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need urgent help, pls advice.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by radhikaraj, Nov 7, 2007.

  1. radhikaraj

    radhikaraj New IL'ite

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    hi, i am married for 3yrs. i married my hubby with the blessing of both our parents. i did not realize till late that my in-laws are greedy. they want me to sign an empty stamp paper; and they nag me to get things from my dad.my hubby was a different person after marriage. he was not at all what he projected he was, before marriage. he does not care if i live or die. i am a homemaker. he thinks i am his servant. he comes home like paying guest. does not help me in any house matters. even if iam sick he does not care. he tells me without shame that his purpose in life is to make his relatives rich and comfortable. he hides his savings, and is very stringy when it comes to spending for me.but he spends any amount for himself and his family. he wants me to go for work and with that money take care of our expenses, so that he could live a gala life. even when i tell him to invest his money in buying a house, he does not agree.my in-laws always compare my sister with me and say to my face that she is a better match to my husband than me. and that i am ugly, fat, and not fair. I am not all these and i know they say this to hurt me. still i cant forgive my hubby because sometimes he calls me by my sisters name.when i confront him, he says it just came out of his mouth and that no harm is done. now he has left me because i quarreled with him quoting how his mom tortured me with words.he manhandled me and i hit him back. if i call him, he is not answering. pls suggest what i should do? he didn't even call me for his bro. wedding. my in-laws are showering praises on his bro. wife and told my parents that they should take me to a psychiatrist because there is something wrong with me. i feel frustrated because they are saying to everyone that iam a sick woman and that i throw things at my husband. nothing he did come out. they are shrewd. my dad does not want to go police because he has an unmarried girl at home. my in-laws say that they have only boys, no girl child. so every one should fall at their feet. my hubby has challenged that my dad will fall in my in-laws feet. pls suggest how to tackle this? i am at my parents home for more than 2 weeks. my hubby did not call. one mutual friend called to say that she has never seen my hubby laughing and having good time before. he and his family to so happy that there is so much noise in that house. here i am crying along with my family. is this fate? is there no god to render justice to a woman like me? i feel helpless. i took care of this man like a king. does it not have any effect on him. what should i do? i lost all my confidence and feel like a rotten vegetable -good for nothing. i am afraid to face my relatives. everyone is making fun of me because i married according to my wish. i called my hubby but he shouted at me and hung the phone. i feel miserable. all his relatives ridicule me and hate me because i brought my husband to live seperately from his parents. they are after him for his money and he does not realize it. his parents are very happy that he has left me. he stays somewhere outside, his parents are not bothered to cal him to their home. all they want is his money. so daily he visits them and they poison him against me. pls pray for me.
     
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  2. jaya36

    jaya36 New IL'ite

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    Hello,
    I guess u had found the boy urself(meaning love marraige).............if u really wanna save this marraige u will have to first & foremost give up saying how hubbys family is taking away all his earnings..............if possible stop talking about finances.second find a job for urself..........u will have more self respect for urself.sweetie all of us are going thru so many problems with INLAWS.u will have to first & foremost get ur hubby on urside...............do whatever it takes to do it.........dont talk anything against ur INLAWS with ur dh.

    if u dont wanna stay with him..........its a total different story.........please dont lose hope.
     
  3. sashie

    sashie New IL'ite

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    hi, i just wanted to share some support with you, we women have too much too deal with! some of what you have described has also happened to me(the back talk by his relatives), my parents support me, they are worried that if i keep forgiving this family what will be left of ME???? we can forgive our husbands/and their families and ignore how many times? i respect all of the responses you received, but i think i have il's similar to yours, that no matter what they always think negative about dil. you say that your il's are happy your husb left you, well i know that my il's LOVE it when they cause fights between me and my husb, thats what they live for, even my sil helps to make my marriage worse. i'm sorry i don;t have any advice for you, except like the others said, forgive, forget..........if you have any children play with them, they will surely bring some happiness into your life. if your husband is not taking your calls, maybe give him some time to cool off, then retry:spin. sash
     
  4. Amicable

    Amicable Senior IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear about your bad relationship with your husban. I pray to god, hope your husband and his family get some good advice and bring you home with respect. I know staying at parents house and husband not talking to you is very disturbing and making your more anxious and sad. My advice is two things you can do now. Either give him some time, do not call him. Let him feel your absence in the house. It might change his mind and calm down Or if you are really anxious then go to his work to visit him. Take your brother or sister with you and try to discuss the matter. I highly doubt that he will talk to you outside.But give it a try and show the efforts that you really care about him, Do you have any common friends, who can give him some sense of family value?

