
family dinner, and movies...

Sometimes leave kid at your moms, or leave kid at school take a day off,
and you to go out for movies/lunch... Try to be extra romantic and nice
to him...Please him, but dont be scared of him..

yellowmango · Oct 4, 2013

You forgot to add..."but he is nice and loves me".

simpleMom · Oct 4, 2013

First, you hire maid to help you with household work. It is not good to bring up earnings while discussing co-habitation agreements. How to tell your husband to discuss with you and not order you? Hmm. Big question. It is going to be a big personality change for him - which I suspect will happen at this age. His mind-set is tuned to pre-british era.

When is he best open to conversation with you? Is it possible for you tell him that it is important for both parents to be involved in raising a child, it is not good for your DD to see her mother disrespected at her home? What do you want her to be like when she grows up? Listen to her spouse and not say anything? In a nice way.

Regardless of whether he helps or not, you first get self help. Hire maid to help you with cooking, cleaning, washing etc so that you can focus on your child when you come home.

simpleMom · Oct 4, 2013

yellowmango said: ↑

You forgot to add..."but he is nice and loves me".
Click to expand...

I was wondering the same. What is up with women that the situation they describe is no less than hell but somehow believe that hell + DH's love is heaven. I think, in some societies, women are conditioned like that.

guesshoo · Oct 4, 2013

OP, your husband has systematically set out and eroded your confidence. What you need first is counselling to regain your self esteem. By criticising everything about you he has made you feel that you will be nothing without him while in truth the fact is that he will be a big zero without you. A counsellor will help you see that. If you can make time in your schedule to even get telephonic consultation, it will be brilliant for you... Seriously, take an hour off from office once a week and see a counsellor. Then you can yourself decide what to do with him. Make sure you nurture you DDs spirit in fighting back. Please please don't make her too put up with his bullsh1t

chetavani50 · Oct 4, 2013

Thank u for all ur replies. And the maid! It is in his hands. He decides what works the maid should do at our home and he talks to her regarding payment also. Even though I told him many times I will take care of that he has the same old answer u donno.practically I know what to do.u just shutup.
Everything is in his control. He enjoys it. Whenever I try to explain, he argues very toughly. I feel very sad but again I take it light. And at MILs house, she is the king there.FIL listens.
.