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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SadMarried, Feb 23, 2017.

  1. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    im back on IL after so long. Been busy with birth of my darling daughter.

    Just background of my difficult relationship with hubby, its been quite long we have been together and living abroad , i had more downs than ups in this marriage.

    most of the time reasoning behind our fight are his side of family. In our financially difficult days, i used to show my disappointment abt him fulfilling such expensive demands of his side of family like ipad, iphones, money from sisters, their kids and in laws. he used to blame me that i don't let him look after his family even if he always did what he wanted to. He used to give me silent treatment, being rude and all. i started letting him do fulfill his family's demands even if it wasn't fair.

    His parents always lie abt the money demand and he always fulfills it, 3-4 lakh once a year, i would say ok . But today he asked his dad if he has any debt and his dad said 30 lakhs, which i don't believe, but even if he has its because he does buying selling property business where he sometimes have to take loan to make money out of it. Now my hubby wants to pay off his debt. im not happy with it. i know he will make big fuss , fight with me, silent treatment and all for my disagreement to it. but i can't let him get away with it this time. its my money too and it's not small amount, im sure abt the fact they won't let him have any of their properties in future, and money im thinking of investing he just wants to use to make his never happy parents happy.

    i feel like asking him to divorce, separate finance , then do whatever he wants to do with his money. i just had baby and have active toddler around, im on maternity, so not it strong situation financially and physically. but i feel like he is taking me for granted. after all this he still shouts at me, calls me names when angry, keeps saying he is not happy with me and wants to separate time to time. he doesn't think twice before hurting me with his words. Feels like i have nothing to gain in this marriage. compromise, trying, letting him do things he wants all just making him more aggressive and careless abt my feelings.

    what do you guys advice me?
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Is it possible he is just trying to move the assets out of the country this way ?
    Put your foot down specially if it involves your money.
    You should talk to a lawyer regarding the effect of this kind of transfer of money in case of a separation and how it will effect you and your kids.
     
    Laks09 and sokanasanah like this.
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Are you financially independent if you separate? If you are working now at least move your savings to an individual account where your husband cannot have access to it. You can still contribute to the household, just don't leave extra cash laying within reach.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I see this pattern in your case repeatedly despite of all your efforts to sort this out. You have even tried for a temporary separation, which ended bitterly.

    I am sure you are not ready for the divorce. You may have thousand reasons behind, and I am not gonna question that. Specially if your H is a good dad according to your eyes, then staying in this marriage is better than divorcing.
    But staying like this, I mean repeated fights, silent treatments, name calling, abuse, and what not... is not an ideal situation for the kids, even if he is a dotting father.

    You have a 2 options in your table. Either you walk out of this marriage, request for children's custody and move on OR stay in this marriage without trying to set things straight as it should be by the books.
    If you chose the former, I am sure you do not need any guidance here. You are educated, and you know the system better. You too have family support around in UK, so I don't think there is any hindrance to take it further.

    However, if you really want to stay in this marriage and work it out, then you have no better options than to accept this and adjust with this.
    Looks like your H is not gonna change. He is determined to help his folks, and think that is the only way out.
    He earns, and probably he could do this within his earning.
    All you need is to start a separate finance for yourself. Manage your income, and share the finances for the family on agreed proportions together with your husband.
    Manage your personal loans (even if that is taken for the family) and stop investing any further for this family for now.

    This way, you could save something from your foreign salary after contributing your shares for the household expenses, right.
    Let this savings grow and be your retirement fund.
    In Parallel, you may invest on insurance, retirement plan, etc... use your fund smartly.
    If you wish, you may extend some supports to your FOO too.

    Let your husband share for the household expenses for now.
    He may chose to spend the remaining for his FOO. Don't question. Even if you question him, it is pointless. He is not gonna listen to your qualms.
    But when he is in good mood, suggest some good investments, insurance, and purchases. Always plan something of his interest, so that he may be carried away and find it useful.
    Encourage him to use his funds wisely for the future. But always maintain this as suggestions, and always with his funds.
    There shouldn't be anything in joint.
    Of course making everything in joint is ideal in a marriage, but sadly not every marriage is same. So, you must plan it wisely.
    I still do not have a joint account with my H, and will never do that mistake either.

