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Need Suggestions - To Tell Parents To Visit Later

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by soumya234, Mar 19, 2022.

  1. soumya234

    soumya234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Members,

    Happy Holi! I need suggestions on this topic. My friend is a single child living in the US. Her Mom has GC and came here recently for a few months. Mom and my friend's husband don't get along and they are always complaining about something or the other. Everyday some issues/arguments keep cropping up. With 2 kids, their classes, she is stressed out. Now her Dad and Mom both want to come back to stay whereas she wants them to postpone their visit by a few more months at least.

    She tried explaining that she is busy with finalizing Universities for her daughter. But they make her feel guilty saying she is the only kid they have. Please suggest some ways that she can tell.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Do the parents want to specifically stay with her or is it more for the purpose of spending time in the US? They are probably feeling lonely.
    The most successful long-term setups of multiple generations I have seen are where there is a completely separate living space for the elders. Many homes can be converted like this: look for in-law suite ideas. If everyone has their own space to retire to then things might go more smoothly.
    Your friend can also ask her parents to limit interaction with their son-in-law. My dad has a habit of dispensing well-meaning but unsolicited advice that can sometimes even get on my normally laid back DH’s nerves. My mom and I have learned to recognize the signs and defuse the situation before things get out of hand.
     
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  3. soumya234

    soumya234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Malstrom,

    Thank you for the reply. Yes she suggested that they stay separate to avoid arguments. But her Mom is not ok with that setup. She goes to work and husband does WFH. So it's hard to control both Mom and husband's interactions on a day to day basis.

    She feels bad to even think about postponing. But it's only 2 months ago that her Mom went to India after 4 months stay.
     
  4. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    I wonder how can a mom become hindrance! I feel myself in her shoes!
     
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Her mother also needs to compromise in order to live peacefully in her daughters home. If your friends husband is WFH then no one should disturb him during that time, regardless of how good the relationships are.
    If your friend is indeed busy with college admissions then she should politely but firmly ask her parents to come when it is suitable for the family.
     
  6. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    Ya I learnt a lesson here!
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This is something I go through on a daily basis at home.
    My mom lives with me, and my H is a stay at home Husband. This means, both of them are together under one roof for 24/7, competing with each other for gaining my attention.
    This is creating a lot of problems at home for my self and the kids. Especially when I am overtly stressed at office.

    I have clearly communicated with my mom that she should respect me as an adult. She can pamper me like a kid, care me like a new born and love me like her fairy angel, but she should respect & treat me like an adult woman at the end of the day.
    She should respect my decisions, respect my capacity in handling tough problems in life, and my overall managerial skills.
    It is true that I failed miserably once in life, and I was inexperienced that time. It was her who stood by me back then and I am always thankful for that. But that doesn't mean I am always weak.
    I have grown out of that, and emerged as a very strong & independent woman now.
    She should accept that and worry less.

    In fact, her worries and attempts to safe guarding me triggers my H, and belittle his love for myself now. He has also changed, and apologized for what has happened.
    We are not perfect, but we have come to a point where we don't expect each other to be perfect to run this marriage. We complement each other in our own unique way and are happy.
    Even if problems arise, at the age of 40, we know how to handle them. Period.

    I have advised my H to understand & accept that fact that my mom is not an external member or extended family anymore. After all the years of living together, she has become a part of our family now. She is our family and she has no other family or place to live. She can't go anywhere and start everything from the scratch at this age.
    There is no way that he can't expect a meaningful marriage life with me by expelling my mom out of here. So, he should stop trying this or investing his time and energy on finding ways to expel her out.

    It is alright if he can't accept her or love her. They can live like strangers in the same house. But both should learn to respect each other as fellow human beings and learn to live peacefully.
    It just takes minimum efforts not to poke your nose on others! That's it.

    If both can't adhere to this, they are free to live or fight in this house, whereas I & kids will move out for our own sanity. The choice is theirs now :)
     
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  8. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    Wow! It’s like my daughter saying to me!
     
  9. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Your friend needs to draw some boundaries… ethically a single child can take care of parents either by accommodating in same house or keeping them restricted to an outhouse or upstairs.

    end of the day her marriage is important and she needs to prioritize it and draw a line
     

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