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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by confused4sure, Oct 8, 2015.

  1. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    All -

    Its been a while since I posted here, but have always enjoyed reading all your advice in the forum. I try to read to see if my point of view is biased or if I have unreasonable expectations. (and sure, I have found some!)

    here is my current situation:

    I have posted previously about my struggles during my 2nd pregnancy when my in-laws came to "help" (to be fair, my FIL is great person, and was indeed a great help to me. He always goes above and beyond what you would expect from a 70 year indian FIL; and I am grateful to have had him here)

    anyways, by the end of their visit, my MIL had a huge explosion on me. saying I don't treat her right - she does not have any rights in the house, I hate that she is close to my husband, she cannot even feed my husband (really!?), she cannot cook anything for him, even her maid in india has more freedom...etc..etc..

    I was very shocked. My husband never spoke a word during this melt down. not in her favor, not in my favor. So I was sort of happy with his response. I did not care that he did not stand up for me, coz that would just create more issues. so I left at that. 2 more awkward months passed. but she cared for my kid when I went to work, and I was thankful for that. I even apologized to her saying I never meant for her to feel all that she felt. If I made a mistake sorry etc. they left to India.

    After they left husband started saying I made his life hell when his parents were here, he was depressed because of my behavior. Now he has said that almost everytime we have an argument. and we have managed to work it out.... sort of.

    Last night, we were in car with kids, and were just talking about a friend whose mom was admitted in hospital in India. I asked my husband, if he called the friend to check how his mom was doing. and something just flipped... in my husband.

    he became ballistic. "why do you care so much about his mom. have you ever asked how my mom is doing. she is the one who took care of your kids. you don't bother about her. do you know how many time she has been to the hospital? how many times have you talked to her on the phone? why do you care so much about his mom? I am going to move out of the house tonight. I do not want be sloppy seconds in life. you might even ask me to go visit her in banglore... please divorce me and be happy in your life. I don't think I can make you happy"

    I was shocked since this came out of nowhere.

    and the reason I never ask him about his mom is, she has sort of become a sensitive topic between us. but i chat with my younger BIL often, and he always updates me. so he is in correct in that one statement.

    He loves his mom beyond anything. and I know that the outburst from her, really upset him. and the fact that she was disappointed, comes out in irrational outbursts... why should I tolerate it though? when I suffered equally with her emotionally non-sense, my husbands absent-minded always work attitude...

    I do love my husband. but it irritates me to put up with non-sense.
    but if I react, his irrationality might become worse... I think about living alone with my kids, and realize that no other man can love them more than him. so I do not want to take that away from them.

    what should I do? or not do?
    please help..
     
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  2. ssrgopal

    ssrgopal Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Confused4sure,

    Chillax!!!

    I can understand the situation. 99% of son in this world have a huge affection towards their mom as per the law of nature. Your hubby is no exception. The one good part I can see from your post is, when you MIL blasted you, DH has maintained silence rather than taking her side. This means, somewhere he still loves you too.

    I am not too sure, how often you call your MIL. They are old and they do act a lil weird once their son gets married. May be INSECURE. Just forget all this, she took care of your kids as well, is there any harm to go out of your way and stay in good touch with them over phone once in 3 days? Even they ignore you or insult you, the most important issue here is you calling her and talking. When your hubby comes to know about this he will be pleased for sure. This is really a very minor issue, you can solve it very easily.

    Please consider the life of the two little diamonds you have, they are your priority. Try to ignore these small issues. Don't ever think of divorce again.

    Your hubby mind and your MIL mind will slowly change. Have hope!
     
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  3. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Call your MIL more regularly and be polite to her (even if u feel like chewing her head off). "Running a family, one needs to keep hubby happy in a smart way" (as long as he is not an abuser). Just 2 cents. If that sounds old fashioned, sure one can bang heads to assert and continue cold war , or hot war. Choice is one each of us has to make.
     
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  4. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Any of this true?
     
  5. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    Ragini and ssrgopal: thank you for your thoughts.

    ragini - what do you think about his outburst? and now he is sitting on his high-chair, and trying to assert that he is right. but what about the time I was depressed -my doc told me I had ppd and asked me to go for counseling. he knows about all this, and still claims that HE was depressed... :(
    at the risk of sounding like a broken record: how can I overcome this? :bang I know, like you said - I am banging heads! but is it fair... and then to have uncontrollable outbursts...

    we are both accomplished ppl in our work, and I expect minimum restraint ... :bonk
     
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  6. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    no... it is not true. I think she just felt that way.