    If things are totally out of your hand, then ask your parents to interfare and talk to his family and sort out the matter. If it works out its wonderful, but say if it doesn't then try to keep yourself busy in life and pray to god. I know its easy to say than done, but how low you can stoop for him? Men are very stuburns and never take any blame, Sometime family also support for their bad decission.They consider its a matter of pride and ego. I have seen lots of men sometime come back to their spouses after few months. Because what happend, after sometime family also calm down, because now there is no one to discuss or fight. Then they don't even care about their own son. At that point sometime men feel lonely and realize their mistake and come back. I hope you don't have to go all through this.

    I really wish this matter solve out soon, and when you go back to your home. I know we all have trouble controling our emotions, but just give it a try for sake of your marriage. Make sure, you keep minimum interfernce between him and his family on any issue for atleast few years, untill he start trusting you completly. My prayers are with you and with all those women who are going or gone through this. Be brave, its not the end of the world. If you will loose the hope, things will become more complicated. Hope this diwali will bring smile on your face. Take care.
     
  5. Shanthi

    Shanthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Why would you even want to get back with this man. If he is angry with you because you don't get along with your in-laws then maybe you can adjust with this man and one day find a balance in your in-laws relationship. But if he is torturing you by calling you by your sister's name and stands aside and watches as his parents say that your sister will be a better match for him .... then my dear he is no longer your husband. He even hit you :evil: ! I am glad that you did not just stand and take it. You have him back and I am very proud of you. Why do you let such a low life and his so called family make you feel inferior? First step up and stand up for yourself. If you don't then no one else will. Acknowledge the sacrifices you have made and the sufferings you have gone through. You are better than them no matter what they say. If they are happy that you have left them ... fine ... you be happy that you are no longer in their company. If your husband wants to be a scape goat .. well let him be. There is nothing that you can do for him unless he has the slightest respect for you.

    First pull yourself together. Don't worry about what relatives or others will say. There is no way you are going to satisfy everyone around you. Regain your strength and composure. Don't call your hubby for sometime. Start working and focus on that or some of your other interests. Never make your parents go and fall in their feet. If you are confident your parents will feel better. Slowly relatives will find something else to talk about as your life is now boring. Your husband may find silence from your side very intimidating and may soften up. Or he may be as thick headed as he is now and keep listening to his parents.

    If you think that you can live with him as he is now and have peace of mind then go back to him. If you realise that there can be no happiness unless there is some change then stop crying and feeling rotten and start up your life. Give a break for your hubby and you. You gain back your confidence, heatlh and peace of mind and then strategize. Plan on what to do and be strong. Don't waste your life and your parents happiness of a guy who doesn't care about you at all !

    Love,
    Shanthi
     
  6. radhee

    radhee Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes...Shanthi is 100% right....
     
