Need to bear with Bedridden MIL and Irritating FIL - :(

ilovelife · May 29, 2012

Dear Friends..

Since past 1 month my MIL is fully immobile and bedridden, from feeding food, giving bath end to end i have to do for her.. this i need to maange along with house hold work and Office work, i have taken Work from home option..

Now to add to this , with is physical strain and metal stess of balancing this all, i need to hear my FILs comments. he talks as though he doubts weather i gave lunch to my MIL or not, did she eat fully,, did you give her milk in the evening.. now give her this, give her that.. etc etc..

he also keeps making some irritating faces and comments indirectly.. dont know if she is eating food properly or not, dont know when she will recover etc etc..

from the bottom of my heart i tell you , i take care of her like a baby.. even she knows and keep telling if someone relatives come home, how i take care of her... but when my FIL is making comments she will not stop him, dont know why,, she may think that its his care for her..

over all i feel really bad. inspite of doing all this i have to hear such comments..

aniShekar · May 29, 2012

Re: Need to bare with Bedridden MIL and Irritating FIL -

Good for you...not many DILs would do this!!

Why don't you hire a nurse to care for your MIL? Caring for an immobile person, while managing both home and work is surely not easy...
As for your FIL, just ignore him - as you've realized, it's probably his way of showing his concern for his wife; and perhaps too, guilt at failing to be of any help to his wife. And given your MIL's health, she simply might not be up to tackling her husband's attitude - it probably is easier for her to ignore too.

ilovelife · May 29, 2012

Re: Need to bare with Bedridden MIL and Irritating FIL -

thanks Ani , yes its quite hard every day i have body aches... firstly, i am not in a position to suggest to hire a nurse coz for sure at my home people would ask me to quit the job as they never wanted me to work.. even though i earn more than the cost of hiring a nurse.. second thing is , i dont mind helping my MIL, as i feel i am helping someone who is in need.

I try to ignore his comments, but he is sometimes irritiating to heights.. he doenst even touch his wife or give her a glass of water.. he talks as though he has hired me to take care of her. My DH does understand all this but he also doesnt talk much against his dad..

i feel like shouting STOP IT to my FIL , but cant... anyways wil see sometimes i might get Confidence to do it

vijikrish · May 29, 2012

Re: Need to bare with Bedridden MIL and Irritating FIL -

Next time if FIL asks, did u gave milk? Tell him you didnt ask him to feed his wife. Make this a routine and feeding milk to his wife & you keep checking back. How about that?

aniShekar · May 29, 2012

Re: Need to bare with Bedridden MIL and Irritating FIL -

Ilovelife...the nurse need not be the sole care-giver. She could do the hands-on work (lifting, cleaning etc), and you could be around to supervise her. And professional care would benefit your MIL better, too. Why don't you tell that to your husband? The suggestion would sound better coming from him.

beanstalk · May 30, 2012

Re: Need to bare with Bedridden MIL and Irritating FIL -

I strongly agree with other posters, you need help. Get a care-giver. My grand MIL is in same situation and its very difficult for everybody taking care of her. With time her weight has increased and lifting her for necessary dos has become much tougher than when she started ( since they are immobile and still eating they are getting more calories but no way to burn it, it usually results in an unscaled weight gain).

Even if you quit, you should not be burdened alone with this work. Job, or no job, you need help. Put the situation besides everybody and ask for help. Others who are advising now would not understand how difficult it is unless they do so too day in and day out. I know that care-givers are hard to find and keep and is a big charge on fix budget. But you should definitely get it.

Tell your husband that you would need it without work as well. I am sure he would understand. Take help from both your FIL and you husband as much as you can. The more you will shoulder the more will be expected of you. I am not suggesting you to not take care of your MIL, all I am asking you to do is take care of yourself as well.

apaasn · May 30, 2012

Re: Need to bare with Bedridden MIL and Irritating FIL -

Okay I don't think your problem is about managing so many tasks.Todays women are capable of doing so many things that lazy men can't even imagine.For that I feel proud of you! Makes me feel women are not equal to men but women like you are above men!

My advice to you is don't shout at your FIL,I don't know what kind of a person he is,maybe you don't like his nature or personality in general,well that's a different thing altogether but based on what you said above I think your FIL is paranoid of losing his spouse!thats hard on any person,some nights I can't even sleep thinking what I will do in life without my husband.since you are taking care of her,he is asking you.he is angry and scared that he will lose her,I would suggest you assure him in a polite voice that you are taking care of her like your own mother and you won't miss giving her medicine or food.
Don't yell at him then your life will become miserable.It takes one min to shout and scream,later in life you will regret it!

g3sudha · May 30, 2012

Re: Need to bare with Bedridden MIL and Irritating FIL -

Your are doing great job..
just ignore your FIL. Try to convice your DH about hiring a nurse. It will give some relief..

omnam · May 30, 2012

Re: Need to bare with Bedridden MIL and Irritating FIL -

Hats off to you dear OP.

I do suggest to hire Nurse to take care of MIL properly. You can cook and work and can supervise the nures. For that you need to talk to your DH to initiate this solution. Good you are doing for MIL but this way your health also affected. I am sure your DH and MIL will understand. Ask your DH to stand for you, get a nurse and inform his dad about it. He is doing for his mom and for you. You really cant do so much of work.

bhavatarini · May 30, 2012

Come on ..... you need to understand what your FIL is going through .... my dad/fil is also like this they are not tuned to do any work ... because all their life their wives managed to do everything to them ... also seen them being every impatient as they grow old .. like they constantly keep telling the same thing again and again and sometimes very short tempered ..this is their concern + old age + helpless ness + "not sure if I am herd" + things not under their control + not knowing how to pass time . In your case , his complete support ie his wife is bed ridden .. I feel sorry for him. Dont ask him to shut up or anything , just sit with him and make him understand that you will take care and ask him to relax!