need your opinions

sharon8 · Nov 5, 2015

Hi ladies,

I had a healthy baby boy 3 months ago. My husband and I live in the UK and are both doctors (psychiatrists). I had loads of issues with feeding when I delivered, baby never latched on and I had very poor milk supply. I was very upset and extremely stressed by this. I stayed in the hospital a lot longer as I really wanted to a hang of breast-feeding, without much use. I was advised to keep on pumping to increase my milk supply. I was also advised to keep putting the baby to the breast as often as possible. I came home, started formula on a regular basis and was also pumping as much as I could.

My mother and sister were in the UK when I had the baby. My mother in law used to be a nurse and I also quite experienced with maternity/raising children. My husband tells me that his mother helped raise her sister's children and also her three grandchildren. My father in law is a general practitioner and he has experience treating kids as well. When I was in labour my mother in law offered loads of advice on the phone to my husband such as, 'ask her to have three cups of black coffee and there will be no need for induction' and 'ask her not to walk about as it will result in dry labour' (I was asked to walk about within the room for a short while by the midwives who told me that it would help the head descend). I did not say anything against my mother in law's advice at that time as I did not want to offend my husband. After the delivery, the advice continued on the phone especially because of the feeding issue. My husband kept pushing me to speak to my mother in law which I eventually did on the third day after giving birth. My mother in law was full of advice for me, 'do this and do that'. She did not even allow me to process any of the advice as she told me so much, and I was so overwhelmed. I should mention that she asked me to feed the baby sugar water occasionally, when we all know that babies should only be exclusively breast or formula fed up to 6 months.
We went home from hospital and I was very upset as despite all my efforts, the baby did not latch. My milk production was not improving either. My husband was super cautious with baby and he would keep on asking me to be careful when I handled the baby. I was super annoyed by this. He did the same with my mother too and she was a bit upset by it too. I fought so much with him after he advised my mother about handling the baby, and I asked him whether his mother was the only woman who knew how to handle babies. I told him that if he felt that me and my mother were not doing a good job, I would go to India with my mother and that he could call his mother to take care of the baby.
My mother in law continued to give advice to my husband over all issues such as baby wipes, breast pumps, how to express milk when breasts were full etc etc, which my husband blindly trusted. I was quite assertive by this time and did only what I felt was right for the baby. The last straw was when my father in law sent me an article on breastfeeding and how important it is! I was really irritated by this time and told my husband that we are not letting parents interfere with our child-raising. I requested my mother to leave to India (she was really bored in a few weeks anyway as she has a very active life in India) and told her that I would bring the baby for a break next year when he is slightly older. So mum and sis left and I have been looking after baby over the last 11 weeks with the help of my husband. My husband does not tell me about the advice his mother gives anymore (don't know if she if she is still doing it).

I would like to know your opinions about my husband's and in laws' behaviour. Also, do you ladies think I over reacted with my husband?

bmaquarius · Nov 5, 2015

Mother is born with the baby. But natural that it's new world for both. Luckily nature has gifted mothers the instinct to nurture and tend for it's young be so animal Kingdom or human. Earlier with several siblings around we grew acquiring the skills to rear and care for young. Of course with smaller families we aren't naturally equipped hence need support of families, neighbours, friends or even books. Nothing wrong about it. But if the support system gets stressful it's best to circumvent tactfully. After all these are the same you might need any time later. Rely on your wits and trust your instincts. I can now safely share my story since you have spoken. I had the same issues as a young mother and only daughter. Too much of advice and conflicting opinions and ideas within the family created similar issues. It's my daughter's paediatrician whom I visited a month after delivery, knocked sense into me since by then I was a bundle of nerves I was scared to handle, bathe, feed, soothe - afraid I wouldn't be able to live up to the task of motherhood. He simply said this is your baby you have brought into the world and every mother knows best for her child- nature has endowed every mother the skills trust your instinct and simply bring her up the way you want her to be forget everything and everyone else. And that stayed with me forever. Hopeful you'll find your way too.

yellowmango · Nov 5, 2015

'ask her to have three cups of black coffee and there will be no need for induction'
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mg:What????Three cups of black coffee when you are pregnant!!!!

'ask her not to walk about as it will result in dry labour'
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Seriously.....it is the opposite of what is recommended.

she asked me to [COLOR=#009900 !important]feed the[/COLOR] baby sugar water occasionally
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What nonsense???

OP...are you sure she is a registered nurse?Please don't follow stupid advice and cross check everything she says with the doctor.

What you did was right.Could have been done in a calm way,but it is difficult to keep calm in the face of such blind mother bhakti from husband.

