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need suggestions_parenting and working as well taking care of in laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by thashi, Apr 15, 2013.

  1. thashi

    thashi New IL'ite

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    Hi friends,
    I am a new mom having 4 months old boy baby. Now its peak time for me to get back to my job, but I am very confused whether to continue work. My in laws stay along with us.I have to leave my son with my mil and go to work.They expect me to finish all house hold work before I leave to work and they dont want to keep any maid also.

    my husband doesnt even wake up at nights to pamper when my son cries for. I find it very difficult to wake up nights, do cooking as well household work, go to job, come back once again get into household work. No one to help either. I just have my mom with me as single parent as my dad passed away when I was 9 months old , they are ready to help me but my mil dominates over them.

    please suggest me ladies ,what to do? :drowning

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    Last edited: Apr 15, 2013
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  2. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Thashi, I am sorry to hear this. Is there an option for not going to work for another few months? If yes, I suggest try and stay home for a few more months. As your son grows older, he will start sleeping for long stretches like 5-6 hours by the time he is 1 year old. You will get to sleep a lot better then.

    If you do not have an option and have to return to work, then I think you have to out your foot down and tell your inlaws and husband that you simply cannot manage everything on your own and you have to have help. You are a human being and not God.

    Actually, you will get more responses if you post this in in-laws section. A lot of people have been in your shoes and I think you will get lot more responses there.

    Again, be firm...and tell them that if you have to work, they have to get a maid. Its unfair that they expect everything from you. If nothing, at least husband shoud be helping.
     
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  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Thashi,

    If you stay at home, you won't be able to give any quality time to your child... you'll be the maid of the house from morn to night... Your inlaws and H don't appear to be cooperative.
    You need to first confirm with yourself... what you want.. will you be happy being SAHM or working mom being away from your child.

    If you've decided to goto work then you need to clarify a few things with your H:
    - You want to get back to work and they have to support it... else he has to give you a monthly pocket money.
    - If he's letting you to goto work then he has to make up his mind for daycare or 8-10 hr maid to assist his parents when at home.
    - Ask them what all is expected from you before you leave home and after you enter.
    - If you have to save your job at this stage then you might need to throw a lot of money on different helps to keep things moving.
    - If none of them agree to anything above... then you have to take a call on your own... on whats best for your child and you.

    If you give in now.. to their pressures... u'll either SULK through out your life or loose your identity.
    A lot of oldies are not used to letting servants come into the house... they find them irritating (smell/ looks/ presence)... and thats the primary reason they get a DIL to fulfill all the tasks... but sooner or later they have to agree... that some DILs believe in out sourcing of physical labour... and they were not meant for that role 24X7.
     
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  4. thashi

    thashi New IL'ite

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    Thanks rakhi and shilpama,
    I will try to better put my foot down and talk to my in laws.
    I tried telling my H that I will not go to work and will take care of my son asking him to provide pocket money for me and needs for my son. But he s not ready to pay me nor my son any pocket money. He will give money to my FIL and we have to ask him what so ever needed.
    my MIL is very much strict about not bringing any maid as they tell our body becomes lazy if we dont do any house work.
    Right now I am in my mother place itself, but I am getting decision made by my in laws like this.

    I shock how my H changed lik this. You know ladies ours was a love marriage of all.
     
  5. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi dear,

    Seeing ur DH's and in-laws attitude, either u take off for sometime and stay at ur mom's place with ur baby or tell ur DH and in-laws that u will work and either u will put ur kid in day-care or get a maid (from ur earning) to do things at home while u go to work. U can't do all the housework with ur office and baby. Be assertive on this, coz once u will leave ur job, u will be dependent on ur DH and ur MIL will force u become a full-time maid in the house.

    These MILs create issues about maid for they want the DIL to become maid for the house. Don't give in to this drama and take ur stand.
     
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  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    I would suggest that you resume work from ur mom's place... tell your H v v clearly that this is how you want it to be.
    Is it a joke to leave job and ask allowance from FIL? which will directly depend on the RESPECT they're expecting, their values and no maid clause.

    Leave alone managing work +household+child... even if you quit... there's no quality of life for a DIL in many households... Serving them 24X7 and your kids is not a joke... there are many marriages where housewives are bestowed with multiple IN and OUT servants for a day (such families believe in quality of life).... don't loose your sanity for someone's wierd reluctance to hire help but readiness to turn DIL into a maid.

    You can probably remind him that he din't marry you to turn you into a maid but it was a mutual decision to keep both of you happy and goals aligned for future life.
     
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  7. thashi

    thashi New IL'ite

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    Thanks ladies ,
    I ll try my best to solve this issue.thanks for all your ppl s suggestions.
     
  8. thashi

    thashi New IL'ite

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    :drowningHi all,

    I spoke up to my husband regarding this openly. He s kind of ok to get a maid and accepted for me to work, but he wants me only yo speak abt this to my mil ,he doesn't want to put his head in between us both. My mil is scolding my H if he comes to see me or baby also seems. My H tells me this , if I ask him to tell them that u hv right to look them :spin, he s kind of scared. I dont know y they r like this. Not leaving me nor my H to care for us. My H wants to buy a own house and has given money to my fil and kept. Now he. S not ready to return the money. With all this prob if I call my H to go separately he deosnt listen also.

    its like I am in mid ocean. Dont know which way to go.my H knows what s the reality but he doesnt want to overcome that also
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Can u call up your MIL and talk to her sweetly... about her opinion on hiring a fulltime maid and your options of going back to work... Listen to her first, then express your opinion and calmly convey to her that if you're not living that life you won't be happy... neither will you be able to keep anyone else happy..... don't get into any argument... if she still sticks to her old agenda... then you can tell her... OK MIL.. it was nice talking to you... we'll resolve this later then... take care bye..

    Your H is being brain washed to the extent of being scared and ability to take any decision... he loves you and knows things are not going right somewhere and are beyond his control... doesn't want to upset any of you hence not supporting either.

    About the money that FIL is not returning... take it as lesson learnt and plan future accordingly... they also belong to the breed of oldies who want to leave you both with no options but to adhere to their thought patterns and practise.... now you have to decide whether u want to surrender or still can find a way to the life you want to live.
     
  10. thashi

    thashi New IL'ite

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    Shilpa,
    your idea is nice. I will surely try it. I accept my H loves me lot but never in his life had he expressed that.
    My H will not listen dear if I tell not to give money to my FIL. Full payment he just gives away to him.So many times I have tried explaining him but inturn he changes the topic. Its been 3 yrs since our married life, till today I hv not seen my husband keeping his money.
    once by chance he delayed to give money, then both my IL fought with my H telling bcoz of me he dint give his salary and I taught him this.
    Tell me an idea for this da. What to do
     

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