  7. radhikaraj

    radhikaraj New IL'ite

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    Hi guys, thanks for your concern. sorry about not replying earlier. i had some problem with my computer. i called my hubby many times. Now he has given a list that i should do if i want to live with him. he wants me to go with him for councelling. that too with some guy (doctor) known to him. i tried it before. that person was partial and easily shifted all blames on me. next he wants me to visit psychiarist. my hubby is in marketing. he knows how to convince people with his sweet talks. he thinks and believes(thanks to my in-laws) that i have some mental problems. so i dont want to visit any doctor or spiritual councellor because they believe whatever lies he fabricates and tell me i am at fault. Next he wants me to leave my parents behind forever and never to return to them for he says that they are ones to spoil me with wrong advises. he wants me to go with him with what i wear that is without taking anythings from my parents and leave all the things they had given me during my wedding. and he says that whatever my in-laws insult that i should bear with it because it is natural. and that i should work and with the money take care of our expenses. And that i should confess that everything was my fault that this marriage did not work and i am the only person to be blamed. i feel like a fool. i am asking me again and again how could i be so blind to have married such a selfish man and not to have seen through his true nature. i am totally at lost. i belong to a middle class family where divorce is not even thought of. my parents too are frustrated and says that he will chuck me out of his house in the middle of the night . and that he wants me back only to take revenge and make me feel miserable. he didn't call me once in these 2 months. and i dont trust him. i am afraid that he might do what my parents say about him. i am planning to look out for job. i dont know what else i could do. love. radhika.
     
  8. C.A.W

    C.A.W New IL'ite

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    Hi Radhika,

    I can feel anguish you must be feeling.. I feel angry why men do this.. I have been in the same boat.

    First you need to understand that no matter what he says to you is going to be in a fit of anger so take it in one ear and out of the other. Its a typical scenario, the daughter-in law is either mad or needs to see a psychiatrist.

    I have some pointer's below;

    1. At this stage everyone, your cousins, your uncles and friends wont help you in any sence so let them think what they want, you need to deal with this situation.

    2. Next, you need to be strong, if you do go back then you would need to deal and accept your in-laws what ever they are going to say. So you need to be sure within if you can deal with it and live with your husband in these circumstances.

    3. If you have decided that you want to go back and live with a person who is selfish, greedy and isn't supportive - you need to make some compromises but remember NOT ALL. My suggestion is that you tell your husband that you are ready to see the counselor only if they are mutual. Counseling is good and a person should mediate to both parties. Secondly, tell your husband you left everything when you married him including your parents so their interference wont be a problem.

    4. DO NOT SIGN ANY DOCUMENTS. I mean that. There have been many cases that women sign everything in a hurry and then at the end even the courts cant intervene.

    5. I also suggest that you don't prolong any distances between you and your husband. Because distances usually create more misunderstandings then you can believe, once a couple is living together its easier to work together at a relation.

    6. Radhika, all parents worry for the worst scenario that could happen with their daughter, their worry is justified. When a women needs to be strong she can be and can deal with any situation given, so you need to make that decision your self and once your strong your parents will feel at ease. I always think, Durga, Parvati, Gauri, Kali.... are names of all the shades of a women within.. If you want to run you marriage then you need to take on all these roles. A man, no matter if his parents are murderers wont take a word against them. You need to be diplomatic in you ways and carry on with your own work... be patient, be strong, be loving, be giving and also fierce when you are required to be.

    7. A women has a better grounding with her husband when there are together, don't let what others tell you get to you. People only want the latest scope between two couples.. don't go around believing what others tell you until you see it yourself. And with your own conviction make a judgment.

    8. Yes, get a job, it will make you think less of this situation. If you live with him or without him.


    Hope these help. I pray things work out for you.

    Shanti.
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2007
  9. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Radhika ,I dont know what to say. I saw both of your posts. You in laws sound very greedy and husband very biased to your in laws. Hey its not your husband and in laws alone. 99% of them are like that.Anyway coming to your present situation ,I really feel you should take a break for 3-4 months. Dont contact your in laws or husband. He needs to realize your value.The more u press for reunion the more your husband will act up. relax get a job and clear your mind. It will help here a lot. How long can your husband not miss you. Its worth taking that chance here. The more we try to set right everything,the more the in laws and husband act like royalty.They do need to get down to earth once in a while. Give them time they will.
    One thing ,I would like to tell you,your husband still has to realize your value and you should give him time to do that.
    Why dont u try to get a job and a makeover.It will work wonders for any situation. Best of luck. Post back.
     
  10. Sashmitaa

    Sashmitaa Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Radhika

    I totally agree with choclate. Give ur husband sometime to realise ur value. I am sure he will come back for you. Praying god to give u strength in the mean time.

    Love
    Lakshmi
     

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