    This way, he may be left with minimum amount in hand to shed to his FOO.
    For ex: I encouraged my H to go for an expensive car of his choice, since he has been happily using my car - causing loads of discomforts to me/us.
    He has never thought of buying a car, though he is capable of buying. He always wanted me to buy anything expensive, and his remaining salary (after sharing for the household chores) could never be tracked from any accounts.
    I know from the history that he spends them all to his FOO. I am ok if she is to support his parents, which he does with my consent.
    But his bros, extended family members, friends and almost everyone utilize them. He does that out of pride, and they know how to make him spend on them. PILs often encourage this pattern for their social pride too.
    This is like buying other people using money, so that you will be always famous, and wanted in your circle.
    But after my intervention about the second car - of course I have let him chose his fav car without forcing my comments, and now he is paying back the EMI, which is big.
    So, what is left from his salary after the household expenses-shares, and EMI, and his pocket money is what remaining for his "unknown expenses". I don't care what he does with them.
    Of course my salary is more than enough for savings and investments after spending. It would be great if he could add to that. But what if he is not interested?
    I don't wanna lose this marriage, and my sanity on this issue.
    So, I've decided to let it be.

    Of course I usually tell him how much we all (my foo, friends, colleagues) have a retirement plan, and how our kids would need money when they are in college etc...
    But he believes in miracles and astrology and hopes he will become a crorepathy by that time just like that.
    What to do?

    I don't see divorce is any better than this. Because no matter whether I divorce him or not, I will have to take care of the savings and future financial needs of the family.
    Doing it with an otherwise good husband makes my life easy. It won't be the same if I am alone bearing all the responsibilities, including financial.

    Of course, had i pick up a battle for everytime his account shows unknown expenses, I would also have been in tears as you are today.
    Long back, I've learnt to accept him as who he is... Hope, he will soon realize...
    In fact, he has now been realized almost many of his shortcomings and changing... In fact, my H has changed a lot since I have decided to pick my battles. This too shall pass.

    JMO, and hope you will feel better
     
  5. MKeerthi

    MKeerthi Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi SGBV,

    I came to this thread it was another similar situation of mine, thanks ton for your response. Though I have accepted my DH and his spending pattern and No discussion on leaving marriage, I wasn't this much clear on the how to make it run.

    Thanks again
     
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  6. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you dear. I'm not going to let him make such a big transfer easily. He started the topic just to make me aware of it and i showed him my disagreement to it, hence he is doing his usual of talking less and told me how bad wife im bla bla. these things don't affect me anymore, yes it upsets me but i know his habit. I'm planning to create big fuss if he really does it like separating finance, make him sign contracts and all.
     
  7. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    I work normally but at the moment im on maternity leave. Separating finance is something i should have done long time back. At this moment with not much income of myself, i don't have anything to save. But im planning to do it as soon as i start working.
     
  8. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    thanks alot dear. your advice is very valuable as always.

    one thing you understood otherwise, i haven't had any temporary separation yet, was thinking of it but couldn't do it.

    Divorce is not easy for now specially because i had baby daughter recently and my son is just 2.5 yrs old. Im not earning as much at the moment.

    So your other option is what i have to work on for now. I have worked really hard for him to upgrade his skillset, by which he is in really strong economic position than me. If i separate account like this, im sure he won't save anything for him/us at all.As he will have full freedom to spend all his money on his folks. His folks are like if you fulfill one of their demand they will demand more and bigger next time.So it would be like me saving and him spending which seems lil unfair.But i have no option to make him realise ppl are taking advantage of him and his kids and wives should be his priority.
     
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  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    what kind of person asks the dad he had any debts within 2 months of new born baby.

    If I were you, I won't put up the fight now.regain ur energy and make yourself strong for the job market.meanwhile if he brings up paying debts and insists, tell him that you both wanted to involve in paying off those instead he simply sending money directly to dad.Tell him, we can take a look at his debts when we visit them and talk to those people directly and see what best you both can do to help his dad and help your family.
    Meantime think about ur future, make urself strong, and find a job and reevaluate the situation.
    Be calm and tell that you wanted to be part of it but lets both of us work it out the details and have backup money for your family in case of job loss.
     
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  10. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    A valuable suggestion and sharing of info from @SGBV.

    More or less, many of us are in the same boat. As my dad suggested, I took large portion of my income into a separate savings account, spent it only for major purchases/investments for us and slow/steady pace, it grew over the years into a nice chunk.

    Don't you have a retirement plan at work to save directly 10-15% of salary? If both of you put your salary like that, it will become a good savings towards retirement. Drawback, cannot take it out until nearing your retirement (the fund moves with you when you change job). This was one of the option I chose, i.e, maximized retirement fund at work and my monthly salary automatically, reduced.

    Congrats on your new born, baby girl.
     
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