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Need your suggestions

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Venba, Jul 15, 2010.

  1. Venba

    Venba New IL'ite

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    I'm in a fix don't know what to do? Thought I would get some of your suggestions.
    My parents visit us every year and they are staying with us now. And my brother has been calling them to his house. He lives 30 miles away. He would not come to pick them up and wants them to be dropped there. We always have this issue and in the past I did not have a problem dropping them(if not for him atleast for my parent's sake,). Even, In the past he would not come to pick them up but sometimes would just drop them in front of our house and be gone. He would talk to me on the phone all fine, he would atleast formally greet my husband when we see him outside. We have been to their house several times after our marriage(few times they invited us and few times we went there to invite for our functions), but he has never come to our house even once not even for my wedding. For everything he just has lame excuses.
    For whatever reason(God knows), he does not want to come to our house or my sisters house which is also close by.But, recently he did attend one of my cousin's family function on a weekday morning which is just 5 mins away (past my house).
    This irritates my husband. And now it is time that my parents have to go there. I don't know how to handle this.
    He would not come to pick them up. And for me to drop them, my husband says "Your brother won't come to our house inspite of we going there many times and personaly inviting them for several functions or dinners, so you don't have to go there". Even if I tell my husband I will just drop them and come and not go to their house he still would not agree. He says if I still want to go, I can just stay there.
    I just want to go and drop my parents so that they won't feel bad. In all this confusion, they feel bad and miserable that they can't do anything about it and it is all because they are here. I'm in a confusion, don't know what to do.
    I can understand my husband's expectation is normal but I just want to do this(drop my parents at my brothers place) so my parents won't feel bad.
    What should I do? Try convincing my husband...... what if he does not get convinced....Get a cab to drop them there. Just confused.
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't you have any clue why he was behaving like that?Was yours a love marraige or something you did against to your brother wishes.
    Send your parents by cab and don't go.your husband may get mad.Here the ego is coming into picture.
    Why don't talk to your brother about it or your parents?
     
  3. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    Get a cab to drop them there would be appropriate in this case.

    Your brother could not expect you to reciprocate when he himself doesn't care about you and your husband. Your husband has been patient enough to put up with his unbecoming behaviour, all this while. What is this thing about not visiting your house at all? He lives just 30 miles away and you folks visited his house several time. Unless there have been serious issues between you/DH and your brother from the past, there is no explanation for his odd behavior. If your brother is behaving unreasonably (going by what you wrote), your husband is not wrong in feeling that you don't visit him.

    However I do not agree with him imposing the conditions upon you - he doesn't OWN you. If he chose not to visit his BIL it should be upto him. As regards to children visiting your brother you both need to agree. But as for you visiting your brother it should be solely your decision.
     
  4. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    1. Well, your brother also knows the reason. So, can you talk to him and ask him what is the reason he is avoiding visiting you? Ask him to be frank and tell you the real reason, so it is no longer a mystery.


    2. Tell your DH that he should not punish your parents for the irritation he has on the brother. Thats just misplacing the irritation on the wrong set of people. Hope he can understand that, and allow you to drop them off.
     
  5. Venba

    Venba New IL'ite

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    Priya,

    Yes, our was a love marriage. May be he din't like it. I don't know. But he does greet my husband with a smile and "Hello" when he meets him. Neither my husband nor my brother are conversation initiators and so there is no conversation happening.

    I'm of the kind, When somebody does not want to come to my house I don't want them to come by force. I have invited him several times and they din't show up. But they still keep inviting us. These days I make it clear you come and then invite us.

    My parents completely agree with me in saying what my brother does is not acceptable. But, they can only tell him and whether he wants to come or not is upto him. And my parents won't force it either.

    Even if I ask my bro for a reason he won't open up and will just give lame excuses. That's what he has been doing in the past.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2010
  6. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    Venba,
    I remember your post on how your DH doesnt like your side relatives visiting your place coz his own relatives can not visit due to their other liabilites.

    <http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/100495-how-can-i-handle-this.html>

    Below are some snippets from your old post...

     
  7. iamlost

    iamlost New IL'ite

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    Why dont you pick up your phone and call him.You also mentioned that he does not even visit your sisters house which is close by.Why dont you both(you and your sis) meet him and talk to him upfront.Tell him that his behaviour is causing problems to both of you.Simple.Does he has some kind of personality problem or something.?
     
  8. madeinengland

    madeinengland New IL'ite

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    I also think it's appropriate to send your parents by cab. This way you are not upsetting your husband or your parents. Speak to your brother frankly and tell him the fact that he has never visited you is causing problems as your husband isn't happy about you going there and that's why you've had to send your parents by cab. Tell him that it's important to maintain family relations for the sake of your parents. Ask him to give you the dates of a weekend when he is free so that there are no excuses and make a plan for them to come and visit you. You could plan a fun day out in your area and then have dinner at your home.
     

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