    Usually, when they visit: I am off to work, and since husband works from home mostly, MIL was happy at home. FIL used to cook, and MIL will sit next to husband

    This time, since I was pregnant, I ended up staying home for 10 weeks while they were here. I did not feel comfortable with FIL cooking when I was at home. So I would do ALL the house work (cooking, cleaning, dropping older son in school, 2-3 tea for them, dinner) and then be in the bedroom. My husband would work in the room. she felt like she did not have the time with her son.

    Also, since I was pregnant, my husband gave me some priority in front of his mom. Usually his style is -- mom this, mom that, what you want to eat mom, where you want to go mom, mom sit in front next to me, mom talk to me.. this time it was 10% less... and she was offended :hide:


    When I started to go back to work, everyone was happy again. She even told me, "if you go to work, sab teek hai" and hence for the last two months, I was off to work at 7 and would go back only 6ish... that too because I missed my little one.

    It really hurts how my husband cannot see my side and how hurt I was.....
     
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  7. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    There is a saying, "The way to reach a man's heart is through his stomach", but now the saying is changed in this new generation to " The way to reach a man's heart is through his mother".....

    Yes true, sometimes to keep peace at home, we need to be nice with MIL (eventhough she is manipulative and irritating person).....yes i agree with you, the way your husband reacted was not good at all, it looks like he was building up so much of anger in him.....

    First be cool and talk to your husband and clear all his misconceptions, that's ok eventhough you have to bend a little without your mistake, after all he is your dear husband right....everything is fair in love & war.....try to keep in touch with MIL and don't forget to update your DH whenever you call your MIL.....think that you are compromising and doing all these things just for the sake of your family, kids and to maintain peace at home.....separation is easy but think about your little kids, they need their father also...
     
  8. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Hmm..it happens..to even to the most balanced people. You have young kids..two jobs ....it takes a toll. I have snapped too..many times...the only thing that helps..
    A gentle hug from ur partner. He needs it now and he is probably hurting too...just say" I am sorry u feel that way. I do care about ur parents just dont know how to broach the topic. Will you help me bridge the gap..? Can we talk about this tomorrow... . For now can we just watch a movie/cuddle up/go for a walk...?"
    Throw him a life line. If he is sharp he will take it. Dont let this fight take larger than life form....not when u have a decent marriage going.


    About what to talk tomorrow..other fbs should take care of it.
     
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  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Women like your mils should turn their sons into Bramacharis and keep them in their lap life long.Why do they marry their sons to suffer watching them with their wives?Why suffer so much?
     
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  10. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    And what if he really was? Why do you so easily discount the fact that he could genuinely be depressed? I get that you've been through your own hell, but why do you feel the need to compare your hurt to your husband's?

    You say you were shocked because this is uncharacteristic of your husband. That is all the more reason to take it seriously. Honestly if my usually calm and tolerant husband broke down like that, I would, at the very least go through some serious introspection. Maybe you are too inwardly focused? My hurt and pain be damned! My MIL and FIL be damned! If my actions, real or perceived, are causing the man I love so much unexpressed grief, then I won't hesitate to critically examine my own conduct.

    We lament the state of the Indian woman so much and justifiably so. But we often overlook what the average Indian husband goes through. He is raised with Herculean expectations from his parents and society. Then we come into their lives with our own set of must-haves and must-bes. Can you imagine the stress of constantly feeling torn and being unable to fulfill the expectations of the people you love? We can hate their parents. They can't. It is a lifetime of conditioning. You say you don't call his mom. Don't you think he gets an earful about it when he calls? This dilemma can have serious psychological ramifications and can cause deep-seated depression in men. And they aren't very good at letting things out like us.

    Once when I was very angry with my FIL, I yelled at my husband and told him that he would never get my point of view. And his words have stayed in my mind -- "I know you are right and I know he is wrong. But how do I forget that this man used to read the Sunday paper with me and tell me all about the world. That I grew up idolizing him. When he treats you like that I feel ashamed that he is my father, and that I should hate him too. I hate myself for this but I can't stop feeling a sense of duty towards him. He is my father."

    I will bear every indignity my FIL can fling at me but I will never put my husband through that again. I will never make him ashamed of loving his own parents.

    Maybe for the moment choose to attend to your husband's pain. Even if his complaints aren't legitimate, make him feel like you care. Don't measure it against yours. Even if it is but a fraction of your own pain, shifting the focus away from yourself will help you heal your own hurt.
     
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