Now that it is done and the advice has also stopped.....everything is fine.
Don't bring up the topic again.If he passes on some more advice,cross check before implementing .If you get any advice from your mom which you feel is sane ,then don't tell him your mom told you so.

chocolate · Nov 6, 2015

Op, What you experienced is normal MIL talk. They just want to show they are concerned to their sons. If they were so concerned , they wud show in deed not tell .Your hubby got carried away and insisted you do as his mom told. Its only said in comparison to your mom doing to show hubby's family and hubby's high handedness . that's all . You shudnt have sent your mom back.

When I had similar issue , my MIL came up with ask xxxxxx to eat Leha(Its a paste made of various herbs to lose all baby weight naturally) Long story short, my hubby insisted I take it. I did . You shud have just said yes to hubby or MIL and continued with your efforts. Your rest and baby getting stronger is more important that undue advice. My MIL wanted my mom help for me for a mere month. I am sure she told the same to hubby. But my mom was here 6 months to help me . I am glad and thankful she did.Its your rest and comfort to independently handle baby which is important . Until then don't let anybody talk you into anything. Good Luck.

docathome · Nov 8, 2015

Dear OP,
I can completely relate to your situation.. The first child n breastfeeding for the first time is always difficult.. Cos childbirth is complete emotional rollercoaster and handling a newborn for whom you r completely responsible seems really overwhelming.. As you already know, the let down reflex has a strong emotional component and all the MIL nakhras at this time surely take their toll..
Reg breastfeeding I hope things have improved now but if you have decided to proceed with formula, don't beat yourself up bout it or let anybody else do either..
Somehow having a child makes everyone around you feel they have the right to advice you and show you the 'right' way.. It's more so in the initial stages and you will soon learn to let such irritating comments go like water over a ducks back.. Do what you feel is medically right but don't bother trying to correct your MIL. It's not worth it.. My MIL is a doctor but she also gave me lots of wierd advice initially.. N finally I gave her a piece of my mind when things got too much.. But thankfully you seem to have handled the situation better.. It is now in the past.. Just move on but don't allow your MIL or anyone else to influence every decision you make.. Do what you feel is right for your child n family.

With reg to your husband, from his POV, I guess he realised you were stressed and went to the person who he felt was most experienced and cared for his family, his Mom.. Unluckily, she obviously found this a good opportunity to prove her competence, and skill as a mother and your inadequacy.. And your husband, blinded by love , probably couldnt notice her interference.. There is a difference between being over interfering and accusatory and showing concern.. But you husband probably doesn't want to notice it.. All the same, for your husband too , this is a new experience. So if other things between you'll are fine, I feel you need to have a talk with him n tell him your feelings and how this has affected you.. If he is reasonable I feel, he would realise his mom's behaviour was not appropriate and , in my case, that made a big difference..
I don't think you overreacted with your husband. In my opinion, my husband is my best friend and I wouldn't beat myself up bout being curt with him if I was really bugged bout something.. If you feel you were rude, apologise n explain to him the whole situation which made you so touchy..
It's a tiring phase for you right now but it will pass and though I don't feel your in-laws n husbands behaviour is praiseworthy, its the case in many households and is not really worth creating a rift between you n your husband.. Take care n all the best..

Sometimes I wonder if I'd have become a better psychiatrist than an otolaryngologistgigglingsmiley

sharon8 · Nov 11, 2015

Thanks for your reply yellow mango. I don't follow any advice blindly unless it is given by a professional.

Sometimes even I doubt if she was really a nurse and my husband who is a doctor also blindly agrees to what she says which is shocking! Its just because its coming from his mother and he feels she can never be wrong...

sharon8 · Nov 11, 2015

Thanks docathome, you really should have been a psychiatrist!

I liked the way you analysed the situation, especially my husband's behaviour. He felt helpless as I was so stressed and went to his mother for advice, and she took advantage of the situation. I already spoken to my husband about how I felt and he thought and still thinks that he mother was only trying to help and that I was over reacting! I still feel that his parents were being intrusive and I was uncomfortable, especially because the topic of breast feeding is so sensitive. How I feed my baby is my business.
Also, my mother in law thinks that she is the only one who knows how to look after children because she has the experience and that everyone else cant do the job like she does! This annoys me so much...

skyinsc · Nov 13, 2015

Your situation looks mostly similar to mine even when i had my baby 2 years back ,my MIL used to advice over phone and my husband used to behave as if we (me and my mom) dont know how to handle a baby. It used to irritate my mother a lot to take advices from my husband and i had a hard time trying to pacify both of them..anyways good luck for you when/if you MIL comes over to take of your baby. like here 6 months mom was here and 6 months MIL..